B- Day

Yesterday was my mom's birthday and I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I didn't even mourn her like I usually do on this day. I tried to keep myself busy. We didn't do cake this year. I've been feeling so overwhelmed that I didn't even remember to get a cake. 

My good girlfriend texted me that her dad is dying. I feel badly for her because I know the anvil of pain that is about to fall on her head. It's going to feel unbearable and there is no way to prep her. Dizzle's mom and grandma died and I watched her go through it, and even seeing her devastated did nothing to ease the specific devastation that was coming for me. It's just something you have to feel, there is no way around it. 

A guy I went to college with just got married and had a baby. The baby many be an only child and will have to deal with this loss twice on her own. I don't think people consider that enough before they have kids, which is cruel. 

Anyway, happy b-day Mommy. 

41 and Done?

My birthday was the other day!

Over the years, I have had boatloads of emotions surrounding my birthday. Once I turned 30, I began to have a lot of anxiety around getting older. I would also get sad if people didn't reach out to me with birthday wishes, although such is always the case with holiday babies. People get so busy during the Christmas season that we are often forgotten. This was not the case for my birthday this go 'round. Tiesh called and sang me the birthday song and bought me lunch. Bells dropped off flowers and homemade cookies. Lisha got me a soap and perfume set. My aunty got me a cake and ice cream. People called me and sent me well-wishes on social media. I ended the day feeling really loved. Yet, one thing that I noticed is that I wasn't having my usual sadness about not bringing in my birthday with a boyfriend. I really didn't think about it until towards the end of the day, and even then I didn't care. I'd had a good day, and considered my not allowing my birthday to revolve around not being partnered to be a sign of growth. This morning I reconsidered this. Was it a sign of growth or a bigger and more telling sign that I have given up?

Since the inception of Facebook and any other site where you can upload pictures, I have been tortured by fancy pics of my friends out on the town and dressed to the nines with their boyfriends on their birthdays. I have been so jealous and wanted to know what it was like for someone with a romantic interest in me to do special things for me on my special day. I generally have taken my birthday into my own hands. In my 20s, I would throw myself parties because I wanted them and knew that no one was going to surprise me with one. There was no guy in my life going behind my back to make arrangements and inform friends of secret plans. The birthdays of my 30s were filled with free trips to the aquarium and tears. Last year, I was healing from an injury, so this year it was nice to have a fun, stress-free birthday. However, not worrying about not having a man for once has me wondering if I am officially entering into my cat lady era. I am either maturing and realizing that I am loved beyond my desire to have someone in my life, or I am deciding that I will always be alone and to just move past it. If my Googling of knitting classes is a telltale sign, I will have to go with the last choice. 

When I think about the time I have spent bellyaching over not having a man, I am truly embarrassed. I could have used that time to start a business or, at the very least, get some great sleep. For this last birthday, I just didn't have a spirit of bellyacheness on me. I didn't feel over it, I just felt at peace. 

I am choosing to believe that I am merely experiencing the peace before partnership. And even with that being said, I'm not afraid to break out my knitting kit at any time. If wisdom comes with age, allow me to put on my wisdom wig. This birthday showed me what I have always known: I am truly cared for. I will be okay. 

Blah

For the first holiday in a lot of holidays, I am finding that I am not suffering from seasonal depression. This may have something to do with my apparently not recognizing that the holidays are happening. It is hard to be depressed about something that you are not acknowledging is going on in real time. I just happened to look up yesterday and noticed that there was something off about the living room. 

"Are we not putting up the Christmas tree this year?" I asked my aunt. 

She looked over at the empty space where the tree would usually be standing. "I guess not."

Although it is very cold in Atlanta, it doesn't feel like Christmas to me. Even with the hundreds of bad holiday movies I am confronted with on all my streaming services, I can't equate right now with being just a few days before Christmas. I even missed my holiday service at church, but not on purpose. The days flew by, and I forgot to go. 

My grandma used to say that Christmas is really a celebration for the kids in your family, which is crazy, because my 7-year-old nephew is usually holiday crazy, but has not been this time around. He formulated a completely unrealistic Christmas list based on a catalogue that came in the mail from Amazon. He gave it to me, and that was the last thing I heard him say about Christmas. 

I'm not unhappy this go 'round, but I am certainly not jolly. There is so much going on in the world and in the country that I think that the holiday spirit, or even negative feelings I may have around it, have been zapped from my consciousness. I even turn 41 in like a week and have no feelings about it outside of being grateful. My emotion about the holiday boils down to one word: blah. 

The Case of the 40s

I don't know where I thought I was going to be at 40 years old, but I'm positive it's not here. And by here, of course, I mean nowhere doing nothing. 

When I was in my early - mid 20s, I used to throw myself hotel room birthday parties. I was so excited about them! I got such a kick out of planning them and figuring out what I was going to wear. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to live it up, because sugar would go to sh*t, literally for the next 15 years. 

The other day, I had a dream that I was panicked, planning for a party at a big mansion. I was running around trying to get food and drinks for my guests, and I hired Kid Rock to do the photography and videography. I used to love him in high school. Not so much now. I think that we can agree that he's a little different now. Anywho, I woke up and figured that the dream was telling me that I wanted to have a birthday party for my 40th. 

On social media, I have seen my friends celebrate their 40ths in a whole bunch of fun and cute ways. International trips. Girls nights. Cruises. Family fun days. Spa weekends. Elaborate dinners. You name it! The last time I attempted to throw a movie night for my birthday, I invited a whole bunch of folks and only one person showed up. Luckily, it was one of my good friends. We drank sparkling apple juice and talked over tacos. It was a nice night, but a painful reminder that my friends either don't like me or don't give a crap. I would like to have a party because it would be nice to be excited about something, but if no one showed, I'd be crushed and disappointed, and I can't risk that. I am already crushed and disappointed, just living day-to-day. 

Right now, I am leaning towards getting an AirBnB for a weekend, turning out all the lights, and laying face first into a bed pillow, groaning. That may sound depressing, but it is actually one of my favorite things to do. I will keep you posted on my plans, or lack thereof. 

Let's Not Get Physical

I turned 39 the other day and I was excited to go to the aquarium with Bells who is in town for the holidays. I used to make it a point to go to the aquarium annually because it is free for your birthday, but I had not been in a couple of years. Outside of seeing Bells, I was excited about seeing the big turtle. I found out that his name is Tank and I like to see him slow drag across the water. Then my aunty asked me, "Are you going to be able to do all that walking?" I was offended at first. I mean, I'm not handicapped! But just then I remembered: it is a sh&tload of walking! 

Child.

When I tell you that my back was screaming before I even made it to the ticket line! I mean let's be clear: I am in no way delusional about how out of shape I am. Recently, walking through my alma mater's campus for homecoming had me on life support! However, a few years ago I was able to walk the aquarium while taking occasional breaks. The other day, if I could have copped a squat every three steps I would have. 

"Do you need one of those things the old people use?" Bells asked me. 

YES! I screamed in my head. "No, I'm going to walk it," I said, confidently. There was no way I was going to spend my 39th birthday, my last year of youth, being wheeled around the aquarium. I regretted that decision almost immediately. Who needs pride when you have lower back pain? During one of the exhibits, a man wheeled an elderly woman I assume was his mother right up to the tank to see the fish. Wow, she's living the life, I thought. The only issue is that she was like 100 and I technically am not even middle-aged yet. Ridiculous. 

Yall, we were there for hours. At one point, I was willing to throw myself in the Beluga tank if it meant that I could get some rest. On top of being tired and in pain, my anxiety was beginning to crank up. There were misbehaving, screaming children coming out of the ceiling! I imagined myself having to elbow crawl myself through the overpriced gift shop out to the curb to catch my Lyft. 

That didn't happen though. Bells and I left the aquarium and sat outside for a while, people watching and talking. Over 5000 steps later, I was mentally patting myself on the back. I did it! My whole body felt broken, but I did it! When I got home, I collapsed on to the floor of my room for what felt like a second but for what ended up being more than an hour. I did it, but I was celebrating a victory that shouldn't have even been a thing! 2025, I've got to do better. Like, I have to. 

 

35

I just turned 35 on Monday, yay!
When I was in my early 20s, I used to throw these crazy parties and dinners for my birthdays. I would  spend all year saving my money and going over guest lists, visiting venues, and planning menus. I just couldn't wait to have a shindig where I could dance, laugh, and get presents. Those days are so far behind me, because when I tell you that I chilled on my birthday, I want you to believe it!
Early in the year, I wanted to throw myself a 1990s themed party with old school music and ring pops. Then I wanted to have a general Christmas celebration. I even thought of redoing the EPIC lingerie soiree that I threw when I turned 25. By Halloween, I knew that none of these things were going to happen. I just felt sad for being old and wanted to sit down somewhere.
The sadness lifted about four days before my birthday. I didn't want to turnup, but I did want to hang out with friends. By this point, most of my friends where making plans to leave town for the holidays. Luckily, I called Tasia up who was able to come scoop me up over the weekend. She got me a cake. Her fiance made me a turkey burger, and we watched The Best Man Holiday. It was perfect day!
The day of my birthday, I wrapped myself in a blanket and slept on and off throughout the day. I contemplated going to the aquarium, for it is free to go on your birthday, but it was cold and rainy out. Instead, I opted to take some amazing naps. My brother got me some seafood pasta for lunch, my aunt bought me a cake and ice cream, and my mentor got me a Target gift card that I used to get myself a much-needed new purse. I had salmon for dinner and ended the night watching reruns of Amen of Youtube, showered in social media love and bday tests from my friends. Yes, my 35 birthday was perfect.

34

I once went to a dinner party where one of the guests stood up and showed me her vajayjay. She had been talking about how she got Brazilian waxes. This being years ago, I had never heard of a Brazilian wax. So she stood up, lifted her skirt, and showed me her bare snatch in front of everyone. That was nowhere near as awkward as the idea of spending another year of my life doing the same old same old.
How am I feeling? I feel like I want to be emersed in hot water and emerge with a life, job, money, and a man worthy of a  34-year-old woman. I have been told that fear and doubt are lifelong obstacles, but my obstacles have been hanging around for a bit too long. I have got to shake these and at least make rooms for some new ones.
And yes, I have been feeling this way for a while. You may be wondering what everyone else in my life is wondering: what will make next year different than the horrors of years passed? As tired and depressed and downtrodden that I am and have been, I have to make this year a year of action. And not because I can't wait to hit the ground running, but because I have seen what happens when you sit on your ass and cry for years and I have to tell you all, it's not pretty.
To show you how serious I am about 34, I am already getting ready for the new me, a whopping two months in advance. And this is serious. I could be using this two months to enjoy the last bit of time I can dedicate to my destitution and deep unhappiness but no, I am making moves baby! And last week, I made the biggest move yet: I bought a new journal. All the lady bosses who claim that they have it all together have all said journaling your goals and dreams is the easiest, quickest way to get your life off the ground. It's pink, sparkly, and has some type of positive saying on the front. It has good juju and I am excited to see what good luck it brings me.
But for now, I am going to watch E! TV in my nightgown and silk bonnet while drinking hot tea out of a plastic bowl...braless. I know. Awkward.

Homecoming Post 7: 33 and Me

I will be 33 in less than a month. Believe it or not, I had almost forgotten, until I went to homecoming and remembered that once upon a time, I used to walk up and down the campus multiple times a day. Up stairs and down stairs. Across the canal and back again. Oh to be 19, because on the verge of 33, all I wanted to do was sit down someplace and take a nap. Yes, homecoming taught me somethings about myself as an old woman. Below are some points.

I can party...just not all night
When I was a sophomore, me and two of my friends decided to literally stay on Bourbon Street from dusk until dawn. We stayed at the club until we were put out for falling asleep on the stage at around 7am. I don't know why we would do something that stupid. During homecoming, I felt like I was winning, leaving each party promptly at 1:30am. I can't be cute if I don't get enough sleep. Which brings me to my next point.

I have a bedtime

Yes, I am in my 30s with a bedtime and I don't care how much of a lame that makes me. I. Need. My. Rest. Thumbs up to the hotties I saw on campus who I saw at the club the night before who left after me and were still cute in the morning. I know I make being cute look easy, but it ain't. It's a delicate combination of water consumption, fish oil tablets, and sleep that is keeping me alive and pretty. 

I hate shoes 

Once upon a time, I would be be uncomfortable on purpose just to be cute. Tight skirts and dresses. Yass girl, I tried it! Not today. I may be able to tolerate uncomfortable clothes, but not shoes. When my feet hurt, I have to kick my shoes off. In the grocery store. In church. At the club. I can not stand to be in shoes. My feet have to be free! I enjoyed being barefoot at the club all of homecoming until I saw some little shit taking a picture of my feet. I'd like to say this made me put my shoes back on. It didn't. 

I think all men are fine 

At the tailgate, everyone guy I saw looked good. They all looked young. They all looked buff. They were all hotties. After having a who's cute powwow with friends, I was informed that I must have been seeing things. They are all fat, not buff, and were definitely hotter in college. I disagree. They have all aged like fine wine to me. Those advanced degrees have done their bodies good honey! 

I no longer have an alcohol tolerance 

Club night one: I had an amaretto sour, heavy ice. Club night two: I had a Ciroc and cranberry that had me sweatin'! Club night three: I crashed someone's VIP and got some cranberry juice. The moral of the story: my drinking days are over. I have lost a taste for alcohol, and the little bit that I do drink nearly knocks me off my feet. #byebyehandgrenadedays

I turn 33 right before Christmas, and I suspect as my 33rd year goes on my list will get longer. And I don't care, another symptom of old age. 

Go to Church Part 2- The Christian Dork

I was invited to a White Party to celebrate the 30th birthday of my friend Kyndra and her twin sister. I was excited to go! Although I don't look great in white, I love a good party, especially when I know for sure that there is going to be cake.
When I got to the venue with our mutual friend Sarina, I was surprised at the number of people out on the dance floor dancing clumsily while laughing and goofing around. I wasn't there long before it became obvious that I was in the company of dorks. And no, this is not a bad thing as one may think. I have always enjoyed the company of dorks. They like to have a good time and love to live like no one is watching...although everyone obviously is.
While dancing in my seat, a woman came over to me and introduced herself. She told me that her name was Marie, and asked me how I knew the twins.
"I only know one. I volunteer with Kyndra," I informed her.
"Oh cool! I go to church with them."
My heart skipped a beat. I looked past her at the dorks behind her, dancing in circles. I wasn't just in the company of dorks...I was in the company of Christian Dorks. YASSS!
If you are not sure what a Christian Dork is, you either have never been to church or you are one. They are just cool, dope, Christian people who like to act silly and are always happy and friendly. You see, I have experience with Christian Dorks. For a weird period in high school, I was one as a co-president of The Y Club.
Man, those were good times! I loved the retreats with Y-Club members from other schools where we went to Bible workshops and sang Christian songs while a cute dude with long hair jammed along on a guitar. Everyone was so nice and warm and welcoming and just apologetically dorky! At those retreats, I felt like I had found my people. I'm not sure what happened...
I had a good time, dancing and meeting Kyndra's church friends. While munching on cookies with the twins' names on them, I wondered if the fun, light-hearted, I'm not being judged feeling would be what I felt if I started going to church again. The very thought took me back to a period of time when I was 17 and actually happy; a pocket of time where my naysayer attitude had stepped to the side so I could enjoy life.
Marie invited me to their church and I just may go. She said they are Bible-focused and have a really good singles ministry. If I don't like it, I can just leave and pick up a husband on the way out.

Me and Kyndra at her birthday White Party. 

Snapped: 50 Cent Celebrates his Birthday at DRAI'S BEACHCLUB • NIGHTCLUB

Last night, rapper/actor 50 Cent celebrated his birthday at Drai’s Beachclub • Nightclub atop The Cromwell. He shared the stage with R&B megastar Trey Songz. The two performed to a packed house, andafterwards, partied for the rest of the evening, which was sponsored by 50's Vodka brand Effen Vodka.

Photo Credit: Patrick Gray / Kabik Photo Group

Happy Belated Birthday His Holiness

 

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama turned 80 yesterday! On the 4th of July at Rancho Los Lomas in Irvine, California, the Peak Mind Foundation hosted the His Holiness Dalai Lama For His Birthday Event. Entertainer Aloe Blacc performed a tribute, and celebs such as Forest Whitaker showed up to pay homage to the icon.

Photo Credit: Kristin Burns

Happy Birthday Grammy!

 Grams, the birthday girl. 

Fudge cake

Forcing my brother to love me.

Me 

Aunt Lara and Grams

 My brother Cass and Grandma

My grandmother has Alzheimer's, but that didn't stop her from being fabulous at 89. We  had a party, equipped with cake, ice cream, family, and Mardi Gras beads which, for some reason, she has become fixated with in old age, lol. Grams was totally into the photo ops, and even sang us and her nurses a little Dionne Warwick in closing. Happy bday, love you Grams!



Yesterday was my birthday! I am officially 29, and I used the day to chill as hard as I could possibly chill! I was showered with my two favorite gifts: food and money. I ended my day by baking myself a cake and watching Tales from the Crypt with my little brother. It was a no-fuss awesome day.

Birthday Wishes

Today is the birthday of two of the coolest women in my life: my roommate Audra and my client, designer extraordinaire Karen Swinger. Happy Birthday! Also, here are the plugs: Audra gets paid every time someone clicks on her Facebook page so give her a click, we are broke, Facebook.com/BlemishesOfTheMind. Karen is THE Atlanta designer. Look her up at: ThePerfectChoiceDesigns.com. Again, happy birthday ladies!

Birthday Breakdown

On December 18, I had my birthday party. It was at this amazing hotel downtown with a perfect view of the city. Sadly, everyone RSVPed and hardly anyone came. However, I was not saddened by this. The people I loved most came, my friend Felisha came from out of town and brought this awesome natural girl along, and I had food left over. Some people called out, others didn't. I just have the feeling that many didn't want to pay for parking. Which is sad but understandable. Downtown Atlanta parking on a Friday is a mess.
Yesterday, on my actual bday, I went to the mall, had lunch with my Atlanta Felisha, and went to go see The Princess and the Frog. I was excited to see a black princess, although the last Disney movie I saw in the theatre was The Lion King, so sadly, I kind of dozed off for five minutes during the movie. That night, I bought a marble cake and some vanilla ice cream, stuck two huge number candles in it and made a wish. Can't tell you what the wish was silly. That's against the rules.
I kept myself busy for my birthday as to not start feeling down. I always have a birthday shindig, but very rarely am I happy for my bday. I do believe that I will be that post-menopausal woman that cries on her birthday, because I am damn near in tears when my bday rolls by now in my twenties! My positive friends see each year that passes as a blessing. As a positively negative person, I see each year that passes as a reminder of all the things I have yet to do and all the things I need to do.
At the gym the other day I told a sistah, who is maybe in her mid-40s, that I am turning 25. She told me that I am in the prime of my life. I am hunched over my computer surrounded by boxes, loose pieces of paper, and clothes. I know that I am in my heart, but forgive me if I don't feel like it.

Lost in Atlanta

I just wanted to ask a question: what I am doing with my life?
I wanted to ask you all, because I clearly don't know.
What I do know is that at one point I had goals for myself; strong, serious goals for myself. But these goals were too high. You know, the TV-created, pretty goals that are created in the safety and security of collegiate settings? So once I graduated and my bubble was ever so politely busted, I created more suitable, doable goals that would eventually get me where I want to be, but they have slowly but surely become plaque in my memory banks. The real world has bitch slapped me folks, and left me standing in the middle of downtown in an easy fitting yet stylish ensemble, with my hands in the air!
Blame it on the economy. Blame it on the confidence I have within myself. Hell, you can even blame it on the alcohol. But at three months shy of my 25th birthday, I feel totally and utterly defeated. De-feat-ed!
Man, just writing that took a lot out of me. I'm going to bed.