My roommates love to be naked, which is OK, only I can't stand nudity. I feel like this is going to be a major learning experience.
Last night Connie knocked on my door, completely naked, just reminding me to turn the shower water off all the way. And the night before last, I woke up to Cinnamon wrapped in a towel the size of washcloth as she was getting ready for work. Their thing is that we are all girls, so what's the point?
Guys, I have a BIG issue with nudity. Always have and I don't know why. I just feel like people should be naked the way God intended: in the dark and alone. And nudity isn't new to me. My aunt and mother are nudies, walking to the kitchen naked to go get some water. But I'm still sensitive to it. I think it is just one of those things that I will never get over. I don't care what the liberal thinkers and the nudity magazines say, people look better clothed.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Dial Me ATT
So my Internet was on the fritz and the ATT man had to come out. Can I just say that he was FINE! He was just such a...man, you know? Like he was tall and big and buff and brown and FINE!
It was so embarrassing because the first time he came to my house to do repairs, my roommate and I looked like trash, still in our night clothes looking a hot mess. He was supposed to come yesterday and didn't. He left a message on my voicemail and immediately called back.
"My damn phone died yesterday, but I am coming over there to get you set up. Let's do the damn thang."
Yes...lets.
Today, I was prepped for his visit, showered, dressed in a dress with afro picked.
As he sat at my computer, doing whatever computer dudes do, I just sat and stared at him, licking my lips. He was just TOO FINE! Watching him looking all good, I just wanted to get up and kiss and am rub his shoulders and all of that good stuff. I wanted to start a witty conversation, but couldn't. I got all shy and such and couldn't say much, other than, "Thank you for coming out!" I don't feel like he was interested, but he did wave my repair fees. I guess I should just cut my losses, but I'm holding on to his business card. Perhaps I can mold him into a phone cake buddy.
It was so embarrassing because the first time he came to my house to do repairs, my roommate and I looked like trash, still in our night clothes looking a hot mess. He was supposed to come yesterday and didn't. He left a message on my voicemail and immediately called back.
"My damn phone died yesterday, but I am coming over there to get you set up. Let's do the damn thang."
Yes...lets.
Today, I was prepped for his visit, showered, dressed in a dress with afro picked.
As he sat at my computer, doing whatever computer dudes do, I just sat and stared at him, licking my lips. He was just TOO FINE! Watching him looking all good, I just wanted to get up and kiss and am rub his shoulders and all of that good stuff. I wanted to start a witty conversation, but couldn't. I got all shy and such and couldn't say much, other than, "Thank you for coming out!" I don't feel like he was interested, but he did wave my repair fees. I guess I should just cut my losses, but I'm holding on to his business card. Perhaps I can mold him into a phone cake buddy.
The Call
This weekend I talked to P.
I randomly texted him in response to his picture text, and that led to us talking on the phone.
It's funny, because I thought that all this time talking to him would make me all extra happy. I would not say that I was not happy, but I am more so happy to hear that he is OK than anything. I don't get the feeling that we will be talking again soon or anything, just good to know he is cool.
Call me childish, but I am also happy that he was the one to crack and call me, not the other way around. I also take pleasure in his realizing that I blocked him from leaving comments on my Facebook page.
The convo did get a little odd though when he put his new girlfriend on the phone and had me say hi. She seems nice, and I was pleasant. But I just feel like the whole thing was inappropriate. I don't feel like I care to know his new beau, and I found it odd that after not talking for damn near two months, introducing me to his new lady was on his to-do list. I was unphased. This is just part of the assiness that is P, but Dorothy was not excited.
"He contacted you because he had not heard from you and wanted to make sure that you were still in his corner, that he could still show you minimal respect! Don't talk to him, block his number, and erase him from your Facebook! You don't have time for this shit!"
I would hope that this is not the case, but it probably is. Just understand, my expectations are low. After the whole fiasco, his feaux-apology, and his friend-dumping me through text, I don't see how we can be buddy-buddy again. I don't think that either of us wants to. Our whole friendship, at least on my end, was a complete emotional roller coaster. And even though I have been missing him somethin' horrible and wanted to talk to him so bad, I am settled. I have to say that I am cool now with being off this ride. I feel...resolved.
I randomly texted him in response to his picture text, and that led to us talking on the phone.
It's funny, because I thought that all this time talking to him would make me all extra happy. I would not say that I was not happy, but I am more so happy to hear that he is OK than anything. I don't get the feeling that we will be talking again soon or anything, just good to know he is cool.
Call me childish, but I am also happy that he was the one to crack and call me, not the other way around. I also take pleasure in his realizing that I blocked him from leaving comments on my Facebook page.
The convo did get a little odd though when he put his new girlfriend on the phone and had me say hi. She seems nice, and I was pleasant. But I just feel like the whole thing was inappropriate. I don't feel like I care to know his new beau, and I found it odd that after not talking for damn near two months, introducing me to his new lady was on his to-do list. I was unphased. This is just part of the assiness that is P, but Dorothy was not excited.
"He contacted you because he had not heard from you and wanted to make sure that you were still in his corner, that he could still show you minimal respect! Don't talk to him, block his number, and erase him from your Facebook! You don't have time for this shit!"
I would hope that this is not the case, but it probably is. Just understand, my expectations are low. After the whole fiasco, his feaux-apology, and his friend-dumping me through text, I don't see how we can be buddy-buddy again. I don't think that either of us wants to. Our whole friendship, at least on my end, was a complete emotional roller coaster. And even though I have been missing him somethin' horrible and wanted to talk to him so bad, I am settled. I have to say that I am cool now with being off this ride. I feel...resolved.
Friday, August 27, 2010
My inability to find another job has me feeling hopeless, to say the least. All I want to do is hide under the bed and eat.
I can not fit under the bed, but I am eating like never before, shoving junk down my throat without really chewing it. I am assuming I have gained weight because I bought a new pair of pants and they barely made it past my thighs.
For the sake of my already alarming unhealthiness and ever-expanding waistline, I need a second job...QUICK!
I can not fit under the bed, but I am eating like never before, shoving junk down my throat without really chewing it. I am assuming I have gained weight because I bought a new pair of pants and they barely made it past my thighs.
For the sake of my already alarming unhealthiness and ever-expanding waistline, I need a second job...QUICK!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Phone Pic
The night before last night I got a picture message from P- a pic of himself smiling and a caption about his job. I stared at it, then went to sleep. When I woke up, I saw it and almost screamed. What the Hell is this?! Did he send me this on mistake? How did I get it if I blocked his number? Is this his way of communicating with me again, or was he just bored or what? Is he just messin' with me?
I texted Haynes for some direction. She said I could text him and just be general. I have wanted to hear from him for almost two months now, and now that I have, I am VERY apprehensive. I didn't respond. What if I texted him and he didn't text me back. I have this thing about not reversing my healing. I will keep you posted.
I texted Haynes for some direction. She said I could text him and just be general. I have wanted to hear from him for almost two months now, and now that I have, I am VERY apprehensive. I didn't respond. What if I texted him and he didn't text me back. I have this thing about not reversing my healing. I will keep you posted.
No Sexy No Talky
My roomie Connie is a man-eater.
It is so funny because it is not often that you meet a girl that really acts and thinks like a boy.
For Connie, men are disposable. She uses them for sex and nothing more. She doesn't want to be their friend, their girlfriend, their pal, nothing. If they are not talking hook-up, she hangs up. Of course, opposites attract, so all she meets are men that say they want a casual relationship but really want a wifey. Little do they know, Connie is not the one. I sat with my mouth open last night as she went off.
"So he called me yesterday to see if I was OK." She had been sick. "And I was like, if you ain't callin' about fuckin', don't call me! Do worry about how I'm doing!"
I have to say that it's a bit refreshing, watching men stumble over themselves and be confused for a change, but she is so not a girl that it is scary. Most girls would swoon if a guy called to check up on us. Pulling a stunt like that with Connie will have her moving on to the next cut buddy. She is so cold, that she has been known to kick a man IMMEDIATELY out of the house after sex.
She is like a real-life Samantha! She can not stay faithful. She is consistently on to the next one. But if I wonder if that would get lonely. I mean wouldn't you want to be committed to someone.
Sitting before me naked wrapped in a blanket, she simply answered, "Nope."
It is so funny because it is not often that you meet a girl that really acts and thinks like a boy.
For Connie, men are disposable. She uses them for sex and nothing more. She doesn't want to be their friend, their girlfriend, their pal, nothing. If they are not talking hook-up, she hangs up. Of course, opposites attract, so all she meets are men that say they want a casual relationship but really want a wifey. Little do they know, Connie is not the one. I sat with my mouth open last night as she went off.
"So he called me yesterday to see if I was OK." She had been sick. "And I was like, if you ain't callin' about fuckin', don't call me! Do worry about how I'm doing!"
I have to say that it's a bit refreshing, watching men stumble over themselves and be confused for a change, but she is so not a girl that it is scary. Most girls would swoon if a guy called to check up on us. Pulling a stunt like that with Connie will have her moving on to the next cut buddy. She is so cold, that she has been known to kick a man IMMEDIATELY out of the house after sex.
She is like a real-life Samantha! She can not stay faithful. She is consistently on to the next one. But if I wonder if that would get lonely. I mean wouldn't you want to be committed to someone.
Sitting before me naked wrapped in a blanket, she simply answered, "Nope."
A Bi-Curious Curiosity
As you all probably know, Fantasia Barrino recently tried to hack herself, and when she talked about it on TV, she said she knew what she was doing. She was just tired of men and their "bullshit."
I have been hearing this a lot from some of my girlfriends, but they are not swallowing pills, they are just jumping ship and going for girls. They are over men. They have had it. At 25 they are burnt out, and they feel like they have already seen the best, and the worst, that men have to offer. They are over it.
As I listened to one of my girls tell me about her new, beautiful med school girl crush, I frowned a bit. I think it is presumptuous to think that no more man = no more bullshit. I mean, it's not like no woman no cry. Anyone can hurt you. Maybe the blow is softer from a girl...and prettier. But for some reason I doubt it. Anyone with the ability to love you has the ability to hurt you. Va-jay-jay or no va-jay-jay.
But what can I say. Some of my friends are lonely and just want something new. I am eager to see how the bi-curious story ends.
I have been hearing this a lot from some of my girlfriends, but they are not swallowing pills, they are just jumping ship and going for girls. They are over men. They have had it. At 25 they are burnt out, and they feel like they have already seen the best, and the worst, that men have to offer. They are over it.
As I listened to one of my girls tell me about her new, beautiful med school girl crush, I frowned a bit. I think it is presumptuous to think that no more man = no more bullshit. I mean, it's not like no woman no cry. Anyone can hurt you. Maybe the blow is softer from a girl...and prettier. But for some reason I doubt it. Anyone with the ability to love you has the ability to hurt you. Va-jay-jay or no va-jay-jay.
But what can I say. Some of my friends are lonely and just want something new. I am eager to see how the bi-curious story ends.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Will Work for Work
Today, after being driven to a state of hopelessness over finding a second job, I began to email my cover letter and resume to different companies in the Atlanta area that I would like to work at. Seriously, I just Googled and emailed, Googled and emailed. I HOPE that one of the companies takes pity on my desperateness and at least calls me in for an interview. If not, I will have to start getting people fired on purpose then applying for their jobs. Hey, by any means necessary.
Brownie Bite #1
"Don't tell girls a guy is short. Tell her he is taller than her, because saying he is short is an immediate turn off."
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
So here in Atlanta, a fellow fatty goes to get her toes done and when she goes to pay for her bill, she notices that she has bee charged $5 extra. She asks why, and they tell her it's because there is a fee for being fat. Apparently, overweight customers have been breaking their chairs and they are charging all the fatties $5 to go towards repairs. When the customer complained, they refunded her her $5, then told her not to come back. I don't know this lady, but I feel bad for her. I envision her having to debate the owner in front of other thin clients. This makes me sad, but it seems that being embarrassed is just another part of being Fat these days. Sigh.Monday, August 23, 2010
The Situation
I just heard on some tv show that The Jersey Shore's The Situation is slated to make 5 Million dollars by next year. Why do I try in life? Why did I get an education?!
Written All Over My Face
When it comes to describing the past month of my life, I don't know which word to use: dramatic or traumatic.
My grandmother used to tell me when I was a kid that I was a drama queen, that I made things seem worst than they really are. So for a split second, I thought that maybe this has been the case of late. So what if I am technically homeless. I still have my health and I'm not dead, right?
This is what I told myself as I laid down to sleep on the floor of the motel that my family is currently staying at. And I have to say I even felt refreshed as I got up to go to the bathroom. Then I looked in the mirror.
MY FACE LOOKS LIKE A PIZZA!
I swear to you that I almost screamed. My face is soooo broken out! Not to toot my own horn but toot! I usually have good skin. The few instances that my skin has ever looked this bad has been when I was really stressed.
I remember having Pizza Face in the second grade when taking my ITBS Test. You know, that whack placement test they give you in elementary school that more so grades the teachers than your abilities. That doesn't stop the teachers from pressuring you to tears to pass. And of course, I had Pizza Face right before I went to Xavier. Ah, when I had little non-problem problems.
So back to my face. It looks horrible. And on top of that, I have lost my Afro pick and my hair feels like a rug. I do not look cute. I need to get myself together ya'll.
My grandmother used to tell me when I was a kid that I was a drama queen, that I made things seem worst than they really are. So for a split second, I thought that maybe this has been the case of late. So what if I am technically homeless. I still have my health and I'm not dead, right?
This is what I told myself as I laid down to sleep on the floor of the motel that my family is currently staying at. And I have to say I even felt refreshed as I got up to go to the bathroom. Then I looked in the mirror.
MY FACE LOOKS LIKE A PIZZA!
I swear to you that I almost screamed. My face is soooo broken out! Not to toot my own horn but toot! I usually have good skin. The few instances that my skin has ever looked this bad has been when I was really stressed.
I remember having Pizza Face in the second grade when taking my ITBS Test. You know, that whack placement test they give you in elementary school that more so grades the teachers than your abilities. That doesn't stop the teachers from pressuring you to tears to pass. And of course, I had Pizza Face right before I went to Xavier. Ah, when I had little non-problem problems.
So back to my face. It looks horrible. And on top of that, I have lost my Afro pick and my hair feels like a rug. I do not look cute. I need to get myself together ya'll.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Love Hype
There was once a time when I had all this criterion for the type of man that I wanted. He had to be this and that and had to have this and that. P used to jokingly tell me all that was cool, but I would probably end up losing my virginity to a mechanic on a couch. Sadly enough, this may be true.
Here is the thing: I am lonely. And being lonely is a great eye-opener. You realize that all the things you thought you wanted and that you thought mattered don't, and all you really want is someone genuine and nice and clean to love you.
A female friend of mine recently came out of the closet, and some of our friends aren't taking it too well. I think she is happy because she is now honest with herself, but not so happy with how some of her friends feel and the fact that she hasn't told some of her fam.
My only advice to her was to do her. Seems simple, but is the greatest advice I could think of. She has a really great girlfriend and love is so hard to find, why drop it bc certain folks don't agree? You could dump your lady and live how everyone wants you to, and be majorly unhappy, and your disagreeing friends won't have time to listen to you cry because they will be out enjoying their own happiness.
She appreciated this advice, and I appreciated that fact that I could be honest enough to give it to her instead of falling into the traditional nod and smile friend role.
My lesson of the month: don't sweat the little things. If you find love, keep it in your pocket and never let it go. Hopefully, I can remember this when the right dude crosses my path, even if he doesn't look like Drake and is shorter than me.
Here is the thing: I am lonely. And being lonely is a great eye-opener. You realize that all the things you thought you wanted and that you thought mattered don't, and all you really want is someone genuine and nice and clean to love you.
A female friend of mine recently came out of the closet, and some of our friends aren't taking it too well. I think she is happy because she is now honest with herself, but not so happy with how some of her friends feel and the fact that she hasn't told some of her fam.
My only advice to her was to do her. Seems simple, but is the greatest advice I could think of. She has a really great girlfriend and love is so hard to find, why drop it bc certain folks don't agree? You could dump your lady and live how everyone wants you to, and be majorly unhappy, and your disagreeing friends won't have time to listen to you cry because they will be out enjoying their own happiness.
She appreciated this advice, and I appreciated that fact that I could be honest enough to give it to her instead of falling into the traditional nod and smile friend role.
My lesson of the month: don't sweat the little things. If you find love, keep it in your pocket and never let it go. Hopefully, I can remember this when the right dude crosses my path, even if he doesn't look like Drake and is shorter than me.
Fine Guys
When I was hanging out with Tasia yesterday, she informed me that she is so happy that there are so many fine guys in Atlanta. And I was like, "Where?"
She has found the secret. We have been hanging at the wrong places. Tired of clubs, we transitioned to lounges and tapas bars. But the dudes there usually have girlfriends or are so metrosexual there is a GREAT chance that they are homosexual. After going to some art shows and a few album release parties, she has found that the hotties lie now in the hipster crowd, Atlanta's Black art elite.
I can not help but roll my eyes because I have seen these dudes before. Yes, they are handsome, but they are wearing those DREADED man skinny jeans and have paint underneath their fingertips. I have to wonder if they are really artists or if they dipped their fingers in paint so that the ladies would think they are. They take themselves seriously, too seriously, and all their opinions on Black America are taken straight from Tavis Smiley speeches.
Maybe I am growing up, but I don't care how a dude looks that much anymore. I would prefer him to be conscious. Awake. Aware. Not faux-conscious because they have all the Common CDs but conscious, meaning they care about stuff.
Sigh. I have pretty much grown up in Atlanta, and I did not want to burst Tasia's bubble, but I think that those characteristics may be a wee too much to ask for out of a Georgia boy. I could be wrong, but I'm not.
She has found the secret. We have been hanging at the wrong places. Tired of clubs, we transitioned to lounges and tapas bars. But the dudes there usually have girlfriends or are so metrosexual there is a GREAT chance that they are homosexual. After going to some art shows and a few album release parties, she has found that the hotties lie now in the hipster crowd, Atlanta's Black art elite.
I can not help but roll my eyes because I have seen these dudes before. Yes, they are handsome, but they are wearing those DREADED man skinny jeans and have paint underneath their fingertips. I have to wonder if they are really artists or if they dipped their fingers in paint so that the ladies would think they are. They take themselves seriously, too seriously, and all their opinions on Black America are taken straight from Tavis Smiley speeches.
Maybe I am growing up, but I don't care how a dude looks that much anymore. I would prefer him to be conscious. Awake. Aware. Not faux-conscious because they have all the Common CDs but conscious, meaning they care about stuff.
Sigh. I have pretty much grown up in Atlanta, and I did not want to burst Tasia's bubble, but I think that those characteristics may be a wee too much to ask for out of a Georgia boy. I could be wrong, but I'm not.
Mental Crush
I find that when I am in a not so desirable place in my life, I develop crushes to take my mind off of my crap. Seeing that I am no longer in college and don't know very many men, you would think that this is hard for me. Wrong! I just dig in my undergraduate memory banks and find one.
So who is my new mental crush? A boy I could not stand from college that I have not spoken to in three years. I don't even think he is one of my Facebook buddies, and surprise surprise, he is like one of Ps best friends.
I could not stand this guy. He was so macho, it was suffocating. But he was very good looking. Very. Classically handsome, but this was usually clouded by his miserable attitude towards women.
So now, this dude that I pretty much do not know is popping up in my thoughts and fantasies. I need a new crush, preferable one that is tangible.
So who is my new mental crush? A boy I could not stand from college that I have not spoken to in three years. I don't even think he is one of my Facebook buddies, and surprise surprise, he is like one of Ps best friends.
I could not stand this guy. He was so macho, it was suffocating. But he was very good looking. Very. Classically handsome, but this was usually clouded by his miserable attitude towards women.
So now, this dude that I pretty much do not know is popping up in my thoughts and fantasies. I need a new crush, preferable one that is tangible.
Taco Mac Talk
Yesterday I took the train north to hang with my homies Dev and Latasia. I had not seen Dev in so long. We went to Taco Mac and I got the appetizer nachos that were HUGE, but forgot to ask for no jalapenos. I feel like they had to have put a hundred on there. I spent most of my meal pealing them out of the cheese.
It was a nice, light, carefree day with carefree convo which reminded me I am young, a well-needed reminder. We talk abo t young woman stuff like magazines and boys. Good times. There is talk of plans for a slumber party in the works. I am always down for a sleepover!
It was a nice, light, carefree day with carefree convo which reminded me I am young, a well-needed reminder. We talk abo t young woman stuff like magazines and boys. Good times. There is talk of plans for a slumber party in the works. I am always down for a sleepover!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Brownie and the Beau
Brownie has a girlfriend now, so I don't get to talk him all the time anymore. I called him the other night and his phone was just off- straight to voicemail. He was probably fuckin'. Sigh. Moan. Eyeroll. But don't get it mistaken. I'm not hatin'. Just miss him.
The Inception Effect
I know that this is going to seem weird, but I feel like my dreams have been more vivid ever since I saw Inception. Unfortunately, they have been about he who shall not be named.
As I informed you recently, Facebook informed me that he is now in a relationship. So last night I dreamed, clear as day, that he sent me a text telling me that he was, in fact, in a relationship with some girl and was sad that he couldn't talk to me about it- that he missed me as a friend and blah, blah, blah.
I woke up feeling good for a split second before I realized that it was all a dream. I looked through my texts. No message. Not that he could send me one anyway. I put his number on my reject list, yet I can't think of anyone else that I am more eager to hear from.
Can I just say that I am so embarrassed that my thinking and my emotions and my life and my everything is being so affected by not only a boy I was never in a relationship with, but by a boy that so clearly and evidently doesn't give a shit!
I remember being half as broken up as I am now my freshman year of high school when my gay boyfriend came out of the closet and dropped me. Although traumatic, I can laugh at it now. I wish I could go back to 1999 and ask that Holly, the Holly that had cornrows and listened to Korn, how I got over it. Maybe I am just too far gone, but I can't envision me laughing about P. But on the bright side, at least he is still my friend in my dreams.
As I informed you recently, Facebook informed me that he is now in a relationship. So last night I dreamed, clear as day, that he sent me a text telling me that he was, in fact, in a relationship with some girl and was sad that he couldn't talk to me about it- that he missed me as a friend and blah, blah, blah.
I woke up feeling good for a split second before I realized that it was all a dream. I looked through my texts. No message. Not that he could send me one anyway. I put his number on my reject list, yet I can't think of anyone else that I am more eager to hear from.
Can I just say that I am so embarrassed that my thinking and my emotions and my life and my everything is being so affected by not only a boy I was never in a relationship with, but by a boy that so clearly and evidently doesn't give a shit!
I remember being half as broken up as I am now my freshman year of high school when my gay boyfriend came out of the closet and dropped me. Although traumatic, I can laugh at it now. I wish I could go back to 1999 and ask that Holly, the Holly that had cornrows and listened to Korn, how I got over it. Maybe I am just too far gone, but I can't envision me laughing about P. But on the bright side, at least he is still my friend in my dreams.
Dress Up
I haven't been feeling so happy lately, so I decided to dress up really cute, all to sit in front of my computer all day.
I got a text from Curious yesterday, which is weird. I hadn't heard from him in so long I thought that he pulled a P and just detached himself from the train wreck. However, he has been working overtime and texted me just to let me know that he has been working and that he misses me. I am still not sure how I feel about him but he is nice, and it is nice to be missed.
A good friend of me and Dorothy's is getting married in December. It is one of the few marriages of my young buddies that I feel may last. So I ask Dorothy how she figured our friend knew her fiance was the one and not just a dude she was in love with for the time being. If I married every man I thought I was in love with from 16 up, I would have so many rocks on my fingers you would think I was Zsa Zsa Gabor! But Dorothy cleared up my thinking. She informed me that I have it all wrong. That there is no "one." You just work on a guy that is nice until you can see yourself with them forever and then get hitched. Create a man you can tolerate- don't waste time with fantasies.
With that being said, maybe my "one" is more like Curious and less like Drake.
I got a text from Curious yesterday, which is weird. I hadn't heard from him in so long I thought that he pulled a P and just detached himself from the train wreck. However, he has been working overtime and texted me just to let me know that he has been working and that he misses me. I am still not sure how I feel about him but he is nice, and it is nice to be missed.
A good friend of me and Dorothy's is getting married in December. It is one of the few marriages of my young buddies that I feel may last. So I ask Dorothy how she figured our friend knew her fiance was the one and not just a dude she was in love with for the time being. If I married every man I thought I was in love with from 16 up, I would have so many rocks on my fingers you would think I was Zsa Zsa Gabor! But Dorothy cleared up my thinking. She informed me that I have it all wrong. That there is no "one." You just work on a guy that is nice until you can see yourself with them forever and then get hitched. Create a man you can tolerate- don't waste time with fantasies.
With that being said, maybe my "one" is more like Curious and less like Drake.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Ugh
I got my closet together last night, so now I feel like there is an ounce of rhyme and reason in my life. Now all that is left is getting a bed. Sleeping on the floor has me so swollen that my ankles look like cinder blocks and my feet look like footballs.
Yesterday my roommate accused me of leaving the door unlocked when I didn't. This came on the heels of a verbal listing of house rules and regulations. My key broke in the lock, now I have to buy a new one. I was also accused, via text, that I am not considering the safety of everyone in the house and that I am not clean because I accidentally left a piece of orange peel on the floor. I'm not sure if one of my roomies is a sleepwalker or in some type of marijuana-induced haze. She wanders around the house at night aimlessly as I watch from my door.
This is going to be very...different.
Yesterday my roommate accused me of leaving the door unlocked when I didn't. This came on the heels of a verbal listing of house rules and regulations. My key broke in the lock, now I have to buy a new one. I was also accused, via text, that I am not considering the safety of everyone in the house and that I am not clean because I accidentally left a piece of orange peel on the floor. I'm not sure if one of my roomies is a sleepwalker or in some type of marijuana-induced haze. She wanders around the house at night aimlessly as I watch from my door.
This is going to be very...different.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Jesus Piece
Do you remember me telling you guys that I was getting back on the God wagon? I'm not going to go into detail, but I will say that I have somewhat fallen off the wagon and plummetted to the ground.
Why? I guess I am just annoyed. I know that I should pray and all, but I also know that God knows what I need, and I am kind of peeved that I have to go to him when he can see that my life is in the shitter. And no, I don't think that he has forgotten about me. His love for me is clear. But my family has been evicted. They are living in an extended day motel. My mom has been unemployed for two years. My brother is in college and consistently a thousand dollars away from having to come home. On top of this, my face is breaking out. All I want to know is...WHEN IS HE GOING TO STEP IN ALREADY??? I guess I have to pray about it.
Why? I guess I am just annoyed. I know that I should pray and all, but I also know that God knows what I need, and I am kind of peeved that I have to go to him when he can see that my life is in the shitter. And no, I don't think that he has forgotten about me. His love for me is clear. But my family has been evicted. They are living in an extended day motel. My mom has been unemployed for two years. My brother is in college and consistently a thousand dollars away from having to come home. On top of this, my face is breaking out. All I want to know is...WHEN IS HE GOING TO STEP IN ALREADY??? I guess I have to pray about it.
Words From Haynes
Since my grandma has Alzheimer's and this past month has been really trying, I had to call the next best next thing...my bestest homie Haynes. She has an old spirit and a way of making things seem like they aren't so bad.
So I told her everything, and her primary piece of advice was to not think of anything that is going on in my life right now as permanent; that I can get out of my situation. This was good to hear, seeing that for the past three years I have been in a rut. Well, a cross between a rut and quicksand. So, seeing that I am now living on my own with little to no money, I have to try to grudge the bottom of my gut to find the drive I had when I first graduated to either find an additional good job or go to grad school. Thinking about it makes me want to crawl under the bed and cry, but seeing myself as 30 in this same stink makes me want to die. I guess you have to choose the lesser of the two evils.
So I told her everything, and her primary piece of advice was to not think of anything that is going on in my life right now as permanent; that I can get out of my situation. This was good to hear, seeing that for the past three years I have been in a rut. Well, a cross between a rut and quicksand. So, seeing that I am now living on my own with little to no money, I have to try to grudge the bottom of my gut to find the drive I had when I first graduated to either find an additional good job or go to grad school. Thinking about it makes me want to crawl under the bed and cry, but seeing myself as 30 in this same stink makes me want to die. I guess you have to choose the lesser of the two evils.
First Night
Today I woke up at my new place, where I am rooming with a friend, and sighed. I felt thankful to have somewhere to live, but odd. The house isn't mine. The room isn't really mine. I thought that I would feel different now that I am all moved in, but I don't. I still feel homeless. Maybe when I get my room all arranged...but I doubt it. I hate this feeling of being in limbo! But the thing is, I don't think that I would feel any different if I had my own place. I seem to only feel complete around my family (my mom and aunt and siblings that is, not uncle asshole and the crew), even though I have spent the past three years since graduation trying to escape them. Sigh.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Weird Roomie
So I am moving in with my friend Connie. We have been besties since our middle school orchestra years. She has a house and I am going to rent a room.
Anywho, she has some other random chica living there. When my brother and I were moving in, we were welcomed to her, pants unzipped, rolling her "medication" on the kitchen table. Yikes. I will let you know how this plays out.
Anywho, she has some other random chica living there. When my brother and I were moving in, we were welcomed to her, pants unzipped, rolling her "medication" on the kitchen table. Yikes. I will let you know how this plays out.
Relatioship Status
He who shall not be named is in a relationship. Thanks Facebook! I could have gone forever without knowing that. Since there is a status change, I am assuming that it will only be a matter of time before the vacation and dinner pics bombard my news feed! Ugh! I miss him. And yes, I am aware that I am stupid.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Sweet Tooth
I think that I may have to start going to the library again to bum the Internet, for I have been coming to Borders the past few days and I can't handle the delicious goodies they have at the coffee shop! This is a bookstore! I should be safe from sweets! I won't even tell you what I just inhaled over here. You would be disgusted and disappointed, especially since I am supposed to be off dairy. True, the people at the bookstore are considerable more normal than those at the library, but I can't sacrifice my already enormous waistline for this!
Going Digital
At the Border's in my neighborhood, there are boxes and boxes and boxes of books for a buck. A. Buck. Apparently, people are slowly buying those digital book readers, so no one wants a real book anymore. There is something very sad about this. Even if I could have when I was a child, I would not have wanted to read my Goosebumps books on something the equivalent of a Casio Dream Diary! Again, how sad.
Love Sprung
It is so amazing to me that my family and my life right about now is in the toilet and all I can think about is love. How much easier and better everything would be if I had love or loved someone or something! Where is my love and when is it coming? These are things that cloud my mind as I face devastation. Sigh.
Uncle Asshole
After a ten minute convo with my uncle the other day I came to a conclusion: he is an asshole.
I called him because I saw that his employer was hiring, and seeing that he is pretty high up in this company and I need a part-time job, I wanted him to give me a recommendation. It would have been super if he could have gotten me an interview. What a joke.
Background on this uncle: he is my mom's brother, but did not live near me when I was growing up. Spending 110% of my time with my grandma, listening to her talk about her children, I get the feeling that he was my granny's favorite, which is why it is so surprising that he is such a self-important prick.
Basically, he calls me and tells me that he can not oblige. His name is big with this company, and he didn't need me coming in and embarrassing him. Mind you, he has a corporate position and I would have been a PT administrative assistant. He said he could not do it if he wanted to, which is a lie. He said he feared I would blow up at my managers if I made a mistake, which is a lie. He pretty much thinks that I am this drunken loud party girl which is again, a LIE! I would love to tell you how he formed this opinion, seeing that I have only been around him a hand full of times, but I can't. After replaying our convo in my mind where he insulted my personality and work ethic, all I have came up with is that he is an asshole. Plain and simple.
I guess it's true: no one can stunt your growth like family.
I called him because I saw that his employer was hiring, and seeing that he is pretty high up in this company and I need a part-time job, I wanted him to give me a recommendation. It would have been super if he could have gotten me an interview. What a joke.
Background on this uncle: he is my mom's brother, but did not live near me when I was growing up. Spending 110% of my time with my grandma, listening to her talk about her children, I get the feeling that he was my granny's favorite, which is why it is so surprising that he is such a self-important prick.
Basically, he calls me and tells me that he can not oblige. His name is big with this company, and he didn't need me coming in and embarrassing him. Mind you, he has a corporate position and I would have been a PT administrative assistant. He said he could not do it if he wanted to, which is a lie. He said he feared I would blow up at my managers if I made a mistake, which is a lie. He pretty much thinks that I am this drunken loud party girl which is again, a LIE! I would love to tell you how he formed this opinion, seeing that I have only been around him a hand full of times, but I can't. After replaying our convo in my mind where he insulted my personality and work ethic, all I have came up with is that he is an asshole. Plain and simple.
I guess it's true: no one can stunt your growth like family.
Fair Weather
People can only deal with their own shit. This is just truth. And if you come to them with some outside shit, whether you need help with it or need to drop it off, they will shut down on you like an old car.
What am I referring to: some of my friends and my shit. And yes, I have tons. And over the years, I thought that most of my shit was big, like not knowing whether or not to go to grad school and not being able to find work. But I see now, next to my family facing uncertainties, that shit was relatively small.
So the issue? I filled my friends up with the small shit, with the endless whining and complaining, and now they don't have the time, the energy, or the desire to lend their ears to my new shit which, if I may so so, is pretty dire!
But maybe it is just me being a good friend, but I always have time for a buddy. Even now, when I am knee-high in my room in boxes and luggage, I will answer the phone for a buddy that needs advice on a crush.
But that's life I suppose- it's uneven. All I can do right about now is wish myself luck.
What am I referring to: some of my friends and my shit. And yes, I have tons. And over the years, I thought that most of my shit was big, like not knowing whether or not to go to grad school and not being able to find work. But I see now, next to my family facing uncertainties, that shit was relatively small.
So the issue? I filled my friends up with the small shit, with the endless whining and complaining, and now they don't have the time, the energy, or the desire to lend their ears to my new shit which, if I may so so, is pretty dire!
But maybe it is just me being a good friend, but I always have time for a buddy. Even now, when I am knee-high in my room in boxes and luggage, I will answer the phone for a buddy that needs advice on a crush.
But that's life I suppose- it's uneven. All I can do right about now is wish myself luck.
Packing
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times at Clay Manner.
Pretty much, we have to pack and move and no one feels like doing it. No one! We just have so much stuff- things from my grandma's old house that we have been storing since she went into the home, stuff my brother didn't want to take to college, stuff we have not used in ages. Stuff, stuff, stuff! The fact that we only have until Monday to move has everyone fatigued and sluggish. It's a mess.
Then there is the feeling that none of us can shake, this feeling that we are tight roping and could fall at any second. I feel that I never felt this way before because my Grandma was my safety net...before she lost her mind.
So this weekend is going to be full of looking for the tape loading up the car and no, I am not excited.
Pretty much, we have to pack and move and no one feels like doing it. No one! We just have so much stuff- things from my grandma's old house that we have been storing since she went into the home, stuff my brother didn't want to take to college, stuff we have not used in ages. Stuff, stuff, stuff! The fact that we only have until Monday to move has everyone fatigued and sluggish. It's a mess.
Then there is the feeling that none of us can shake, this feeling that we are tight roping and could fall at any second. I feel that I never felt this way before because my Grandma was my safety net...before she lost her mind.
So this weekend is going to be full of looking for the tape loading up the car and no, I am not excited.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Viva La WiFi!!
Am I the only one noticing how many businesses are now offering FREE wifi? See, it is little things like this that are showing me that this country is moving in the right direction! The McDonald's in my neighborhood has free wifi, the Popeye's in Augusta I dined at when taking my brother back to school had free wifi, and the Border's I sit at now has it as well. Why, it was not even last year when they were trying to get patrons to buy a day pass to use the internet here!
Could this be my dream? Could the government finally be seeing wifi as a basic need? I mean, you can't even fill out a job application to be a grocery store bagger without going online! One day, I hope to see free wifi on the same list as air and libraries. If we could get water to be free (and clean), marijuana legal, and people to unsecure their internet connections...I can't go on. The idea of an America with that type of freedom is overstimulating.
Could this be my dream? Could the government finally be seeing wifi as a basic need? I mean, you can't even fill out a job application to be a grocery store bagger without going online! One day, I hope to see free wifi on the same list as air and libraries. If we could get water to be free (and clean), marijuana legal, and people to unsecure their internet connections...I can't go on. The idea of an America with that type of freedom is overstimulating.
Getting Over The Hump
If summer is the time for amore, than fall must be the time for recovery. I know that fall is not officially here, but it is August and right around the corner, and tons of my gal pals are finding themselves no longer love stoned and crashing into recovery mode.
My grandma used to say that everything has a season, but must it be fall? Fall when you already feel sad because the weather is changing and dreary outside and the sweaters and gloves you need aren't on sale yet. Winter would even be better because I would be preoccupied with planning my birthday party and Christmas shopping- there would literally be no time to mourn!
I listen to my friends talk about their emotions, and I feel like the emotions elder, seeing that P stuck a knife in my summer happy with his ish. I am here to tell you, nothing is worse than trying to get over someone in the summer because your attitude is all messed up when there is so much fun stuff to get into!
Let's face it: there is never a good time to get your heart broken and have to fix it. All you can ask for, whether sunny or cloudy day, is the energy to get over the hump and on to the next good thing. Sigh.
My grandma used to say that everything has a season, but must it be fall? Fall when you already feel sad because the weather is changing and dreary outside and the sweaters and gloves you need aren't on sale yet. Winter would even be better because I would be preoccupied with planning my birthday party and Christmas shopping- there would literally be no time to mourn!
I listen to my friends talk about their emotions, and I feel like the emotions elder, seeing that P stuck a knife in my summer happy with his ish. I am here to tell you, nothing is worse than trying to get over someone in the summer because your attitude is all messed up when there is so much fun stuff to get into!
Let's face it: there is never a good time to get your heart broken and have to fix it. All you can ask for, whether sunny or cloudy day, is the energy to get over the hump and on to the next good thing. Sigh.
No Mas Milk
I saw a documentary the other night that was so good that I feel like I have to share. I was on Link TV, an independent news station, and the doc itself was called The Corporation.
Now, I don't think that this doc is new, but I learned a lot about what exactly a corporation is and how, because of this definition, they get away with a lot of stuff.
The doc touched on everything from sweatshop labor to the deadly effects of chemicals and yes, even milk.
As I sit here at the Borders in the mall this morning, I shake my head, licking the whipped cream off of the straw that was in my chocolate coffee thingy. I have to say, I have never been one to drink milk straight, but I LOVE dairy products. Yogurt, ice cream, butter, and please, don't mention cheese. If you cut open one of my arteries, you would probably find a block of Kraft American! But, thanks to me becoming informed, I have to say no mas to milk.
Basically, farmers were putting this drug in cows that was supposed to speed up milk production when they WEREN'T supposed to. They were even going on the record saying they weren't...when they were. Anyway, this drug (and forgive me for not remembering the name) causes horrible pain for the cows, and causes their milking thingies to swell and get infected. Thus, when the farmers milk the cows, puss leaks out with the milk, thus there is probably puss in your milk and in your dairy products.
The effects on humans isn't cool. Amongst other things, this drug in the milk makes it so your body doesn't respond to the medications usually prescribed to fight staph infections, creating a med-resistant staph, causing deaths.
Sigh. Very rarely do I see docs that change my mind about anything, but this one did the job, especially when they showed the cow's super swollen nether regions. So when you get a chance, watch it for yourself. There are tons of professional sources, such as Michael Moore and Naomi Klein.
As I lick this cream cheese off my plastic knife, I feel emotional. My love affair with dairy, although sweet and long-lasting, must come to an end.
Now, I don't think that this doc is new, but I learned a lot about what exactly a corporation is and how, because of this definition, they get away with a lot of stuff.
The doc touched on everything from sweatshop labor to the deadly effects of chemicals and yes, even milk.
As I sit here at the Borders in the mall this morning, I shake my head, licking the whipped cream off of the straw that was in my chocolate coffee thingy. I have to say, I have never been one to drink milk straight, but I LOVE dairy products. Yogurt, ice cream, butter, and please, don't mention cheese. If you cut open one of my arteries, you would probably find a block of Kraft American! But, thanks to me becoming informed, I have to say no mas to milk.
Basically, farmers were putting this drug in cows that was supposed to speed up milk production when they WEREN'T supposed to. They were even going on the record saying they weren't...when they were. Anyway, this drug (and forgive me for not remembering the name) causes horrible pain for the cows, and causes their milking thingies to swell and get infected. Thus, when the farmers milk the cows, puss leaks out with the milk, thus there is probably puss in your milk and in your dairy products.
The effects on humans isn't cool. Amongst other things, this drug in the milk makes it so your body doesn't respond to the medications usually prescribed to fight staph infections, creating a med-resistant staph, causing deaths.
Sigh. Very rarely do I see docs that change my mind about anything, but this one did the job, especially when they showed the cow's super swollen nether regions. So when you get a chance, watch it for yourself. There are tons of professional sources, such as Michael Moore and Naomi Klein.
As I lick this cream cheese off my plastic knife, I feel emotional. My love affair with dairy, although sweet and long-lasting, must come to an end.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Brownie and the Nuva Ring
There is some 18-year-old that likes Brownie, and of course, he entertains her for no other reason than the fact that he is an attention sponge. He doesn't have intentions of dating or sleeping with this girl, but Brownie is the king of phone caking. So, that's what they do.
And boy, does she love to talk. I am officially naming telling too much of your business to people who don't need to know or ask for it a symptom of being young. The other day, she found it important tell Brownie that she wears a Nuva Ring. What was even more shocking than her spilling these beans was Brownie's reaction.
"Why would she tell me that?" he asked. All I could do was laugh. "Doesn't she know that that means that she let's niggas go up in her raw?"
I stop laughing."That's not what that means!"
"Yes it does. Who do you know that uses birth control and condoms?"
"Tons of people." But I have to say, I wasn't sure. I know that birth control only prevents pregnancy, not STIs, so you would need to use both right? I mean, that's common sense, but that doesn't mean that people follow that, for as Brownie so eloquently put it, "People don't be doublin' up like that."
And boy, does she love to talk. I am officially naming telling too much of your business to people who don't need to know or ask for it a symptom of being young. The other day, she found it important tell Brownie that she wears a Nuva Ring. What was even more shocking than her spilling these beans was Brownie's reaction.
"Why would she tell me that?" he asked. All I could do was laugh. "Doesn't she know that that means that she let's niggas go up in her raw?"
I stop laughing."That's not what that means!"
"Yes it does. Who do you know that uses birth control and condoms?"
"Tons of people." But I have to say, I wasn't sure. I know that birth control only prevents pregnancy, not STIs, so you would need to use both right? I mean, that's common sense, but that doesn't mean that people follow that, for as Brownie so eloquently put it, "People don't be doublin' up like that."
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Moving on Out
Due to a very unfortunate swirl of events, I am moving out of the house I live in with my family and moving in with my friend Connie. And I know that I should be excited. This is my first real adult world roomie! But on the same hand, I am totally scared. I will very much so miss my family. Their craziness is what keeps me...I'm not sure what it keeps me, but it is very much a big part of my life.
I am starting to detach from my room, which is painful, because you all should know by now how hard it is for me to detach from things. I'm not going to lie, I've cried about it. I have to start packing soon too. Man, if this was a scene on The Real World, I imagine that the background song would be "No Air" by Jordan Sparks and Chris Brown as I longingly look at my family from the front seat of the moving van.
I am starting to detach from my room, which is painful, because you all should know by now how hard it is for me to detach from things. I'm not going to lie, I've cried about it. I have to start packing soon too. Man, if this was a scene on The Real World, I imagine that the background song would be "No Air" by Jordan Sparks and Chris Brown as I longingly look at my family from the front seat of the moving van.
Legally Not So Legal
My current financial situation has me wondering: just how legal is it to be an independent escort? And what exactly is the difference between an independent escort and a prostitute? And does all this revolve around sex, because I don't want to have sex. And maybe this is just me feeling myself, but I would totally pay to hang out with me if I was a man. I am fun and entertaining. Guys, there is literally not a dull moment in my presence! I feel like that should be at least worth $20.
A random white man I met at a coffee shop told me that the difference is that escorts aren't expected to have sex and they get a bodyguard. However, if they do decide to have sex, that's cool. That's not included in the money paid for the date. That's just what she wanted to do. A prostitute is solely expected to have sex. There is no dinner and a movie in her crystal ball, just a night at a sleazy motel.
But my question is this: if I am on the corner, looking for Johns and I am a prostitute, how does a cop know that I'm not just an independent escort, waiting outside the Fox Theater to advertise, like when party promoters give out fliers?
Fran is for it. I believe her exact words were, "This could be a lucrative entrepreneurial venture for yourself." However, that is not saying much. Fran co-signs all my craziness.
More on this story as it develops.
A random white man I met at a coffee shop told me that the difference is that escorts aren't expected to have sex and they get a bodyguard. However, if they do decide to have sex, that's cool. That's not included in the money paid for the date. That's just what she wanted to do. A prostitute is solely expected to have sex. There is no dinner and a movie in her crystal ball, just a night at a sleazy motel.
But my question is this: if I am on the corner, looking for Johns and I am a prostitute, how does a cop know that I'm not just an independent escort, waiting outside the Fox Theater to advertise, like when party promoters give out fliers?
Fran is for it. I believe her exact words were, "This could be a lucrative entrepreneurial venture for yourself." However, that is not saying much. Fran co-signs all my craziness.
More on this story as it develops.
The 25 Year Itch
I made this pretty dynamic friend at the gym. It's funny, because I don't remember her name. But she is pretty amazing. She has twice the endurance of everyone in our yoga class, even though she has a LITERAL peg leg!
Anyway, she asked me how old I am, and I told her I am 25 and she goes, "These years are the time of your life."
Question: If these years are the time of my life than why am I CONSISTENTLY worried, confused, generally not at ease, and overall overwhelmingly concerned about everything?! Everything.
No matter how hard I plan or how strategic I try to place my steps, I always feel like I am walking a tightrope- one false move, and I can end up plummeting head first into homelessness, bankruptcy, unemployment, etc. If these are the best of times friends, then what will the worst be like?
Anyway, she asked me how old I am, and I told her I am 25 and she goes, "These years are the time of your life."
Question: If these years are the time of my life than why am I CONSISTENTLY worried, confused, generally not at ease, and overall overwhelmingly concerned about everything?! Everything.
No matter how hard I plan or how strategic I try to place my steps, I always feel like I am walking a tightrope- one false move, and I can end up plummeting head first into homelessness, bankruptcy, unemployment, etc. If these are the best of times friends, then what will the worst be like?
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