Sunday, October 31, 2010
Nightmares
I had a dream that I came home and Connie and Taji were sitting at the kitchen table. They call me in the kitchen and they are all hugged up and I am like, "What's Up?" and they were all like, "Taji's moving in! We are kicking out Cinnamon!" and I was like, "Why?!" And Taji goes, "I need the extra room to use as my closet, you know?" And I just started screaming. I woke and saw that I had been kicking so hard in my sleep that I was knocking stuff over. Interpret the dream as you wish.
Checkers and a Movie
Last night I went to see Saw 3D with boy I went on date with. But I'm hesitant to say that this was a date. I don't know, didn't feel like one, but it was DRASTICALLY more comfortable than the actual date we went on.
Any who, we went to see Saw 3D. To be honest, I stopped keeping up with Saw after the second one, so to come in at 7 was interesting. I will say this, boy was really excited when someone got a limb chopped, and I was annoyed that I payed 12 bucks to use those 3D glasses for there to only be one or two 3D tricks. But it was fun. I was totally happy to be getting out of the house.
Afterward, we went and got food and Checkers and came back to my house to eat. Totally PG. I laid my head on his chest and he went to sleep, but not me. He snores...terribly. He went home after like the third time I woke him up. All and all, a good night.
Any who, we went to see Saw 3D. To be honest, I stopped keeping up with Saw after the second one, so to come in at 7 was interesting. I will say this, boy was really excited when someone got a limb chopped, and I was annoyed that I payed 12 bucks to use those 3D glasses for there to only be one or two 3D tricks. But it was fun. I was totally happy to be getting out of the house.
Afterward, we went and got food and Checkers and came back to my house to eat. Totally PG. I laid my head on his chest and he went to sleep, but not me. He snores...terribly. He went home after like the third time I woke him up. All and all, a good night.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Occupational Hazard
Today Connie was off work, so we had lunch and went to Party City to look for Halloween costumes. I was shocked to see that it was packed in the place. I was under the impression that the Chrisitians had killed Halloween by now. They were trying hard to when I was a kid.
Any who, the place was packed wall-to-wall with young women looking for whore-ish outfits to wear to the club for the holiday and kids running around with masks on. Connie wants to be the devil, and found this really cute ear, tail, and pitch fork set. I want to be a witch, but, since my head and afro are so HUGE, I could not fit any of the hats.
This is just an occupational hazzard for the big girl. We often have to make our own costumes because there are rarely any available that fit us. So we either show up at the party in a one size fits all mask of some sort or get fed up and don't participate. Some curvies will SQUEEZE into what ever costume comes in an XL, usually the Dorthy-Wizzard of Oz dress. Bad choice.
As you all know, I have been fat forever. As a kid, my granny always put my outfits together because I was too fat for kid costumes and too young to go trick-or-treating as a sexy maid. So yes, I am hip to the Halloween game. So you can only imagine how heart-broken I was as I watched a plus-size teen girl, undoubtedly wanting to be cute for the Halloween dance, being lead to the fatty costume section, which consisted of a weird Pirate outfit and, of course, Dorothy. No Lady Gaga. No sexy cop. Not even a cat suit.
As I left, I saw her heading to the back of the store, the wall of shame, to try on a cheap, not-so-cute Mardi Gras mask. I'm sure she will make her outfit fly, but that doesn't mean being excluded from the Halloween sexiness, the sexiness all chicas looks forward to, sucks any less.
Any who, the place was packed wall-to-wall with young women looking for whore-ish outfits to wear to the club for the holiday and kids running around with masks on. Connie wants to be the devil, and found this really cute ear, tail, and pitch fork set. I want to be a witch, but, since my head and afro are so HUGE, I could not fit any of the hats.
This is just an occupational hazzard for the big girl. We often have to make our own costumes because there are rarely any available that fit us. So we either show up at the party in a one size fits all mask of some sort or get fed up and don't participate. Some curvies will SQUEEZE into what ever costume comes in an XL, usually the Dorthy-Wizzard of Oz dress. Bad choice.
As you all know, I have been fat forever. As a kid, my granny always put my outfits together because I was too fat for kid costumes and too young to go trick-or-treating as a sexy maid. So yes, I am hip to the Halloween game. So you can only imagine how heart-broken I was as I watched a plus-size teen girl, undoubtedly wanting to be cute for the Halloween dance, being lead to the fatty costume section, which consisted of a weird Pirate outfit and, of course, Dorothy. No Lady Gaga. No sexy cop. Not even a cat suit.
As I left, I saw her heading to the back of the store, the wall of shame, to try on a cheap, not-so-cute Mardi Gras mask. I'm sure she will make her outfit fly, but that doesn't mean being excluded from the Halloween sexiness, the sexiness all chicas looks forward to, sucks any less.
The Perks of Taj
Taji is here tonight, and I am OK.
You see, I recognize that I was being immature and a total hater. I was looking at his involvement with Connie all wrong. I was viewing it as becoming potentially intrusive. I now look at it as a vehicle to get things done.
Just now, Taji put up my mirror. The mirror that has been on the floor since I moved in because I was too lazy to put it up. And as I watched him screwing the nails into the wall, it dawned on me: this could be golden!
You see, right now, his relationship with Connie is really, really fresh. Opinions are still being formed. So he will do what I ask him to do, with a smile even, because he doesn't want to look like a dick in front of Connie. It's perfect!
For example, today I called him and he answered the phone. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal. But he was at work. Taji minus Connie would not have answered the phone and/ or sent me a blunt text about how he was at work. Not Tonnnie Taji. He answered and was, dare I say, pleasant.
But the window for this opportunity is small, so I need to get all I need done now before they do each other. Once that happens, the jig is up. She will be all attached, and my view of him will no longer matter. So I think I will get started on my list while the window is still open. I need to go to Wal-mart and to the bank.
And yes, I am aware that this is horrible and not nice and bad. I get it. But I am single and need to get stuff done and don't have a choice here. I really don't want to bring my groceries home from Wal-Mart on the bus!
You see, I recognize that I was being immature and a total hater. I was looking at his involvement with Connie all wrong. I was viewing it as becoming potentially intrusive. I now look at it as a vehicle to get things done.
Just now, Taji put up my mirror. The mirror that has been on the floor since I moved in because I was too lazy to put it up. And as I watched him screwing the nails into the wall, it dawned on me: this could be golden!
You see, right now, his relationship with Connie is really, really fresh. Opinions are still being formed. So he will do what I ask him to do, with a smile even, because he doesn't want to look like a dick in front of Connie. It's perfect!
For example, today I called him and he answered the phone. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal. But he was at work. Taji minus Connie would not have answered the phone and/ or sent me a blunt text about how he was at work. Not Tonnnie Taji. He answered and was, dare I say, pleasant.
But the window for this opportunity is small, so I need to get all I need done now before they do each other. Once that happens, the jig is up. She will be all attached, and my view of him will no longer matter. So I think I will get started on my list while the window is still open. I need to go to Wal-mart and to the bank.
And yes, I am aware that this is horrible and not nice and bad. I get it. But I am single and need to get stuff done and don't have a choice here. I really don't want to bring my groceries home from Wal-Mart on the bus!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Random Call
So, no later than a day after I was thinking about P, he called me early this morning.
We just talked about nothing, like we used to. It was nice.
And usually, I BS myself into believing that I don't feel anything for him, that I am over him, and that everything is roses. But, today I talked to him about his gf and his wanting to get married soon, and I didn't feel hurt. I wasn't mad. It was weird. For the first time ever, I really actually felt nothing.
Now, I don't know why I feel nothing. It could be because I have other boys to concentrate on. But let's just hope that this is real healing and not a farse. Fingers crossed.
We just talked about nothing, like we used to. It was nice.
And usually, I BS myself into believing that I don't feel anything for him, that I am over him, and that everything is roses. But, today I talked to him about his gf and his wanting to get married soon, and I didn't feel hurt. I wasn't mad. It was weird. For the first time ever, I really actually felt nothing.
Now, I don't know why I feel nothing. It could be because I have other boys to concentrate on. But let's just hope that this is real healing and not a farse. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Make-Out Make-Up
This morning I walked out of my room and Connie bum rushed me with a hug and kisses on my cheeks. She said she was sorry for the argument, that she was irritated and sick, and she is happy that I am cleaning up more. She has known me for 15 years, and doesn't want us to fight. I agreed. I don't like tension. So all is happy again at happiness house. Yay!
Hater by Blood, Not Relation
As you all know, I often wrestle with the unfortunate fact that I am a hater. But I realized that, much like my breath taking presence, being a hater is not my fault: it's hereditary.
My cousin Steph is engaged. She is gong to marry a guy that, I gotta be honest here, gets on my nerves. But he is a nice guy and he loves her and all that good stuff, so they have decided to tie the knot. I have to say that I was a little surprised to hear the news, seeing that my cousin just graduated grad school, but whatever. Mozeltoff right? Wrong.
When I went to Chicago, she showed me pics of her wedding dress and told me the scoop of where she thinks she is going to hold the wedding. I could not wait to go home and share the news with my family, but when I told them everything, I was met with hard faces.
"She isn't having the wedding at the church?" You see, my grandpa was a minister before he passed...WHEN WE WERE KIDS! Why would she have it there? They also were not too happy with the fact that they are going to move in together before they get married. I thought my Aunty Lara was joking when she asked if they were undergoing premarital counseling.
I sat there with my mouth open. When did they become such traditionalists?! My Aunty G is divorced. My mom has had FOUR kids out of wedlock, and my Aunty Lara is a case study of being a Black single cougar! I have known my family my whole life, and I really was not aware that we had such conservative views.
Then it dawned on me: they were hatin'! My 20 something year old cousin is getting married, and they are over 40 and single. So now I know the source of my problem. I have already admitted it myself. Hopefully now I can get the help I need to get over this sickness.
My cousin Steph is engaged. She is gong to marry a guy that, I gotta be honest here, gets on my nerves. But he is a nice guy and he loves her and all that good stuff, so they have decided to tie the knot. I have to say that I was a little surprised to hear the news, seeing that my cousin just graduated grad school, but whatever. Mozeltoff right? Wrong.
When I went to Chicago, she showed me pics of her wedding dress and told me the scoop of where she thinks she is going to hold the wedding. I could not wait to go home and share the news with my family, but when I told them everything, I was met with hard faces.
"She isn't having the wedding at the church?" You see, my grandpa was a minister before he passed...WHEN WE WERE KIDS! Why would she have it there? They also were not too happy with the fact that they are going to move in together before they get married. I thought my Aunty Lara was joking when she asked if they were undergoing premarital counseling.
I sat there with my mouth open. When did they become such traditionalists?! My Aunty G is divorced. My mom has had FOUR kids out of wedlock, and my Aunty Lara is a case study of being a Black single cougar! I have known my family my whole life, and I really was not aware that we had such conservative views.
Then it dawned on me: they were hatin'! My 20 something year old cousin is getting married, and they are over 40 and single. So now I know the source of my problem. I have already admitted it myself. Hopefully now I can get the help I need to get over this sickness.
P on the Brain
I woke up this morning thinking about P. Uh oh...
Don't tell Dorothy...or Fran...or any of my other close friends for that matter. Dorothy reminds me nearly every conversation to call ATT and get some type of parenting plan where his number is permanently blocked. And I can not hint at mentioning him to Fran without her blurting "I don't like him!" So I miss him in silence.
And I do miss him. I miss talking to him as frequently as I used to. Besides being a complete dick, he was really funny and got all my jokes. And yes, I know that it is best that we don't talk frequently. I'm just sayin'...I miss him a wee bit. That's all.
So today, I have to stay busy. If I don't, I will slip up and call him, and in the event that he does not answer, I will just be hurt and pissed off. So goal of the day: stay busy...and put my cell in my purse and put my purse in the other room. Just a precaution taken not to call him...but what will I do when I go in the kitchen to make my lunch?
Don't tell Dorothy...or Fran...or any of my other close friends for that matter. Dorothy reminds me nearly every conversation to call ATT and get some type of parenting plan where his number is permanently blocked. And I can not hint at mentioning him to Fran without her blurting "I don't like him!" So I miss him in silence.
And I do miss him. I miss talking to him as frequently as I used to. Besides being a complete dick, he was really funny and got all my jokes. And yes, I know that it is best that we don't talk frequently. I'm just sayin'...I miss him a wee bit. That's all.
So today, I have to stay busy. If I don't, I will slip up and call him, and in the event that he does not answer, I will just be hurt and pissed off. So goal of the day: stay busy...and put my cell in my purse and put my purse in the other room. Just a precaution taken not to call him...but what will I do when I go in the kitchen to make my lunch?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Farewell Faux Mega
I am erasing Faux Mega's number.
Why?
I don't like the way he makes me feel. I don't like that after I text him my whole world stops until he sends me one of his bogus one word replies. I don't like that he tells me one thing and then renigs. I don't like that he never has any time to hang. I don't like that I like him so much when I know that I am a fling, at most, to him, and I don't like that he is gorgeous and makes me want to have sex. So he has to go.
Don't rejoice too soon. I still have all his texts saved, so if I want to call him, I could. But lets just consider this a small step in getting my hormones under control.
Why?
I don't like the way he makes me feel. I don't like that after I text him my whole world stops until he sends me one of his bogus one word replies. I don't like that he tells me one thing and then renigs. I don't like that he never has any time to hang. I don't like that I like him so much when I know that I am a fling, at most, to him, and I don't like that he is gorgeous and makes me want to have sex. So he has to go.
Don't rejoice too soon. I still have all his texts saved, so if I want to call him, I could. But lets just consider this a small step in getting my hormones under control.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Crazy Talk
So yesterday Connie went off on me because I put her mail in her room. She wants me to now put the mail on the counter...in the same living area that she recently banded me from with the same stack of mail thatwe are supposed to be returning to sender. She claims she has told me not to put her mail in her room before. She is mistaken. Then she curses and yells about how I don't clean up enough for her. Sigh. For about ten minutes, she cursed and hollered, talking to me like a child. I told her I don't talk to her crazy. She says I do. This truly is not so, because, if I talk to her crazy, I won't have a place to live.
Connie is supposed to be my friend. Do what that what you want.
I emerge from this situation mad. Mad that I am not in grad school. Mad that my mom doesn't have a job. Mad that my grandma is losing her mind. Mad that I have a lot of shit on my plate and I come home to get bitched at about mail!
Today she asked me if I was OK, but not sincerly. More like an 'are you over it' OK. I said yes. I closed the door and layed face down on my floor; the life and times of a homeless girl. Sigh.
Connie is supposed to be my friend. Do what that what you want.
I emerge from this situation mad. Mad that I am not in grad school. Mad that my mom doesn't have a job. Mad that my grandma is losing her mind. Mad that I have a lot of shit on my plate and I come home to get bitched at about mail!
Today she asked me if I was OK, but not sincerly. More like an 'are you over it' OK. I said yes. I closed the door and layed face down on my floor; the life and times of a homeless girl. Sigh.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Herp Face
A couple of weeks ago a girlfriend of mine called me with possibly the scariest story I have ever heard. OK, so she wakes up and sees she has a pimple on her face. But it is all itchy and burny, but she is like, OK, I will just keep my eye on this. The next day it is worst, so she goes to the doctor and the doc says that she Herp on her face. AHHHHHH! But like cold sore Herp, not sex Herp. HSV1. The doctor explained to her that HSV1 is above the waist and HSV2 is below. How did she get it on her face? The doctor said she could have got it from opening the bathroom door after she peed at work. She also shares a desk at work, which is a possibility. So she adviced that she start carrying around hand sanitizer, opening doors with a tissue, and just being careful. Then she gave her some cream for the bump. Good thing she went to the doctor. The doctor said she could have very quickly had bumps all over her face.
AHHHHH! So since she told me this, I have been afraid to touch my own vag, scared I touched some Herp when I went to the mailbox and could give it to myself. I have sanitized my hands so much that they are cracking! It looks like I have been scrubbing them on bricks! As if I don't have enough to worry about, now I could possibly unknowingly Herp myself?? YIKES! And here I was concerned because I kissed boy I went on date with and touched Faux Mega...where I should not have. I should have also been concerned about touching the bathroom door at the mall. When does it end?? From now on, consider me on an even more elevated Herp Alert.
AHHHHH! So since she told me this, I have been afraid to touch my own vag, scared I touched some Herp when I went to the mailbox and could give it to myself. I have sanitized my hands so much that they are cracking! It looks like I have been scrubbing them on bricks! As if I don't have enough to worry about, now I could possibly unknowingly Herp myself?? YIKES! And here I was concerned because I kissed boy I went on date with and touched Faux Mega...where I should not have. I should have also been concerned about touching the bathroom door at the mall. When does it end?? From now on, consider me on an even more elevated Herp Alert.
Statistics
Tell me, how many young women really get murdered by going out with men they don't know?
I ask this because some rapper that I befriended on Facebook asked me out to breakfast this morning in a chat message and I said no...even though I am hungry as Hell. I went through his pics. He looks clean and undangerous. But everyone is always talking about these chicks that get sliced by dudes they don't know on dates. If this is not the case, if this is just something scared parents started saying after watching too much Law and Order SVU, let me know so I can go get my eggs and sausage on at the Waffle House.
I ask this because some rapper that I befriended on Facebook asked me out to breakfast this morning in a chat message and I said no...even though I am hungry as Hell. I went through his pics. He looks clean and undangerous. But everyone is always talking about these chicks that get sliced by dudes they don't know on dates. If this is not the case, if this is just something scared parents started saying after watching too much Law and Order SVU, let me know so I can go get my eggs and sausage on at the Waffle House.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Medill
When I got back from Chicago, I looked up the Medill School of Journalism @ Northwestern, and I have not been able to close the tab! I love this school...I feel like I need to be there.
I have to say, I am not sure at what point in my life things began to feel unattainable for me, like attempting to reach my goals is hopeless, but this is something I really want, really badly. But I just have to be honest, I feel hopeless.
I have to say, I am not sure at what point in my life things began to feel unattainable for me, like attempting to reach my goals is hopeless, but this is something I really want, really badly. But I just have to be honest, I feel hopeless.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Blame Game
There is an annoying habit being practiced in the house. It's called "Let's Blame Holly for Shit!"
Just a second ago, Connie busted in the room and tells me not to sit in her dining room chair anymore because there is a stain on it. I'm assuming since I am being blamed she is accusing me of staining her chair. OK. So I am like, "Ok." She now has exiled me to the kitchen, where she also wants me to eat because, apparently, I stain things.
Then there is Jimmy, the cat. The outdoor house cat. She tells me today not to let Jimmy in because he pulled down the drapes. I didn't bring him in in the first place!
I hate being regulated like this, but I have known Connie since I was in middle school. I knew it would be like this. I mean, overall, living with her is cool. But it is her house. The rules and regs just remind me of how homeless I am. This is not my house. Sigh. It was nice of her to allow me to stay here, but that's just it: I'm just staying here. I miss the feeling of home, you know? But I wonder, even if I had my own house, would it feel like home to me since my family wouldn't live there with me? I don't know. I am just trying not to be sad over it.
Just a second ago, Connie busted in the room and tells me not to sit in her dining room chair anymore because there is a stain on it. I'm assuming since I am being blamed she is accusing me of staining her chair. OK. So I am like, "Ok." She now has exiled me to the kitchen, where she also wants me to eat because, apparently, I stain things.
Then there is Jimmy, the cat. The outdoor house cat. She tells me today not to let Jimmy in because he pulled down the drapes. I didn't bring him in in the first place!
I hate being regulated like this, but I have known Connie since I was in middle school. I knew it would be like this. I mean, overall, living with her is cool. But it is her house. The rules and regs just remind me of how homeless I am. This is not my house. Sigh. It was nice of her to allow me to stay here, but that's just it: I'm just staying here. I miss the feeling of home, you know? But I wonder, even if I had my own house, would it feel like home to me since my family wouldn't live there with me? I don't know. I am just trying not to be sad over it.
A Little Too Honest
So I was talking to boy I went on date with yesterday, and the convo was going well, until, in typical Holly fashion, I made it unbearably uncomfortable. We were just chatting you know, and I blurted, "I miss you."
And he was like, "Oh yeah?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
Silence.
So, in tune with keeping things awkward, I blurted, "OK, I'm taking it back. Let's pretend I didn't say that."
And he was like, "How can you take something you said back? If you take it back, you didn't mean it."
And I go, "I meant it, but I'm taking it back because it clearly made you uncomfortable. I feel like I am too honest. I need to know when to keep things to myself."
Then he goes, [Grunt] "You need to learn how to not take things so seriously."
And I go, "Are you telling me I need to chill?"
"Yes."
Silence.
But then he goes, "So...what do you miss about me?"
And he was like, "Oh yeah?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
Silence.
So, in tune with keeping things awkward, I blurted, "OK, I'm taking it back. Let's pretend I didn't say that."
And he was like, "How can you take something you said back? If you take it back, you didn't mean it."
And I go, "I meant it, but I'm taking it back because it clearly made you uncomfortable. I feel like I am too honest. I need to know when to keep things to myself."
Then he goes, [Grunt] "You need to learn how to not take things so seriously."
And I go, "Are you telling me I need to chill?"
"Yes."
Silence.
But then he goes, "So...what do you miss about me?"
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Sugar Mama
Lately I have been feeling like my moral code has been a bit shaky. Things, ideas- they run across my mind and I am not all together sure that they are the right things to do.
Example? Well, for the past month I have been toying with the idea of posting an ad for a Sugar Mama on Craigslist- an old, lonely lesbian woman who would buy me stuff and pay my bills in exchange for hugs and cheek kisses.
I have attempted to post this ad over the past month tons of times, but I just can not bring myself to do it. I don't want to use anybody, you know? I am just tired of being broke! The only thing I have worth anything to offer anyone is my time. My wardrobe in STUCK in 2008! I need a closet update and my power bill paid. In exchange for my Sug taking care of this, I would like totally chill with her and go out to eat with her and everything. I am not above having fun to take care of my necessities...as long as the fun stays above the waist of course. It's a situation where I feel like everyone would get what they want.
So why is it so hard for me to publish the post? Sigh. Not sure. But I need to get it together. I am not trying to live in the dark, and Winter is around the corner. I need a new coat.
Example? Well, for the past month I have been toying with the idea of posting an ad for a Sugar Mama on Craigslist- an old, lonely lesbian woman who would buy me stuff and pay my bills in exchange for hugs and cheek kisses.
I have attempted to post this ad over the past month tons of times, but I just can not bring myself to do it. I don't want to use anybody, you know? I am just tired of being broke! The only thing I have worth anything to offer anyone is my time. My wardrobe in STUCK in 2008! I need a closet update and my power bill paid. In exchange for my Sug taking care of this, I would like totally chill with her and go out to eat with her and everything. I am not above having fun to take care of my necessities...as long as the fun stays above the waist of course. It's a situation where I feel like everyone would get what they want.
So why is it so hard for me to publish the post? Sigh. Not sure. But I need to get it together. I am not trying to live in the dark, and Winter is around the corner. I need a new coat.
House Potato
I have got to get out of my house!!
Between late last night I have scarfed down two large bags of Doritos, a chocolate bar, and a two liter. A two liter! I don't have anything to do at home but work, so I just munch and type all day. True, and I am not the biggest champion for working out and staying healthy, but if I don't get out of the house away from my snacks, I am going to be as big as a house! Literally.
Later on I am going to just go outside and walk up and down the street until I start to sweat. But I will leave my wallet at home, or else I am going to stop at the drug store and buy some candy. Sigh, I need help.
Between late last night I have scarfed down two large bags of Doritos, a chocolate bar, and a two liter. A two liter! I don't have anything to do at home but work, so I just munch and type all day. True, and I am not the biggest champion for working out and staying healthy, but if I don't get out of the house away from my snacks, I am going to be as big as a house! Literally.
Later on I am going to just go outside and walk up and down the street until I start to sweat. But I will leave my wallet at home, or else I am going to stop at the drug store and buy some candy. Sigh, I need help.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Jilted
So I told you guys FauxMega texted me on Friday and was all about coming to see me. But on Monday, I got back into town and he was busy, so he rescheduled for today. Busy again.
Being jilted is a sucky feeling. You're not sad, you are just pissed off and irritated with a tight face. I'll be honest. I like FauxMega because he is fine, nice, and has a KILLER body. I don't know him well enough, sadly, to like him for any other reasons. But I gotta say here (and I may be being selfish) that I want a guy that is totally dedicated to me- one that doesn't have to pencil me in making out with me in between his physical training sessions. But I still want him to come over...is that weak or what? I really miss the good old days when I had dignity and a remnants of a moral code.
Being jilted is a sucky feeling. You're not sad, you are just pissed off and irritated with a tight face. I'll be honest. I like FauxMega because he is fine, nice, and has a KILLER body. I don't know him well enough, sadly, to like him for any other reasons. But I gotta say here (and I may be being selfish) that I want a guy that is totally dedicated to me- one that doesn't have to pencil me in making out with me in between his physical training sessions. But I still want him to come over...is that weak or what? I really miss the good old days when I had dignity and a remnants of a moral code.
Crush Confusion
OK, I really miss boy I went on date with.
I mean, we text and talk on the phone and stuff, but I miss near me.
I told Lauren that I had started to like him and she asked, "Were you starting to like him, or did you like him being around?"
Good question. I don't know. At all. Honestly, in my mind there is no difference. Is that bad? All I know is that no matter the reason or the source, there is some serious missin' goin' ons. Sigh. Shrug.
I mean, we text and talk on the phone and stuff, but I miss near me.
I told Lauren that I had started to like him and she asked, "Were you starting to like him, or did you like him being around?"
Good question. I don't know. At all. Honestly, in my mind there is no difference. Is that bad? All I know is that no matter the reason or the source, there is some serious missin' goin' ons. Sigh. Shrug.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Menstrual Case
So I am menstrual right now. I know, I know, TMI, but I am. And I feel that because I am menstrual, my senses are heightened. Today, as I do when I am usually menstrual, I became aware of things that would usually go under my radar.
Today, when I was hangin' out in O'Hare airport, people watchin' and waiting to board my plane, I became vary aware of how...um...huge I am in comparison to EVERYONE around me: the old white lady, the little boy, the outrageously stylish Asian girls, the soldiers in the food court. It was so creepy, that for a second, I felt like I was about to have a panic attack.
What else did I become aware of: the way that strangers look at me. Mind you, I have been fat forever, so people have always stared at me. But it was a stare like, "Haha, that chick is fat." But now, it is more like, "OMG," with children, and "Gross," or "I feel sorry for you," with adults. Again, this could be menstrual me talking, but I felt like EVERYONE was staring at me. Especially on the small little rickety plane I was on coming home. At one point I seriously just wanted to fold myself up and tuck myself under the seat. My seat mate was a dick, looking at me like I had shit in my eye, and the men around me kept giving me mean side glances. I imagined that my head exploded and they each got an eye full of my brains.
Sigh.
I know I am being dramatic. But isn't that all a part of being menstrual?
Today, when I was hangin' out in O'Hare airport, people watchin' and waiting to board my plane, I became vary aware of how...um...huge I am in comparison to EVERYONE around me: the old white lady, the little boy, the outrageously stylish Asian girls, the soldiers in the food court. It was so creepy, that for a second, I felt like I was about to have a panic attack.
What else did I become aware of: the way that strangers look at me. Mind you, I have been fat forever, so people have always stared at me. But it was a stare like, "Haha, that chick is fat." But now, it is more like, "OMG," with children, and "Gross," or "I feel sorry for you," with adults. Again, this could be menstrual me talking, but I felt like EVERYONE was staring at me. Especially on the small little rickety plane I was on coming home. At one point I seriously just wanted to fold myself up and tuck myself under the seat. My seat mate was a dick, looking at me like I had shit in my eye, and the men around me kept giving me mean side glances. I imagined that my head exploded and they each got an eye full of my brains.
Sigh.
I know I am being dramatic. But isn't that all a part of being menstrual?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
OK, so what is the verdict on wearing stockings with open-toed shoes? I took this pic of a woman who was sitting in the hotel lobby. I was under the impression that that was tacky, but I am seeing it all the time now. I always felt that if you were going to wear stockings with open-toed shoes, you must be cold, so wear a close-toed shoe. This kind of annoys me, like when women in the early '90s used to wear ankle bracelets under their stockings. Gross. I don't know. Not the fashion police. Just wondering...
Saturday, October 16, 2010
The Chi Woman- A Disection
Today I went on a little walk downtown to get a feel of the style of the women who live here. I do this wherever I go. I like style watching, primarily to see if there is anything that I want to go home and introduce to Atlanta. This is what I observed:
- The women wear shades, even though it is not hot or sunny. But I realize now that it is so windy that if you don't wear shades, your make-up will run.
- I didn't see as many ass-exposing minis like I did in L.A. or as many stilettos as I did in NY. The women here are sensible. Cute flats, low heels, sneakers, boots, and loafers. There is a lot of walking. Alot. Unlike NY women, they take that into account when choosing their shoes.
- Scarves and pashminas. Left to right scarves and pashminas.
- Outfits are cute but sensible. Practical. A lot of jeans. A lot of cardigans. Not a lot of over the top style.
- Their hair is simple: sexy and pulled back. Like I said, it is windy.
So what have I learned to take back to Atlanta for the Winter: take it easy. You can be cute in the cold without being strapped in a thick coat or looking to magaziney.
Friend Dumped
I pride myself on being a good friend. I don't want to sound cocky, but it's true, I am. Hense why I still have friends from like kindergarten that stay in touch. And this isn't just me talking. People tell me all the time what a grand buddy I am. So you can imagine how hard it is for me to come to terms with being friend dumped.
One of the friends that I feel dumped me is my girl Jamaica. This pill is hard to swollow, because she has proven to be an amazing friend in the past. But she has gotten a really awesome, yet demanding, new job and, I'm assuming doesn't have the time to talk to me. This kind of bugs me, seeing that whenever she calls me with issues, I am there to listen, always available, no matter what I am doing. Why? Because I am a good friend. She just continuously jilts me. Whenever I call, she does not answer. And the other day, when she did answer, she gave me some story about getting bad reception in her apartment. But it isn't bad when she calls me to vent about her life. I also kind of feel like I am no longer educated enough or something to be her buddy, seeing that she hangs out with all her cool grad school friends now. Sigh. I miss talking to her, and have issues myself as of late. No answer.
The other friend I don't know what her issue is. I have tried all venues to reach her, and I can't. I used to assume that she was busy, but clearly she isn't, because she texts our mutual friend all of the time. Our last convo was cool. We hung up on good terms. This is sooo annoying, because I have no idea why I have not heard from her in like ages.
Sad face.
One of the friends that I feel dumped me is my girl Jamaica. This pill is hard to swollow, because she has proven to be an amazing friend in the past. But she has gotten a really awesome, yet demanding, new job and, I'm assuming doesn't have the time to talk to me. This kind of bugs me, seeing that whenever she calls me with issues, I am there to listen, always available, no matter what I am doing. Why? Because I am a good friend. She just continuously jilts me. Whenever I call, she does not answer. And the other day, when she did answer, she gave me some story about getting bad reception in her apartment. But it isn't bad when she calls me to vent about her life. I also kind of feel like I am no longer educated enough or something to be her buddy, seeing that she hangs out with all her cool grad school friends now. Sigh. I miss talking to her, and have issues myself as of late. No answer.
The other friend I don't know what her issue is. I have tried all venues to reach her, and I can't. I used to assume that she was busy, but clearly she isn't, because she texts our mutual friend all of the time. Our last convo was cool. We hung up on good terms. This is sooo annoying, because I have no idea why I have not heard from her in like ages.
Sad face.
Chi State Of Mind
Yesterday, my friend Waddles from college came to my hotel room to hang out. It was so good to see her! But she told me something crazy: she did not bring her car down from home because it cost $25 a month to park in her complex where it cost over a stack a month to live! What?
Then, yesterday, I spent over 11 bucks on two OK Egg Foo Yung patties and the smallest side of white rice I have ever had.
While walking the streets yesterday, being a tourist, I almost got hit like 4 times because the Chitownians completely ignore the little White man on the sign that says it is OK for people to cross the street!
Oh, and to my disappointment, I did not see Kanye or Common.
I say all this to say, I LOVE THIS CITY! I have to live here. I must. This little trip, I feel, has given me the kick in my ass that I need to apply to grad school at Northwestern, my dream school. Guys I should dust off my GRE cards...again.
Then, yesterday, I spent over 11 bucks on two OK Egg Foo Yung patties and the smallest side of white rice I have ever had.
While walking the streets yesterday, being a tourist, I almost got hit like 4 times because the Chitownians completely ignore the little White man on the sign that says it is OK for people to cross the street!
Oh, and to my disappointment, I did not see Kanye or Common.
I say all this to say, I LOVE THIS CITY! I have to live here. I must. This little trip, I feel, has given me the kick in my ass that I need to apply to grad school at Northwestern, my dream school. Guys I should dust off my GRE cards...again.
Random Thoughts
I don't like it when I hold the door for someone on the elevator and they get off before me. Because I had to be nice, they get off before me and delay my progress to where I have to go. Would it be inappropriate to ask them as the door is closing what floor they are going to to then decide if I want to put my hand in between the elevator doors?
I don't like those new toilet seats with the plastic on them. The ones where you have to wave you hand in front of the censor for the plastic to rotate. Where is that plastic coming from? Is it recycled? Sometimes I forget to wave, so I sit on someone's recycled booty plastic! But maybe they did a courtesy wave when they were done. I do, but sadly, I doubt that others do. Oh, and does anyone sanitize those public hand sanitizer dispensors? Again, I do, but who knows how many people didn't before I came along?
I HATE KIDS THAT POINT AND STARE! Yesterday, in the airport bathroom, this kid was starring and pointing at me while his mom's back was turned and I stuck my toung out at him and he shot me the finger and I shot it back then he turned around. Rude! I try not to have COMPLETE disdain for kids...but I do, sadly.
Why are there no condoms for balls? I plan to invent a latex jock strap so that women can be completely protected from ball germs. They will be scented and washable. I can't believe no one has thought of this before. Just some thoughts...
I don't like those new toilet seats with the plastic on them. The ones where you have to wave you hand in front of the censor for the plastic to rotate. Where is that plastic coming from? Is it recycled? Sometimes I forget to wave, so I sit on someone's recycled booty plastic! But maybe they did a courtesy wave when they were done. I do, but sadly, I doubt that others do. Oh, and does anyone sanitize those public hand sanitizer dispensors? Again, I do, but who knows how many people didn't before I came along?
I HATE KIDS THAT POINT AND STARE! Yesterday, in the airport bathroom, this kid was starring and pointing at me while his mom's back was turned and I stuck my toung out at him and he shot me the finger and I shot it back then he turned around. Rude! I try not to have COMPLETE disdain for kids...but I do, sadly.
Why are there no condoms for balls? I plan to invent a latex jock strap so that women can be completely protected from ball germs. They will be scented and washable. I can't believe no one has thought of this before. Just some thoughts...
Hey
So yesterday while I was at the airport, Faux Mega texted me...without me having to text him first! It took everything in me to not get up and start moonwalking down the runway! And get this: all he texted me was "Hey!"
His midterms are over now, so "...he is back on the scene! Lol." Yay!
So I am supposed to meet up with him next week, but I torn. Erin said that you can't go backwards. I don't want to be this guy's floozy. I like him. But I don't know how to go about restearing so that he might want to actually go on a date or hang out or whatever. If I mess this up, I won't have anyone to get neck kisses from, so I have to tread lightly.
I guess the best thing to do is be honest about what I want...after I get my kisses:)
His midterms are over now, so "...he is back on the scene! Lol." Yay!
So I am supposed to meet up with him next week, but I torn. Erin said that you can't go backwards. I don't want to be this guy's floozy. I like him. But I don't know how to go about restearing so that he might want to actually go on a date or hang out or whatever. If I mess this up, I won't have anyone to get neck kisses from, so I have to tread lightly.
I guess the best thing to do is be honest about what I want...after I get my kisses:)
Friday, October 15, 2010
And All That Jazz!
Hello Readers! I write to you today from Chicago. Little tid bit: this is where my family is originally from. So for some reason, when I got out of the airport shuttle in the middle of downtown Chi, I thought I would recognize everything. Of course, I didn't, lol! But I do feel connected.
I have only been here a few hours, but there are a few things that I LOVE about this place that may cause me to consider moving here.
I have only been here a few hours, but there are a few things that I LOVE about this place that may cause me to consider moving here.
- Chicago is the home of the ABSOLUTELY HOTTEST Middle Eastern men I have ever seen!
- Chicago is the home of the ABSOLUTELY HOTTEST Indian men I have ever seen! And they are all super brown and super tall and super well tailored!
- There is a Chase Bank and a McDonald's on every corner!
- The city somehow feels old and new at the same time!
- Everyone is really chic, like in NY, minus the poopy attitude!
- Men in cardigans. I have a major thing for men in cardigans. And they are everywhere!
- The CVS here carries the $.25 chocolate dipped granolas!
This trip is going to be awesome!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Say A Little Prayer...Again
Hey Readers!
I am going out of town soon, so I need all of you to do that magic thing you do: pray that I don't have any plane issues. Pray hard my little prayer warriors, and I will tell you all about my trip when I get home. Thank you!
Holly
I am going out of town soon, so I need all of you to do that magic thing you do: pray that I don't have any plane issues. Pray hard my little prayer warriors, and I will tell you all about my trip when I get home. Thank you!
Holly
OK, so I went to this event yesterday and Kelly Rowland was there and she looked REALLY cute. I tried to get pictures of her dress, but she was moving around. Sorry. But maybe you can get the picture from these bad pictures, lol. It was just a simple black cocktail dress that was backless. Super cute!
He's Just Not That Into Me
So, last night I called boy I went on date with to chat. He has been over my house a couple of times, and I was becoming a little sweet on him. So I figured it was due time to ask him how he felt and he was like, "What?" And I repeat myself and he is like, "Huh?"
Not a good sign.
I go, "Are you attracted to me or not?"
And he goes, "Not yet."
And I'm like, "Not yet?!"
So he goes, "OK, are you mad?"
I had to pause. No, I wasn't mad. Really, I wasn't. I was a little hurt and HUMILIATED, but not mad. I'm like, if you were not attracted to me, at all, why the Hell did you come over my house those times and kiss me and hold me? So this I asked, but in a calmer tone, and he goes: "Honestly, because I wanted to make you happy."
And I'm like, if you don't like me, why the *$%# do you care if I am happy or not? This I ask in a calmer voice.
His response, "You're mad."
Sigh. I can get someone not being into me. Not everyone will be. That is the way of the world. What is friggin' baffling to me is that he could not be into me at all but still come to my house and let me be all under him! But for real, I am not mad at him. I just have to lick my wounds and move on.
Not a good sign.
I go, "Are you attracted to me or not?"
And he goes, "Not yet."
And I'm like, "Not yet?!"
So he goes, "OK, are you mad?"
I had to pause. No, I wasn't mad. Really, I wasn't. I was a little hurt and HUMILIATED, but not mad. I'm like, if you were not attracted to me, at all, why the Hell did you come over my house those times and kiss me and hold me? So this I asked, but in a calmer tone, and he goes: "Honestly, because I wanted to make you happy."
And I'm like, if you don't like me, why the *$%# do you care if I am happy or not? This I ask in a calmer voice.
His response, "You're mad."
Sigh. I can get someone not being into me. Not everyone will be. That is the way of the world. What is friggin' baffling to me is that he could not be into me at all but still come to my house and let me be all under him! But for real, I am not mad at him. I just have to lick my wounds and move on.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Getting it Together
My friend Sarah recently had a birthday. While I was looking at the pictures of the bday festivities on Facebook, Facebook reminded me that Sarah was in an album from last year...also documenting her birthday. Two Sarah albums? So, of course I click.
As I looked over the adorable outfits, it dawned on me: this was a year ago. This was a whole year ago? I felt like I had looked at those pics for the first time two days ago.
This told me that I need to jazz it up in my life. The days are just starting to fly by, and they all seem the same. I am the same Holly that I was last year! Since we are already talking about Sarah, we can use her as an example. Comparing the two albums, you could tell that her hair was different, her style is different. She is even a hair model for Carol's Daughter!
I still have a fro. Still write. Still broke. Still the same.
So this got me thinking about time, and about how I am not getting any younger, even though I am young. Honestly, after my next birthday, I will not be able to use youth as an excuse for my dumb decisions and lack of drive. When I was 22, I told a boss I had at an internship that I wanted to do communication, but I didn't quite know how and she said: "Figure it out. We are not 18 anymore." Sigh. I wonder what she would say now that I am 25?
This, then, got me thinking about grad school again. I have always wanted to go, but that GRE...Then it hit me: I have almost been out of school 4 years, I could have 2 grad degrees! All of this makes me want to crawl under a table. But I guess there is nothing to it but to do it, easier said than done.
As I looked over the adorable outfits, it dawned on me: this was a year ago. This was a whole year ago? I felt like I had looked at those pics for the first time two days ago.
This told me that I need to jazz it up in my life. The days are just starting to fly by, and they all seem the same. I am the same Holly that I was last year! Since we are already talking about Sarah, we can use her as an example. Comparing the two albums, you could tell that her hair was different, her style is different. She is even a hair model for Carol's Daughter!
I still have a fro. Still write. Still broke. Still the same.
So this got me thinking about time, and about how I am not getting any younger, even though I am young. Honestly, after my next birthday, I will not be able to use youth as an excuse for my dumb decisions and lack of drive. When I was 22, I told a boss I had at an internship that I wanted to do communication, but I didn't quite know how and she said: "Figure it out. We are not 18 anymore." Sigh. I wonder what she would say now that I am 25?
This, then, got me thinking about grad school again. I have always wanted to go, but that GRE...Then it hit me: I have almost been out of school 4 years, I could have 2 grad degrees! All of this makes me want to crawl under a table. But I guess there is nothing to it but to do it, easier said than done.
Sincerly, Financially Distressed
I am going out of town.
I have to pay the power bill and for my Internet.
I literally had to rebudget my budget to be able to afford some Dove (I know I could get cheaper soap, but Dove makes my skin feel all babyish).
Yet, I find, that I have gotten to the point that I am like F it, I'm broke, I'm tired, and I want to spend money that I don't have on a half of a gallon of ice cream, so whatever.
I mean, if I become any more stressed over money than I already am, I swear to God, I will friggin' hurl, I'm not joking! The least I can have, to get me through this dollarless limbo, is some ice cream. I feel like that is only fair.
I have to pay the power bill and for my Internet.
I literally had to rebudget my budget to be able to afford some Dove (I know I could get cheaper soap, but Dove makes my skin feel all babyish).
Yet, I find, that I have gotten to the point that I am like F it, I'm broke, I'm tired, and I want to spend money that I don't have on a half of a gallon of ice cream, so whatever.
I mean, if I become any more stressed over money than I already am, I swear to God, I will friggin' hurl, I'm not joking! The least I can have, to get me through this dollarless limbo, is some ice cream. I feel like that is only fair.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Emotion Confusion
Here is the thing: I find myself nearly fiending for male attention, but when I get it, no matter how G-Rated, I feel like a tramp! And I don't like being by myself. True, I have been most of my life. But this past month, I have had a dude or two to like hold me, and it's been really nice and really addicting. But now, when a guy is not here, when he is doing something selfish like working or sleeping, I feel more alone than I ever remember feeling when I was completely by myself.
My emotions put me in mind of some game that Dorothy schooled me to...that I ignored until now: "Don't wish for a guy to come around, because you think you are lonely now, but you will REALLY be lonely when he leaves."
I'm needy. I own it. It's true. But I feel like I have held on to my hymen for a second here...don't I at least deserve someone to come around and hug me...when I demand that they do it? I don't know...I'm just sayin'.
My emotions put me in mind of some game that Dorothy schooled me to...that I ignored until now: "Don't wish for a guy to come around, because you think you are lonely now, but you will REALLY be lonely when he leaves."
I'm needy. I own it. It's true. But I feel like I have held on to my hymen for a second here...don't I at least deserve someone to come around and hug me...when I demand that they do it? I don't know...I'm just sayin'.
Bad Dad
When I had lunch with my Dad when he was here, we talked about my half brothers and sisters. There are five or six of us in all. My dad is married, and has been for 18 years, and has a 17-year-old son, a junior, named Robert.
So I ask him over gumbo if his son is going to college. He doesn't know. Eyebrow raise. And so I ask if he and his son are close, seeing that they live in the same house. The answer is no. And I am like, how is that possible? He says that he is about as close to the son with his wife that lives in his house as he is to me. Not good. We text occasionally and he visits every two or three years. I ask him how this is even possible, and he says that it is because he is a bad father.
Bad Father. He said it nonchalantly, like he was saying his name. He went on to add that he works a lot and that none of his kids were planned.
This did not hurt my feelings. I was happy to hear him say these things. When I was kid, I figured he wasn't around because of something I did when I was too young to remember. When I was a preteen, I convinced myself that my mom had done something to make him go away. Now I see that his absence was no fault of mine or my mom's, and that is not only refreshing, but a big relief.
Before he left, he said he wanted to come back in November. I said OK, but I am not holding my breath on him coming. He may or may not. I just have to accept him for what he is.
So I ask him over gumbo if his son is going to college. He doesn't know. Eyebrow raise. And so I ask if he and his son are close, seeing that they live in the same house. The answer is no. And I am like, how is that possible? He says that he is about as close to the son with his wife that lives in his house as he is to me. Not good. We text occasionally and he visits every two or three years. I ask him how this is even possible, and he says that it is because he is a bad father.
Bad Father. He said it nonchalantly, like he was saying his name. He went on to add that he works a lot and that none of his kids were planned.
This did not hurt my feelings. I was happy to hear him say these things. When I was kid, I figured he wasn't around because of something I did when I was too young to remember. When I was a preteen, I convinced myself that my mom had done something to make him go away. Now I see that his absence was no fault of mine or my mom's, and that is not only refreshing, but a big relief.
Before he left, he said he wanted to come back in November. I said OK, but I am not holding my breath on him coming. He may or may not. I just have to accept him for what he is.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Daddy Follow-Up
So DaddyDo finally came to visit me yesterday. We spent all day together. Funny, I had been ROYALLY pissed that he showed up late, but when he showed, I was all extra happy. We went to Red Lobster, then the movies (where Pops caught a nap), and then we took a pic together. Just thought I would share.Thursday, October 7, 2010
The Revival
OK, Operation Hateration is back in effect. I can't go into detail. I have reason to believe that my blog is being monitored by people that are not supportive of my cause. I have WASTED time I can't get back, thinking that this would blow over. After light observation, it is clear that neither party will do as planned and ruin this on their own, thus outside interference is needed. As usual, I will keep you posted of my progress.
Transformers
Today, while being sad over Pops, I got a package! Can you feel me smiling? It was from Tarte Cosmetics!
The Jewelry Box, Limited Edition Palette and Reusable Necklace, $52
Daddy Annoyance
So, I finally reached Pops...after numerous texts and calls that went unanswered.
Just to catch you up, he was supposed to come on Wednesday. Then he said he was coming today. Now, this evening, after calling him all morning, he is saying he will be here in time for dinner and a movie on tomorrow.
At this point, he could come or he could not come, even though I really want to see him. I am now mad about his COMPLETE disregard for my time! I did nothing yesterday because I didn't want to miss his call- I wanted to be available if he just showed up looking for me at my house. Today, I did nothing, hoping he would just show up at the house. And tomorrow, I will do the same thing, because again, he was not clear on what time he would get here.
Guys, I am so annoyed at this point, I don't even know what to do.
Just to catch you up, he was supposed to come on Wednesday. Then he said he was coming today. Now, this evening, after calling him all morning, he is saying he will be here in time for dinner and a movie on tomorrow.
At this point, he could come or he could not come, even though I really want to see him. I am now mad about his COMPLETE disregard for my time! I did nothing yesterday because I didn't want to miss his call- I wanted to be available if he just showed up looking for me at my house. Today, I did nothing, hoping he would just show up at the house. And tomorrow, I will do the same thing, because again, he was not clear on what time he would get here.
Guys, I am so annoyed at this point, I don't even know what to do.
Contractions
Why is it that whenever I balance my checkbook I have labor pains?
I just did my daily Chase.com/ checkbook check, and I have to say, the sad end result brought me to my knees. Thinking about how I am going to travel for my job, eat, and live off of these pennies gave me cramps that radiated from my gut down to my jay-jay. If I did not know better, I would have thought that I was having a baby!
At that point, I just had to put my wallet back in my purse before I hurled and kicked my purse to the side. I can not wait until I get old, only because I am assuming that old age comes with financial security.
I just did my daily Chase.com/ checkbook check, and I have to say, the sad end result brought me to my knees. Thinking about how I am going to travel for my job, eat, and live off of these pennies gave me cramps that radiated from my gut down to my jay-jay. If I did not know better, I would have thought that I was having a baby!
At that point, I just had to put my wallet back in my purse before I hurled and kicked my purse to the side. I can not wait until I get old, only because I am assuming that old age comes with financial security.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Daddy Update
I know that you all are too tired of hearing about my Daddy right now. So in short, he did not show yesterday.
I went to Popeye's to get lunch and decided to call him since he never answered my text. He tells me that he will be here tomorrow but can not give me an exact time. He wants me to text him my address and look for a hotel for him to stay in. Flakey, I know. That was at lunchtime.
Just now, I called him to see where he was on the road and his phone was turned off. I texted him my address and some hotel prices. I really don't know what to think.
Tomorrow is not today. I really hope he comes. I have been really excited to see him. But if he doesn't come, I am sorry, but I am just going to have to be over it.
I went to Popeye's to get lunch and decided to call him since he never answered my text. He tells me that he will be here tomorrow but can not give me an exact time. He wants me to text him my address and look for a hotel for him to stay in. Flakey, I know. That was at lunchtime.
Just now, I called him to see where he was on the road and his phone was turned off. I texted him my address and some hotel prices. I really don't know what to think.
Tomorrow is not today. I really hope he comes. I have been really excited to see him. But if he doesn't come, I am sorry, but I am just going to have to be over it.
Daddy Day
OK, so today my Dad is supposed to be coming into town.
Yesterday, he was texting me, asking me what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. So hopefully, hopefully that means he is really coming this time. I have showered. I am going to wash my hair so that my 'fro will be pretty. I am going to repaint my toes and look really cute: leggings and a poncho. I don't think I can even grasp right now how disappointed I will be if he pulls the okie doke.
I just texted him, asking him what time he will be getting in. No response as of yet. Not a good sign. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Guys, I am emotionally unstable. There is really no room in my life for devastating let-downs.
Yesterday, he was texting me, asking me what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. So hopefully, hopefully that means he is really coming this time. I have showered. I am going to wash my hair so that my 'fro will be pretty. I am going to repaint my toes and look really cute: leggings and a poncho. I don't think I can even grasp right now how disappointed I will be if he pulls the okie doke.
I just texted him, asking him what time he will be getting in. No response as of yet. Not a good sign. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Guys, I am emotionally unstable. There is really no room in my life for devastating let-downs.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Termination
Taji wanted me to investigate how Connie felt about him. He wouldn't have asked if he lived with us. She has been grinning from ear to ear since he came to visit. So I asked her on a scale of 1 to 10 how she felt about him and she said an 11. Operation Hateration officially terminated until further notice.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Bad Christian
Question: is it bad that the first sincere prayer that I have had in ages is praying that Faux-Mega would get off work early and answer my text to come over and make out? Sigh, I feel like it is. I know that it is. Unacceptable.
Say A Little Prayer
I woke up and realized that I have not prayed in a really long time. That could have a little something to do with why I feel like I am just being kicked through life. Not a good feeling. I pretty much feel like anything can happen, more so bad than good. At any moment, I am prepared to get the bit of bad news that will drive me to the cry of the century.
I wish I was six again. I felt so connected to God. When I prayed, I really feel like someone was listening. Now, I look at my situation and my bank accounts and don't feel a need to pray, because it is obvious that there is no connection- that there is no one there. And this is pretty shitty, because I have ALWAYS felt like God had my back.
Even in high school, I used to feel like God would whisper little warnings in my ear like be careful, don't eat that, be cool. Now, I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't.
The Taji and Connie situation is just one example of how jealous and nitpicky I am becoming. Again, another little character trait (besides consistent crying and bitterness) that I attribute to distancing myself from Him.
Today I will meditate. I have got to get this relationship back on course. Feeling Godless is a whole other level of lonely I would prefer not to stay in.
I wish I was six again. I felt so connected to God. When I prayed, I really feel like someone was listening. Now, I look at my situation and my bank accounts and don't feel a need to pray, because it is obvious that there is no connection- that there is no one there. And this is pretty shitty, because I have ALWAYS felt like God had my back.
Even in high school, I used to feel like God would whisper little warnings in my ear like be careful, don't eat that, be cool. Now, I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't.
The Taji and Connie situation is just one example of how jealous and nitpicky I am becoming. Again, another little character trait (besides consistent crying and bitterness) that I attribute to distancing myself from Him.
Today I will meditate. I have got to get this relationship back on course. Feeling Godless is a whole other level of lonely I would prefer not to stay in.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Change of Scene
I love Atlanta, but I wonder if it is time for me to move.
I have thought about leaving the city, but not really thought about it if you know what I mean. But as of late, I have found myself getting increasingly impatient and bored with my surroundings. For example, I am going to DIE if I have to attend another "exclusive" party with 100 tall girls in short dresses on the arms of men who wear shades inside and scarves as necklaces.
I grew up here. The bulk of my childhood friends are here. I know the city like the back of my hand. However, I fear that if I do not leave-for school or work or otherwise-I will never leave. I will get married and have kids that never leave the East Point city limits, and that will make me want to hack myself!
I just yearn to feel excited about something new like I did when I arrived in New Orleans for school and like I do whenever I travel for my job. I don't know. This is just something that has been on my mind. Three months shy of my 26 birthday, I have a hankerin' for a new adventure.
I have thought about leaving the city, but not really thought about it if you know what I mean. But as of late, I have found myself getting increasingly impatient and bored with my surroundings. For example, I am going to DIE if I have to attend another "exclusive" party with 100 tall girls in short dresses on the arms of men who wear shades inside and scarves as necklaces.
I grew up here. The bulk of my childhood friends are here. I know the city like the back of my hand. However, I fear that if I do not leave-for school or work or otherwise-I will never leave. I will get married and have kids that never leave the East Point city limits, and that will make me want to hack myself!
I just yearn to feel excited about something new like I did when I arrived in New Orleans for school and like I do whenever I travel for my job. I don't know. This is just something that has been on my mind. Three months shy of my 26 birthday, I have a hankerin' for a new adventure.
Robotics
Today Date Boy came over to my house. The disguise: watching Hulu. The plan: to discuss a previous phone conversation that, in short, went wrong. And of course, for some rated G-rated cuddling and such.
After exing out the Hulu and talking about the last talk, I'm cuddle ready. So I lay my head on his lap. Nothing. I have to tell him to cuddle me. In response, he plops his hand on my boob. Sigh. I slap his hand and redirect the touching. He touches my side. Uncomfortable. Too close to my vagina. I ask him to caress my shoulders. The result: up and down robotic touching. Suggest massaging. The conclusion: weird neck pinching. Backrub lacks ANY sensuality.
I sit up, look him in his face and say, "We have no body chemistry!"
He says I'm moving too fast. I remind him he is the one who put his hand on my boob.
I tell him he has three minutes to get it together. Round two of robotics begins. Disappointed and mildly satisfied. He says this is our first time touching each other. True dat.
I walk him to the door. I must prepare to go swimming. We give each other a stiff hug. He leaves. Door slams. I reopen it. Ask him if he knows how to get home. He says yes. Expresses that he feels that he has been kicked out. I deny this. He drives off.
Reflecting on the overall experience, I text him and thank him for coming to see me. I like him and I am not sure if that was expressed. He thanks me for having him over. I smile, looking forward to teaching him how to touch me.
After exing out the Hulu and talking about the last talk, I'm cuddle ready. So I lay my head on his lap. Nothing. I have to tell him to cuddle me. In response, he plops his hand on my boob. Sigh. I slap his hand and redirect the touching. He touches my side. Uncomfortable. Too close to my vagina. I ask him to caress my shoulders. The result: up and down robotic touching. Suggest massaging. The conclusion: weird neck pinching. Backrub lacks ANY sensuality.
I sit up, look him in his face and say, "We have no body chemistry!"
He says I'm moving too fast. I remind him he is the one who put his hand on my boob.
I tell him he has three minutes to get it together. Round two of robotics begins. Disappointed and mildly satisfied. He says this is our first time touching each other. True dat.
I walk him to the door. I must prepare to go swimming. We give each other a stiff hug. He leaves. Door slams. I reopen it. Ask him if he knows how to get home. He says yes. Expresses that he feels that he has been kicked out. I deny this. He drives off.
Reflecting on the overall experience, I text him and thank him for coming to see me. I like him and I am not sure if that was expressed. He thanks me for having him over. I smile, looking forward to teaching him how to touch me.
The Misunderstanding
So I have been talking on the phone a lot with boy that I went on the date with. So, I invited him to my house to hang out. I told him to bring a pizza and we could watch Hulu. And he was all like, "I paid last time, it's your turn." My turn. My turn? My turn! What would have ever given him the idea that this was tit for tat?
Then it hit me. He thinks that we are equals in this talking/ hang out stage we are in. 50/50. That's crazy! I don't want to be treated as his equal...I want to be treated better than him! I want to go out and dance and eat and have a good time all at his expense. Silly boy, doesn't he know I have a vagina? That fact alone means that my wallet is closed. I'm a girl! My ad said that I wanted romance. And there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING romantic about me picking up the bill!
Connie said that times have changed and boys want to be met halfway. Times have changed? 25 years worth of time has changed in my life, but I still have a jay-jay which means you still have to pay-pay. I didn't make the rules, thus I will not break them. Sorry.
Then it hit me. He thinks that we are equals in this talking/ hang out stage we are in. 50/50. That's crazy! I don't want to be treated as his equal...I want to be treated better than him! I want to go out and dance and eat and have a good time all at his expense. Silly boy, doesn't he know I have a vagina? That fact alone means that my wallet is closed. I'm a girl! My ad said that I wanted romance. And there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING romantic about me picking up the bill!
Connie said that times have changed and boys want to be met halfway. Times have changed? 25 years worth of time has changed in my life, but I still have a jay-jay which means you still have to pay-pay. I didn't make the rules, thus I will not break them. Sorry.
Papa Africa
Yesterday, while I was on my way to volunteer, I was stopped by an African man in a cab. He offered to give me a free cab ride to where I was going. So, not looking forward to the walk anyway, I agreed to get in the cab, but asked that he keep the door unlocked on my side. In the case that he pulled out a gun, I could leap out of passenger side and roll down the freeway.
Almost immediately after I plant my tush in the seat, he begins to go on and on about his love and fascination with big women- about how his aunt was big and she was so much fun. He went down memory lane, telling me about the good times he had trying to stuff his aunt into a girdle.
Since I got to the volunteer site early because duh, I didn't have to walk, I sat in a parking lot and talked to Solomon (a.k.a. Papa Africa). I found out that he is 40-years-old, has a 9-year-old daughter, and got a degree in Microbiology in Africa and, at one point, had his own school. Now he drives cabs in Atlanta due to some immigration stuff. He also talked about how he likes to have a good time and blah, blah, blah.
He is pretty cool. Confident. He asked me if I wanted to go out and, seeing how sad my bank account and refrigerator look, I agreed. I may just have a good time. I have to call and set up a dinner date. The sooner the better because I'm STARVING.
Almost immediately after I plant my tush in the seat, he begins to go on and on about his love and fascination with big women- about how his aunt was big and she was so much fun. He went down memory lane, telling me about the good times he had trying to stuff his aunt into a girdle.
Since I got to the volunteer site early because duh, I didn't have to walk, I sat in a parking lot and talked to Solomon (a.k.a. Papa Africa). I found out that he is 40-years-old, has a 9-year-old daughter, and got a degree in Microbiology in Africa and, at one point, had his own school. Now he drives cabs in Atlanta due to some immigration stuff. He also talked about how he likes to have a good time and blah, blah, blah.
He is pretty cool. Confident. He asked me if I wanted to go out and, seeing how sad my bank account and refrigerator look, I agreed. I may just have a good time. I have to call and set up a dinner date. The sooner the better because I'm STARVING.
Daddy Reshedule
My dad texted me last night and said that he is coming down this week...or next week, one of the two. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high, just in case he flakes out, but he texted me, saying that we would get hot wings and go to a movie...so now I am all excited! Hot wings and a movie? Oh boy! My dad may not know me that well, but he knew me well enough to know that all he had to mention was food and entertainment. Let's just hope he shows...
Hater Reform
This morning I casually asked Connie about Taji. She REALLY likes him. So now I feel bad for being a hater. Seeing them standing next to each other, they are a really cute, short couple. I mean, why was I trippin'? Taji is a good guy. A really good guy.
We will see where it goes, even though it feels weird. As for now, Operation Hateration is suspended.
We will see where it goes, even though it feels weird. As for now, Operation Hateration is suspended.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Grunt and Eye Roll
I can not find my keys.
The party was a bust.
My feet hurt.
So I return home to find Taji greeting me at my door.
Grunt. Eye Roll.
I come into my room and kick off my shoes, just for him to tell me I was not gone long. Apparently, I was not gone long enough for his taste. Apparently, two and a half hours is not long enough to bang my roommate and piss your territory.
Am I mad at Taji? No. He is one of my best male besties. I am mad at myself for thinking I would be cool with this. I get highly uncomfortable when a man, friend or foe, is in my space. And sure, he is in Connie's room, but it doesn't matter, because it's still the house I am living in for the time being.
It is one something in the morning. He still is not gone. I am sitting here, earphones in, listening to the love below on high, wishing upon a star that he is gone when I wake up. If not, I'm sorry, but I think that I will have to begin Operation Hateration. I hope it doesn't come to that.
The party was a bust.
My feet hurt.
So I return home to find Taji greeting me at my door.
Grunt. Eye Roll.
I come into my room and kick off my shoes, just for him to tell me I was not gone long. Apparently, I was not gone long enough for his taste. Apparently, two and a half hours is not long enough to bang my roommate and piss your territory.
Am I mad at Taji? No. He is one of my best male besties. I am mad at myself for thinking I would be cool with this. I get highly uncomfortable when a man, friend or foe, is in my space. And sure, he is in Connie's room, but it doesn't matter, because it's still the house I am living in for the time being.
It is one something in the morning. He still is not gone. I am sitting here, earphones in, listening to the love below on high, wishing upon a star that he is gone when I wake up. If not, I'm sorry, but I think that I will have to begin Operation Hateration. I hope it doesn't come to that.
Love Connection
Taji is coming over tonight to meet Connie, and all I can think about is what a terrible idea this whole thing was on my end. All I can think of is me waking up to Taji naked cooking eggs in the kitchen. Gross.
This whole thing has taught me to think before I speak. Now, if this goes south, it will be my fault for mentioning it. And if it works out, it will be my fault for mentioning it.
OK, this may have something to do with me being a control freak, but I hate it when my friends get to know each other because in the past, if they ended up hating each other, they both got mad at me! Why didn't you tell me she was an ass? Why didn't you tell me he was a dick? It's bad business all around.
If I hear them doin' it, I swear, I will hang myself from my ceiling fan. Again, gross.
This whole thing has taught me to think before I speak. Now, if this goes south, it will be my fault for mentioning it. And if it works out, it will be my fault for mentioning it.
OK, this may have something to do with me being a control freak, but I hate it when my friends get to know each other because in the past, if they ended up hating each other, they both got mad at me! Why didn't you tell me she was an ass? Why didn't you tell me he was a dick? It's bad business all around.
If I hear them doin' it, I swear, I will hang myself from my ceiling fan. Again, gross.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Lit Like A Connie
A couple of minutes ago Connie came in laughing. She walked in the door and hit the floor...drunk. I helped her up and tucked her into bed before she emerged mere seconds later in her underwear to go to the bathroom...still laughing.
So, I tucked her back in and got her a bottle of water. I watched her do a drunken search of her purse, making sure that she had all her money. But of course, her phone was missing.
So, she gives me the keys to go check her car for her phone. Apparently, I took to long, because she snatched the keys and ran out to her car in her underwear. Seconds later, she came bursting back into the house, phone in hand, and I pushed her back to her room.
Now, as I type, I can hear her puking in the bathroom. This is going to be a long night, lol.
So, I tucked her back in and got her a bottle of water. I watched her do a drunken search of her purse, making sure that she had all her money. But of course, her phone was missing.
So, she gives me the keys to go check her car for her phone. Apparently, I took to long, because she snatched the keys and ran out to her car in her underwear. Seconds later, she came bursting back into the house, phone in hand, and I pushed her back to her room.
Now, as I type, I can hear her puking in the bathroom. This is going to be a long night, lol.
The Reward System
The other day Connie told me that she didn't think that she would have sex with Taji because she actually likes him. Apparently, men she doesn't like are worthy of sex because they are disposable- just quick sex.
If there are other women that think like this, then no wonder most men are COMPLETE dicks! They are getting rewarded with vagina for their deplorable behavior. I swear, every day I get another piece of the puzzle.
If there are other women that think like this, then no wonder most men are COMPLETE dicks! They are getting rewarded with vagina for their deplorable behavior. I swear, every day I get another piece of the puzzle.
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