Brownie Dreamin'

I had a weird dream last night.
Long story short, I dreamed that I had to complete all these mazes and riddles in different rooms, all movie and book themed, to be allowed to enter the "new world." The type of world I got was based on how well I did in the challenges. I am guessing I didn't do that well because, in my world, everything was beautiful but everyone was elderly.
That is actually neither here nor there.
Brownie popped up in my dream. He was supposed to help me with one of the mazes, but all we did was argue. He refused to tell me why he stopped being my friend and left me to figure out the maze myself.
Here is the thing: I was originally hurt about Brownie friend dumping me. Understandably, he was one of my besties. But I don't feel as broken up about it anymore. However, it is not until recently that he has started to pop up in my dreams.
I have always looked forward to having dreams. They let me know what I need to focus on, but the Brownie special appearances are confusing. It's been over a year since we actually spoke to each other. And they are not warning dreams. He's fine. His wife follows me on Instagram and they seem to be living the newlywed life.
Perhaps my brain is telling me that I am more hurt than I think, even though I don't feel it. Or maybe Brownie isn't Brownie but a deeper message of neglect or something. Sigh. The questions you could answer if you could afford a shrink.

Brownie and the Beau

Brownie has a girlfriend now, so I don't get to talk him all the time anymore. I called him the other night and his phone was just off- straight to voicemail. He was probably fuckin'. Sigh. Moan. Eyeroll. But don't get it mistaken. I'm not hatin'. Just miss him.

Brownie and the Nuva Ring

There is some 18-year-old that likes Brownie, and of course, he entertains her for no other reason than the fact that he is an attention sponge. He doesn't have intentions of dating or sleeping with this girl, but Brownie is the king of phone caking. So, that's what they do.
And boy, does she love to talk. I am officially naming telling too much of your business to people who don't need to know or ask for it a symptom of being young. The other day, she found it important tell Brownie that she wears a Nuva Ring. What was even more shocking than her spilling these beans was Brownie's reaction.
"Why would she tell me that?" he asked. All I could do was laugh. "Doesn't she know that that means that she let's niggas go up in her raw?"
I stop laughing."That's not what that means!"
"Yes it does. Who do you know that uses birth control and condoms?"
"Tons of people." But I have to say, I wasn't sure. I know that birth control only prevents pregnancy, not STIs, so you would need to use both right? I mean, that's common sense, but that doesn't mean that people follow that, for as Brownie so eloquently put it, "People don't be doublin' up like that."

A Tall Tale

One of Brownie's managers attempted to make a love connection with him and another young woman that he knows.
I was immediately wary. When older people make love connections, they are usually half-baked. All they take into account is that two young people they know are single, the end, so let's hook them up! They don't look at personality, body type, nada, just whether they are available. The person they think you would look perfect with could be a complete quack!
However, after doing Facebook research on Brownie's behalf on the girl, I was pleasantly surprised! The girl was apart of every club and group imaginable in school. She was even cute. However, I got the feeling that she was a bit tall...seeing that she was always last in line in all of her sorority pics.
This is only a problem because Brownie is a shrimp, for a boy anyway. He claims to be 5'7, but I put him at 5'5. So imagine his shock when he showed up and the girl was 6 feet even!
It never once occurred to me that a guy would even care if a girl was taller than him. I mean, look at Tom Cruise. I just assumed their love of jay-jay overruled everything else. Not for Brownie anyway.
Although this girl is cute and smart and wants to be a beauty queen and all of that, he had a Rolodex of reasons why it wouldn't work.
"She would have to bend down to kiss me."
"She felt like a foot taller than me."
"The man is supposed to be the protector and shit and make the girl feel safe. How can I do that if she is that much damn taller than me?"
Any other time I would agree. But I'm here to tell ya'll, loneliness is an eye-opener. This time just two months ago I would yell from the highest mountain that I would never date a short guy. But when you are by yourself and don't want to be, I find that you stop sweating the small things...like how small a guy is compared to you.

Bad Communication

It's true! Brownie was telling the truth! If you ignore a boy, he will pay attention to you!
Case in point, Curious. I was just so tired of being the one reaching out to him all the time, you know the story. So Brownie told me to ignore him. I stopped answering his texts and didn't call.
Fast forward to yesterday. As I was baking chicken breasts, he calls me and demands to know why I have not been texting or calling him. I tell him straight up that I was tired of making all of the efforts and figured that when he wanted to hear from me, he would call. Brownie says I just should have told him I was busy, but I felt like the truth was in order. Curious said that wasn't cool, that that's "bad communication" and that he waits on me to call him because he figures I am busy. Whatever.
Then he goes on to tell me he is going back to school. Now, this was shocking, seeing that I have brought this topic up before and he crapped on it. Now, after a week of no convo, he is ready to get an education.
I hate playing games with folks, but this is one trick I am going to keep up my sleeve.

Playing Games

The other night Brownie and I decided catch up on our beau dramas. I told him about the Curious Clusterfuck and he schooled me to some game...about games.
I will not attempt to quote him, for his wording was too genius. But basically, he evaluated my timeline. I was really into Curious once upon a time, and he vanished. Years later, I run into Sorta Beau and I am super smitten. Curious is furthest from my mind and pops back up, riding me hella tough. I ignore him because I am sooo into Sorta. Sorta then starts to back up. I then turn to Curious, and the less I call him the more he is buggin'. Return his "interest" and he starts acting funny. The moral of the story: the more interested I am the less they are, even if they initiated the feelings. The solution: act like I don't like them when I do so they can stay on my jock.
Here is the thing: I do not like games...of any kind. Checkers, Uno, nothing! I have always wanted my game to be the anti-game. I like you, I tell you, and if you like me, we move forward. Why should I have to waist the rest of my precious 20s playing double dutch with these clowns?! What ever happened to just being honest and upfront?
Apparently, according to Brownie, those are two qualities that games don't have. However, I always have the option to not play, and just be left out, like in middle school softball. So do I want to be stupid and play or have my integrity intact and sit out, again, like in middle school? I'm not sure. I feel like I am too old to be involved in this rig-a-maroo. However, I do know that in middle school, I always felt lonely reading my Christopher Pike novel while everyone else was having so much fun, even those that got hit in the head with the ball.

Brownie Says...

Brownie says that I am not ready for a relationship because I am selfish.
How did he come to this?
Well, it started when I confessed to him that I can't stand it when men cry! In my opinion, if a man is going to cry openly to me, he might as well cut off his testes and give them to me. I told him about the night Sorta Beau cried because he found out his baby wasn't his. I was so uncomfortable, that, as he balled, I was brainstorming ways to hang up. Of course, there are exceptions. Parents dying, severe burns, a new HIV diagnosis. Outside of that, I would prefer if you dry your eyes guys and cry in the privacy of your room, where I am not present.
That led us to talk about talking about your problems to your partner. Not a favorite of mine either. If I am working hard to create a carefree, fun, relaxing home environment for us, why would you bring in bullish from the outside world to make our house all tense? Go back to whoever or whatever made you mad and fix it, and in return, I will not make you listen to my issues.
In short, Brownie doesn't agree.
He believes men and women should be friends in a relationship. I believe I have enough friends that give me stress, and my man should be someone I can chill with, not an additional problem.
Brownies conclusion: I am immature and should not embark on a relationship as of yet. I don't get where he is coming from.

Boys Don't Cry, Right?

I have always had a hard time believing that men can feel any emotions, especially over women, largely due to the fact that they are such large shit heads.
Whenever one of my girlfriends went through a break-up, they went through the whole spectrum of emotions. They were sad. They were angry. They were irritated. It is almost always a nightmare. And they do all of this, no doubt, while their ex-boytoys are single again, back on the prowl. Never once had I witnessed a boy truly broken up over a girl...until recently.
My buddy Brownie just got out of a relationship that he put a lot of elbow grease into, let me tell you. He spent a year buttering her up and a year with her, yet somehow, it did not work out. What shocked me about the whole deal is that he is actually sad about it. Sometimes he's angry. I even detect a hint of irritation.
My buddy's brake-up has me rethinking what I have previously thought about males. If they are capable of feeling, then they are capable of thinking and reasoning and the whole thing. Which means they aren't as dumb as they want us to believe- which means that they really are human! Does this mean they now deserve my respect and compassion?
Man, I am truly lost on this one. I liked it better when I was under the impression that boys were just...boys: simple and heartless.