Peeing- A Hate Story

Going to the bathroom is the bane of my existence. I hate that I always have to go when I'm doing something. I hate that my blood pressure meds have me going 6000 times a day. I hate going in the middle of the night. And can anyone think of anything riskier than having to go in public? You never know what you are going to get. I got so tired of carrying around just-in-case disinfectant materials that I made a life rule: no pottying outside the house. Not even when I visit someone's house. I hate to be a tinkle snob, but not even my friends have bathrooms that meet my expectations. 

Lately, I have been asking myself a very serious question: is there really shame in turning to diapers at 39? I have to admit that I am seduced by the idea of all I could get done if I could go from a thousand bathroom breaks to just a couple of pamper changes. I had an elderly substitute teacher in high school, Ms. Rudie, who wore a diaper. I know this because you could see it through her khakis. It made her look like she had a BBL. On top of this, her diaper would crinkle when she walked. And we all would laugh about it. Looking back, I bet her life was incredibly effective. She would put her dipe-dipe on in the morning, teach all day, and not even have to worry about a toilet until the evening. Talk about saving time! 

It was brought to my attention that a handsome, single, well-built man may not want to date a woman who openly and proudly wears an elder Huggy. I get it. But at the same time, I have to ask myself, So what? It's not like the odds are in my favor in this anyway. I have been unlucky in love since Kindergarten when the little boy I was crushing on walked over and kicked over my Lego house. Anyway, Katt Williams told us the scoop: dudes are out here wearing man units! Do men really have the right to judge women anymore? I'm going to go on ahead and say no. 

Honestly, I think that the one thing that keeps me from going all Always Discreet is the price. Buying the supplies for the month would seriously eat into my snack budget, which I think that we all can agree is a non-negotiable. It would be cheaper to pee my pants every day and take a luxury limo service to and from the laundromat. Yet, I am finding these mad dashes to the bathroom problematic. I will let y'all know what I decide. 

Let's Not Get Physical

I turned 39 the other day and I was excited to go to the aquarium with Bells who is in town for the holidays. I used to make it a point to go to the aquarium annually because it is free for your birthday, but I had not been in a couple of years. Outside of seeing Bells, I was excited about seeing the big turtle. I found out that his name is Tank and I like to see him slow drag across the water. Then my aunty asked me, "Are you going to be able to do all that walking?" I was offended at first. I mean, I'm not handicapped! But just then I remembered: it is a sh&tload of walking! 

Child.

When I tell you that my back was screaming before I even made it to the ticket line! I mean let's be clear: I am in no way delusional about how out of shape I am. Recently, walking through my alma mater's campus for homecoming had me on life support! However, a few years ago I was able to walk the aquarium while taking occasional breaks. The other day, if I could have copped a squat every three steps I would have. 

"Do you need one of those things the old people use?" Bells asked me. 

YES! I screamed in my head. "No, I'm going to walk it," I said, confidently. There was no way I was going to spend my 39th birthday, my last year of youth, being wheeled around the aquarium. I regretted that decision almost immediately. Who needs pride when you have lower back pain? During one of the exhibits, a man wheeled an elderly woman I assume was his mother right up to the tank to see the fish. Wow, she's living the life, I thought. The only issue is that she was like 100 and I technically am not even middle-aged yet. Ridiculous. 

Yall, we were there for hours. At one point, I was willing to throw myself in the Beluga tank if it meant that I could get some rest. On top of being tired and in pain, my anxiety was beginning to crank up. There were misbehaving, screaming children coming out of the ceiling! I imagined myself having to elbow crawl myself through the overpriced gift shop out to the curb to catch my Lyft. 

That didn't happen though. Bells and I left the aquarium and sat outside for a while, people watching and talking. Over 5000 steps later, I was mentally patting myself on the back. I did it! My whole body felt broken, but I did it! When I got home, I collapsed on to the floor of my room for what felt like a second but for what ended up being more than an hour. I did it, but I was celebrating a victory that shouldn't have even been a thing! 2025, I've got to do better. Like, I have to. 

 

Friendly Fired

You know, as a kid thinking about what my life would be like as an adult, I didn't think that I would be on the eve of being 39 with friendship problems, but here I am. Earlier this year, it came to me that I had friends in my life that didn't like me. It just popped into my head, and I didn't know what to do with this information. I mean, what can you do with that information? Months later, I can tell you that one of my friendships is pretty much over and the other is on life support with little chance of survival. The way things are going, I may be sailing into middle age solo. 

As sad as I am to be going into the new year short some homies, I do have to say that I am proud of myself. I am taking this so well that even I am shocked! But as I have heard many a comedian say, the older you get the less you care. 20-something year old me would have taken to the bed in tears. I find myself too tired from life's stresses to have a reaction this go around. I just find myself shaking my head about the situation before rolling over to get more sleep. Let's hear it for growth! 

Just a thought: you know how they are always doing reboots of TV shows from back in the day? I think that they should do one of like The Babysitter's Club where our favorite childhood characters, now well into their 50s, have decided to stop talking to each other after begrudgingly deciding to sell their multimillion dollar babysitting app. Claudia and Mary Ann were over it and ready to sell. Kristy wanted them to sell and stay on as creative directors. Dawn was with what everyone else wanted to do and Jessie wanted to go global. Now no one is speaking. It's important to prepare kids for the future. 

Sugar Mama Era

My good girlfriend Leah called me last night to update me on her love life. She is currently dating a much younger man. She was actually dating two much younger men, but she had to let one of them go because they were not acting right. She texted me the young man's picture and he is handsome, but he also looks like a baby about the face. Listening to her talk about him, he sounded nice, but I don't think that going younger is my scene. If going to homecoming and being around the current students taught me anything, it is that I am old and do not find anything about the next generation relatable or attractive. I am a very low energy person and when I think of a younger man, I see him acting like my 5-year-old nephew, running around the house at full speed before he accidentally breaks something. And that sounds like a nightmare. I am broken enough. 

The Kicker

Have you noticed that people in relationships or in a marriage or partnership never encourage you to find a mate? I used to think that they all wanted to be a part of this exclusive club. Now I think that they are trying to warn single women to consider other options. I have told some people in my life that I want to have a boyfriend, and these have been their responses:

Friend 1: "Get a cat."

Friend 2: "Get a dog."

Friend 3: "Get real."

Friend 4: "Get one of those professional cuddle buddies you can pay by the hour."

Friend 5: "Get a weighted blanket."

Friend 5 was my favorite because she elaborated on her response. She has also been in a committed relationship for 300 years. She says, "Boyfriends are a lot of work." She seemed so exhausted when she said it that I thought she was going to drop to the floor and take a nap right then! "Like, a lot of work. But you can get a weighted blanket on Amazon!" She said it as if she was five minutes away from placing an order of her own. 

Candy is nothing if not proactive. She sent me the link to what I thought was a dating app for men who like fat chicks. It ended up being a Facebook group for bony men who like to see hearty women in lacey thongs. I have not worn a thong since my sophomore year in college, so I don't think that page is the space for me. 

So sadly, I think that this is going to be another cold, cuddle-less winter. I have no idea where to find a man, and I attempted to give myself a big hug and it hurt my back and shoulder. That weighted blanket may be the move though. I saw some very affordable options on Amazon. 

Stressed

Homecoming is over and it is now time to return to the disappointing garbage can fire that is my life. I have officially plunged into Post Traumatic Homecoming Syndrome. That is when I return home and realize, after spending the weekend fraternizing with doctors and pharmacists, that I am a loser. On top of this, I am so sleepy I cannot sleep. I babysat my 2-month-old niece that slept in 15-minute intervals before waking up screaming. I do believe that I am traumatized by my train ride to and from New Orleans. The ride was long, I was beyond uncomfortable, and an old drunk man flashed me his penis which was HORRIBLE! I won't even talk about my never-ending search for good, affordable healthcare.  I am anxious. My nerves are on end. I desire silence and solitude. On top of this, I want to drop my head into a cake. I need a shower. I have therapy tomorrow, thank God. Sleepy. Okay, bye. 

Homecoming Post 10 (Bonus)- The Gold and The Beautiful

Int. Bedroom of a Bayou Mansion- Night

HOLLY CLAY wakes up with a start in a beautifully decorated bedroom. She sits up, realizing that she is wearing a princess gown, think Tiana from The Princess and The Frog.

HOLLY

Where am I?

A grandfather clock strikes midnight in the corner. Holly gets up from the bed as there is a knock on the door. She races to the door and opens it to see CANE THE KAPPA on the porch. He is wearing a black and maroon suit and tails, and his hair is long, down to his waist.

HOLLY

Whoa. Did you get a relaxer?

CANE

I did. What do you think?

HOLLY

I can dig it daddy.

CANE

Good, because this Just for Me is just for you.

Cane enters the house as the chopped and screwed version of "Cupid" by 112 blares from someplace upstairs. He then begins to shimmy the 100 feet to the dining room. They have a seat at a long dining room table, think Beauty and the Beast.

HOLLY

Wow. This is gorgeous. I just...I don't know how I got here.

CANE

I guess the question is, how do any of us really get anywhere?

HOLLY

Uh...walking. Running. Skipping.

CANE

(tossing his outrageously long hair over his shoulder)

Or by floating on the wings of your love.

HOLLY

Ah Cane, that's so-

There is a loud knock on the front door.

HOLLY

Who the hell is it?!

Holly kicks off her crystal flats and slides to the door. She opens it to find CAPTAIN MORGAN.

HOLLY

Captain Morgan?! What do you want?

CAPTAIN MORGAN

Hey Holly. I just wanted to say that I am sorry.

HOLLY

Sorry for what?

CAPTAIN MORGAN

Nothing. I just heard that you like to hear men apologize for stuff.

HOLLY

True dat. But I'm in the middle of something here.

CAPTAIN MORGAN

Listen, I'm married. You don't know my wife, but just know that she's a baddie.

HOLLY

Of course.

CAPTAIN MORGAN

But I did want you to know that if I would have known your feelings for me your freshman year, I would have dropped that Miss Xavier and got with you.

HOLLY

No, you wouldn't have.

CAPTAIN MORGAN

No, I wouldn't have. But overlooking you was cold. Some may even say it was ice cold.

HOLLY

Alright. Okay. See you later bro.

Holly slams the door shut and races back to the dining room which has been transformed into a ballroom. Cane is twirling his kane to the slowed version of "Rain" by SWV. She steps on to the ballroom floor as diamonds begin to rain from the ceiling.

HOLLY

Diamonds!

CANE

Not just any diamonds. Kappa diamonds.

HOLLY

What is the difference between a real diamond and a Kappa diamond?

CANE

I don't know. What's the difference between a bad wig and a so-so sew-in?

HOLLY 

Can I touch your kane?

CANE

That depends. Are your hands clean?

HOLLY

As clean as they're gonna be.

The two race towards each other but stop midway as they hear "I'm in Love" by Ginuwine blaring from outside. Holly rushes to the window to see SPHINXIE VAN NO-STEP standing in the rain with a large boom box.

CANE

Man...you have a lot of dudes coming around here.

HOLLY

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I will get rid of him.

Holly walks out a side door and the bayou has been transformed into a desert. She reaches out her hand. Snow is falling.

HOLLY

Sphinxie, it's freezing!

SPHINXIE

Is it? I can't tell, I have an icebox where my heart used to be!

That's all for now