I woke up and realized that I have not prayed in a really long time. That could have a little something to do with why I feel like I am just being kicked through life. Not a good feeling. I pretty much feel like anything can happen, more so bad than good. At any moment, I am prepared to get the bit of bad news that will drive me to the cry of the century.
I wish I was six again. I felt so connected to God. When I prayed, I really feel like someone was listening. Now, I look at my situation and my bank accounts and don't feel a need to pray, because it is obvious that there is no connection- that there is no one there. And this is pretty shitty, because I have ALWAYS felt like God had my back.
Even in high school, I used to feel like God would whisper little warnings in my ear like be careful, don't eat that, be cool. Now, I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't.
The Taji and Connie situation is just one example of how jealous and nitpicky I am becoming. Again, another little character trait (besides consistent crying and bitterness) that I attribute to distancing myself from Him.
Today I will meditate. I have got to get this relationship back on course. Feeling Godless is a whole other level of lonely I would prefer not to stay in.
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