tony toni tone - anniversary

The 26th of December was our anniversary! Three years! Yay for
us, thanking you for finding my troubled life entertaining!

Resolutions

Every year I set myself up for failure with resolutions, but here we go:

1. Be serious about getting followers for my blogs.


2. Make plans for all the businesses in my head/ brand myself.


3. Visit my grandmother more.


4. Be EVEN more vocal about my love for those that I do love.


5. Save everything on my computer to one of those thingies.


6. Write more in my diary.


7. Go to the doctor.


8. Lear how to drive.


9. GET MY MONEY RIGHT!


10. Print all my pics and start scrap booking again.

This year I feel is going to be different. And not like how I felt this year was going to be different, lol. I feel like these are actually doable resolutions:)

Too Hot for Facebook

I was surfing Facebook last night, as usual, when I decided to Facebook spy on the teen girls that I volunteer with. They have a nasty habit of putting, well, inappropriate pics up and scribbling nasty remarks on each other's walls.
So, I come upon one of my girls and my eyes widened. She was being WAY too sexy. And to put icing on the cake of her way-too-grown up photo, her boy friend comments on the pic and says something like, "Can I have it?" and she is like, "It's already yours." YIKES and GROSS!
She was born in 94, so that explains it all. These 90s babies are crazy, and the girls are in such a rush to be sexy! Their Facebook pages are full of hot and spicy bathroom cell phone pics where they pretend to kiss each other and hug each other by the belt loops. I know this because my sister texts me one of these pics just the other day!
One of the other girls I volunteer with wants me to get her some glamour shots done. She has wanted to be a model for a while, and now she really wants to be one now that her over sexed 17 year old pal has shown her model shots where she is looking over her shoulder at her own butt. She tells me over lunch, "I want to be more sexy." She is 14!
When I was 14 I had dookie braids, smelled a little, and was listening to The Miseducation of Lauren Hill on my portable CD player. I was also a Cadette Girl Scout. I was too busy writing poems about my sad tween life to be sexy. And as someone who just tured 27, I have to wonder, what is the rush to be grown up? And not grown up in a way where you fantasize about having your own apartment, but grown up like I can't wait to have sex and for people to see me naked? I just got off the phone with my Glamour Shot girl, and she explained it to me like so: "You are the old generation and we are the new generation." Ok...WHATEVER THAT MEANS! I shutter to think about myself at 90 with these kids taking care of me. They will be too busy having sex on the lunch room tables at my nursing home to bathe me and change my diapers!

A Curious Breakup

Oh guys, you would have been proud of me yesterday. I put an end to the five year on and off whatever it was that I had with Curious. I was SO relieved! I really just don't want to go into the new year with any Curiouses or Sorta Beaus. They are toxic baggage. Enough already! You either like me or you don't! And if you don't, that's fine. I was just beginning to feel gross, allowing folks to come in and out of my life like I was an old stand by or something! I feel lighter. I am excited!

Bye Train Boy!

Train boy had truly been buggin'! Note to self: don't give out your number when you are feeling bad about yourself.
Sigh.
Where do I begin. After literally the 20th call from Train, I decided firmly that he was crazy and decided to really ignore his calls and serial texts. Here is the result in text message:
Train: Dang ma y u dont want 2 tlk 2 me wats up wit dat
Me: I'm working
Train: (Texts pic of his weewee)
Me: I don't appreciate that, don't contact me again.
Train: (under weewee pic)I hope like this i really want 2 put this inside of & just punish you for ingnoring my calls
Me: No, don't contact me again. Thank u
Train: Fuck u fat ass bitch u r a big ass slob better b glad somebody want 2 holla i just wanted 2 fuck a fat ass woman atleast 1 x just 2 know how ur fat shake
Me: CONTACT ME AGAIN AND I WILL FILE A REPORT ON YOU WITH THE POLICE!
Train: This is the only mutha fuckn way I can get ur attention bitch yall stankn ass ho's dont like when a nigga b nice so im going 2 give u wat u want :)
Me: Consider the police called.
Train: Take you fat FEMA ass back to baton rouge (sidebar: why he assumed I was from there, not sure) ho was sum of fuckin fat pockets that have to come here to polute my city with your bad body order and fuck po po
Train: Fat bitch i don't give a flyn fuck wat do this is not my phone so do u miss piggie
The end. Disrepected yet again by a loser that didn't deserve my time in the first place. Next.

Come on Curious!

Today I got texts, missed calls, and a Facebook chat from Curious, who seemed really, really eager to talk. I haven't talked to him in like three months, true to his usual B.S. Now, he is lonely because of the holidays and he wants someone to phone cake with. As you well know, I am hella lonely, but I have made a promise to myself not to call him or this co-dependent nightmare cycle will never end! It has been like 5 years. If he wanted to be with me, he would have made an effort. Instead, he just calls me on and off to make sure that he can still call me on and off. I am NOT going into the New Year with this.
10:10am: Sup beautiful, how are u doin I miss u
10:28am: Can u talk
9:10pm (text): Call me ASAP plz
Eyeroll. I already know what that's about. If only I had the guts to change my number.

Train Boy

On my bday, while I was feeling crappy about myself, I ran met a guy on the train. He was cute, so I gave him my number. Mind you, at the time, I didn't have my phone, my roommate had it.
When me and the phone were reunited, I saw that he had called me like four tons and sent me tons of texts. This weirded me out, seeing that I had just met him.
The next day, endless back to back calls. Endless texts. And when I stopped answering his texts, he started sending me pictures of himself. Him with his friends. Him at work. Him topless. I'm like, Yikes!
So this morning, he calls me at like 8 am and I am like, "Dude, it's 8 am!"
He is like, "What? The kids are awake."
And I'm like, "I don't have kids, talk to you later."
This was followed by at least three more calls and a bundle of texts, one asking if we could meet up when he gets back to Atlanta and another telling me he has a Christmas gift for me. Sigh. I have been riding public transit since I was a child, and I still haven't learned not to give my number to strangers.

UnAppreciated

The theme of this month for me has been unappreciation.
Do any of us ever really feel appreciated at our jobs? I mean, even when we work for ourselves?
This is the question I am battling with. I feel that in a couple of weeks, I will have an answer.

HOTMUSIC

Is Duke Ellington moon walking, lol? Gave me chills, I love it!

My 27th Birthday

So, at about midnight on Friday, I woke up to go pee and was greeted by a chocolate on my dresser that my roommate Audra made for me. We ate some of it in the kitchen, then I went back to bed.
I woke up the next morning, and Audra offered to take me to The Waffle House for breakfast. On the bus ride there I was informed that because it was my birthday, I could get into the aquarium for free!
After breakfast, we split ways. I had to go meet with my PR client and she had to go to her job's Christmas lunch. I wasn't on the train two seconds before I realized my phone was gone. Sigh.
The next hour was a frenzy of negativity, crying, and panic. I can not afford another phone. So I get to my PR client's. Audra has texted her. She has it. I am relieved.
From there I went to the aquarium but I was in some sort of a daze or something. I should not have gone. The aquarium is a family place, and I was the only one walking around alone. I felt stupid, but I did enjoy the penguins, seals, and the little Africa section. Cool stuff.
My walk to the train station from the aquarium was a nightmare. I thought I was going to cry. The Christmas music was making me sad, the kids playing around were making me sick, and the whole joyous theme of Centennial Park was making me depressed.
Finally make it to the train station and a random man gave me $20 on the bus.
Bought some juice, came home, drank with vodka, went to sleep until Audra brought me some dinner.
Birthday over. I say it went well seeing that originally, I wanted to cancel it. Another year under my belt. Really excited about making it count, just glad the day is over.

20Pause

Lately, I have been really concerned about my mental well-being. Really. Concerned.
My last period was an emotional disaster. I can't even explain how lost and alone I felt and the types of things I was thinking. I tried to talk to Lauren about it, but I honestly couldn't put into words how shitty I was feeling. And then I was like, shocked, because it came out of nowhere.
Then, yesterday, on my bday, while I was walking, I was OVERWHELMED by negative thoughts. I mean overwhelmed to the point where it was paralyzing and hard to breath. I was just eager to get home and cry!
So, I talked to Jamaica about it, and how I think I should try to go and get put on meds because the thoughts were so scary and overpowering, and she told me that she had experienced the same thing and nearly had a break down in one of her government certification classes.
"You don't need medication," she assured me on Thursday. "I have been going through this for a year, I told my dad about it and he's a doctor and he said it's fine. We are all going through it."
But after the birthday breakdown, I was not convinced, and I talked to her again on Friday. She said, "It's horrible, but I'm telling you, you don't need meds. All the girls our age are going through it, it's like menopause for women in their 20s before they hit thirty, I promise."
I have coined this 20Pause.
And if Jamaica is infacto correcto, I feel like I have to be having the most worstest horrifiyingest 20Pause on the books! Yesterday, I thought that I was going to have a panic attack! I mean guys, it was scary, and if this is so common, how come this is the first time I am hearing about this? Yesterday my swing was so bad, I wanted to change my ringtone from "I Love Your Smile" to "Black Hole Sun"! I think I will have to research this, I will let you know what is up for the potential 20Pausers out there.

The Dia Logic

So, I have a girlfriend named Dia who has been single for a long time. And I don't even have the blog space to tell you about ALL of the losers she talked to before she found her current beau. He is literally an answered prayer. She prayed and prayed for a Christian man that would love her an respect her and all that jazz. So, she found one. The issue is that he is a bit inexperienced and can't pick up on body ques on when to kiss her and touch her and all of that good stuff.
I suggested that she just teach him what to do and all will be well. I haven't had a lot of boyfriends, but even I know that men are idiots and you have to teach them everything. She doesn't want to because she feels like he should know and, because she feels like if she teaches him how to be a better boyfriend, if they breakup, he will go out and be a better boyfriend to the next girl.
I couldn't believe my ears! She was pretty much telling me she was willing to be unhappy so that he could be a sucky bf to the next girl in the event that they broke up. Who thinks like that?!

Rihanna - You Da One

This is a cute song. Try to count how many times ReeRee grabs on her
vagine-gine. I counted 6 times.

If I only think about him when it is late at night, I probably need to start going to bed at 6pm.

Beyoncé - 1+1

Very pretty song and video.

There are two things you don't do: you don't use the restroom at a bus station and you don't listen to Adele when you are lonely. Neither are good ideas...I'm just sayin'...

My Thanksgiving in Pictures

So Cassandra invited me her house in New Orleans for Thanksgiving. It was fun, here are some pics!
Me and Cass (my hair is nuts, lol!)

Cass's Dad made gumbo

Cass made shrimp and grits, yum!

Ethan and Gia Tortilla at Harrah's Casino.

Cassandra and TT infront of the big tree at the mall.

TT and the Baby

Cassandra's baby Hannah!

Egyptian Train Boy

So I met this boy on the train going to New Orleans and I think I may have ended it by overtexting him. I texted him twice in our conversation after he stopped responding. So technically, that isn't overtexting. But I was recently informed that you only text after the guy texts you first, no initiating. Clearly, I am new to this.
Anywho, he approached me at the Amtrak station. Said he liked my eyes and I have hair like a queen. I know, I'm a sucker for BAD game, but he seemed nice. He gave me his number. He was in New Orleans at the same time as me. Asked where I was, I said The W, then he fell off the grid. So I texted him to see how his vaykay was, no response. I don't know what I did already, but I'm annoyed. He was cute! Oh well, on to the next disaster.

Nightmare

So last night I had a dream that my mom and her boyfriend Al were lying in bed in a colorful room and I brought them my new baby to see. Clarification: this was a dream baby not a real baby. Any way, I bring him in and Al picks the baby up by the neck and starts spinning him around! I start screaming while my mom laughs. I am not sure I want to know what this means, but I woke up pissed.

Hey God, What's Up?

I woke up this morning, rolled over, logged into Youtube, and listed to "I Need More" by Shakina Glory. I missed God. I have been missing God for a while. I kind of was hiding from him because I was embarrassed about Dreads. Today I decided not to let Dreads take God from me. I have felt like hella lonely because of it, and it has been two months now already. All and all, I didn't like the feeling of being Godless. Let this be my reminder that I need to behave.

I love her clothes and I love her hair, still unimpressed by J. Cole.

Me and PR

So last Thursday marked the event of my first PR Client that I put together. We had amazing sponsorships, and a lot of people came. I was so excited it all went well. Lauren said I pretty much don't believe and that it was going to go well all along. And it did. I am excited for me for pulling it off, excited for my client, and excited about the possibilites this opens for me:)

It's 2 in the Morning

It is 2am and I am on deadline, trying to work while my roommate LOUDLY has sex in her room. I am just praying that I get my stories done, and that God delivers me from the bull shit.

Fasting

I feel like my life has been going a mile a minute lately; like I don't have time for anything. I am hella tired. My eyes have just been rolling, lol. So I decided I would fast this weekend on liquids to just get everything out of my system and start over fresh. Too bad I woke up and had ice cream for breakfast:(

Texts Go Bye-Bye

The other night I was texting Lauren, and my phone alerted me I ran out of space. So, I went to erase one message and erased them all. I wasn't mad until I realized I also erased my texts from Dreads! I know, I know. I said I got rid of his number. And technically, I did. It was no longer saved in my phone. But it did show when I looked at the texts. DON'T JUDGE ME...I'm a girl.
Needless to say, I had a baby panic attack. I actually cried. So, with nothing else I could do, I went to sleep.
OK, so it has been like two months since my thing with Dreads, and I only knew him for like less than a week, but I liked him a lot. And after he ditched me, the only thing I had left of him was his texts. I didn't even know him long enough to get a phone pic! And in my defense, the texts were REALLY sweet, and they reminded me that, once upon a time, a guy like me. Even if maybe he didn't.
Sigh.
The point of the story- the texts are gone. His number is gone...for real this time. I literally have no choice but to move on.

Chinese!

I don't know if you know this about me, but I absolutely LOVE Chinese food! However, after a disgruntled worker set the Family Dollar on fire last year (I wish I was kidding) the Chinese food restaurant next to it closed down. Jade Garden was the Chinese food restaurant of my childhood. When it closed, I won't lie, I cried.
Now, my second favorite Chinese Food Restaurant, Hans 1, opened up a sister restaurant, Hans 2, in an old Church's Chicken Restaurant down the street. I was scared to go there this past year because I remember when that Church's was open, and it smelled like OLD GREASE!
But the other day, my tooth for Chinese was unbearable. So, I went to Hans 2 and had the best egg foo young EVER! I think I am way more excited about this than I should be. But hey, I'm a nerd.

They Sunday before last I went to church with my friend Leslie. She was my only friend pretty much when I was at U of M during Katrina for a semester. She now lives in Atlanta and we went out to the Cheesecake Bistro. Doesn't that cake look amazing!

Goapele - Play (Official Music Video)

Love this song. Love this video. Love Goapele. The End.

Facebook Boy

So last month at around this time this boy sent me a Facebook message saying he thought I was pretty and to hit him up. Problem is, I was crying over Dreads at about this time and didn't check my inbox.
He is cute. I fear he is shorter than me, but he is brown with dreads, you know, my type!
Well, seeing that the message was a month old, I responded immediately, but no response. With my luck, within that month, he has gotten married.

Baby Hair

I was on the train today and saw a mother with her two daughters. All of them were young. The mother looked about 22, the daughter that could walk was about 4, and the youngest one was in a stroller.
Stroller Baby was the one that got my attention. She was an adorable bambina, but she looked VERY uncomfy and angry. I am guessing it was because her mom had stretched the cenimeter of hair on her head into a very tight, oily, microscopic braid. Her hair was pulled so tight that her poor little baby eyes were slanted up to her temples! I could hear her hair snapping at the roots!
I tried to get a picture, but I couldn't get close enough without looking creepy. Just pray that this young mother doesn't rape the child of the little bit of hair she has with her brain pressing hairstyles.

Nipped in the Bud

As I shared with you all recently, I met a guy (nicked Ice Tray) at the UPS Store and really liked him. So, I decided to call him at his job and ask him out on a date.
He said no.
Because he is married.
I am proud of myself for asking, but I am a bit concerned. I really, really hope that I have not developed a sweet tooth for married guys. True enough, I didn't know Ice Tray had a wife, and he didn't seem at all like Dreads. I just hope that I don't see this characteristic in guys and pounce on it, because I can't take Dreads situations for the rest of my life.
He had offered to make me this drink he makes, called "Drink for the house" and I was going to go pick it up last Wednesday. But I decided against it. What's the point of getting myself all familiar when he has a wife. Aren't you proud of me?

Rihanna - We Found Love (Official Video) ft. Calvin Harris

I just LOVE this video!

Holla Back Jimmy

So, I found out this week that Jimmy is dead.
My new roommate Audra said that she saw a smashed cat in the street that matched his height and color and such.
I figured something was up. I had not seen him in weeks! He had not been sniffing around or anything. I was scared to mention it though, out of fear he would come back. I thought that maybe Connie might have sent him away to the kitty hospital to finally get fixed and get his shots.
But that wasn't the case. It is reported that Jimmy was recently seen as road kill.
The good news: no more random bites. The bad news: Audra said Connie said she wants another cat. Eyeroll. I am a true believer that the only good pets one could have would live in a bowl.

I got to work with Bedlam Accessories recently. Look at the CRAZY cool glasses they let me have! Now, if I can only find something, anything to wear them with.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I am hella afraid of diseases: specifically Herpes and HIV/AIDS. And this fear is crippling. I can't tell you just how crippling it is, because I don't want you to think I am crazy. But let's just say contracting these things is on my Top 5 Fears List.

I say that to say this: If I would have known that the event I went to the other night was at a gallary that was currently showing AIDS art from around the world, I probably would not have gone. However, the pieces were gripping. If the point was to inform...and scare...it totally did so.

Love Thy Self

So while I was in LA, I got the chance to meet with my friend LL, and we spoke at the hotel bar about how we don't have, and don't know any women that do have, high self esteem. After a brief comparison of stories, we have found that at one point we did have some, but it was sucked from us by a boy.
Confidence. Self Esteem. I can't say that I have much. I hope that it is something that you kid of ease into with age. Maybe ten years from now, I will be the queen of self love. But I can't see that for myself now I have found that the key for ladies my age, from what I have seen, is faking it until you make it: pretending you are the shit to get through the day and get what you need, and then going home and crying because your real hair is shoot or your boobs are saggy.
I know it sounds sounds sad, but for me, it sounds sadder than it really is. It is just the way it is, at least through my eyes. I just hope to get to a point where I don't need male reassurance and don't care that my but is flat.

I am not sure if any of you are going to be as excited as I am, but I just found out that Absolutely Fabulous, one of my fav British comedies, is on Youtube! I damn near cried last night, going through all the episodes. I love this show! I love the fashion and the jokes and the drugs and alcohol and everything about it! It used to come on Comedy Central when I was a kid, and I had not seen it since. So excited! I know, I'm a nerd.

Wifey Siting...Maybe

So Friday, when I was coming home from an event, I nearly screamed. I swear that I saw Mrs. Dreads waiting on the train.
My heart was racing, I had to take a deep breath. I couldn't be sure if it was her, for I haven't Facebook stalked her in a while. I just know that she and this lady had similar features.
It felt like this woman was avoiding me, but when you are waiting on the train, it is customary not to make eye contact with people.
It may not have been her because Dreads had a car, so I assume she has one too. Also, they live in Stone Mountain. I am not sure if the train goes all the way out there. And, she has eight kids and there were no kids with this lady. I can't imagine a woman with that many kids being able to go anywhere without one of them.
Whether it was her or not, it was still scary. Man, I hope to never put myself in this situation ever again. It's too much.

OK, so this week, I went to the opening of Derek J's ATL salon, The J Spot. You may know him The Real Housewives of Atlanta, where he did Kim's wigs. He's really nice and really, really, chic. You may also know him from his trademark heels.
I also got to meet Chanita Foster from Football Wives. The picture is bad, lol, I know. I took it on my phone.

Ice Tray

OK, so when I got back from LA I had hella packages that I had to mail back to Los Angeles. Why? Long, complicated story.
So I go to the UPS store and was greeted by the two dudes on staff. I don't know their names as of yet, but I have nicknamed Clean Cut and Ice Tray.
I had sooo much stuff to mail off that I was in there for over an hour. It was really a stressful mess. But they were like hella cool and really funny.
So OK, I kind of like Ice Tray. He's cute. He looks like he should have been in NWA.
I saw him on the bus the other day with his two kids. Ouch! I don't know how old they were, but they were old enough to read. The boy had a book. And the girl was old enough to talk.
I am not sure if kids are a no dealer. And I don't know if he is still with the children's mother. First things first- I want to ask him to go to the movies with me. I called the store yesterday and asked for "the guy in the hat", but he was off. I will call again today. Fingers crossed that I don't get rejected.

So, while I was in LA, my editor INSISTED that we go to this place called Tarte. I wasn't really excited about it...until I saw that they serve grits! And not just any grits- grits with bell peppers and bacon in them. YUMMY!

LA Swinging

I am so sorry that I have been neglectful guys. I have been spending the past few weeks putting together a photo shoot in LA for my job. And can I say, it went WONDERFULLY! I am a genius:)Other than working, I got to see my some of my LA homies like Dorothy, Lauren, and LL. I also spent a large amount of time in the rental car with my editor lost in downtown.
Other than that, LA was just as I remembered it: warm, fashionable, and ridiculous. Everyone was super thin and super superficial. As a fat, down-to-Earth girl, I have to say, I was shocked, as always, at how at home I felt in there. Being surrounded by palm trees and the scent of Marijuana seemed to be the pick-me-up I needed:)

7 Up Strikes Again

So this morning I get a phone call at the crack of dawn form a withheld number from a man claiming to want to know if I will allow him to, "Beat that *&%ssy up?"
I hang up, and he calls back again. I don't answer.
I am about 95% sure that this is 7 Up, the loser soda truck driver that sent me a wiener pic.
The other day, a guy calls me and tells me he wants to take me out, but I didn't know who he is. I asked if he was 7 Up, but he said no. I doubt it, because I don't give my number out like that.
I don't want to change my 504 number, because it is my last little connection to New Orleans, but I may have to think about it if he keeps calling me early in the morning. This is like the 4th time this has happened. I will keep you posted.

Tyler the Creator & Lykke Li -- "I Follow You" (Tyler, The Creator Remix)

Again, I love Tyler.

Be Happy With A Frown

So, I am talking to a friend of mine who wants me to feel better. So she is pretty much telling me how she is making herself better to prepare herself for the man God has for her.
I am just listening silently.
I don't have the heart to tell her that God has no one for me because I am officially an adulterer because I didn't respect someone's union.
I know that she loves me and wants me to be well, but at this moment in time, I want to scream in her ear.
Her answer to my mood is to pray. I have this thing where I don't pray when I know I was in the wrong because that is just whack and I don't feel that God appreciates that. It's shifty.
She is telling me to cheer up and honestly, today was a good day, but for the most part, I just want to inhale junk food and watch SVU on Netflix. I think that that is going to be the key to my healing, not getting my eyebrows plucked so I feel better about me.

New Roomie

So, the other day Connie announces that she has found another roommate. It's a girl she works with. I forgot her name just that quick, but she seems like she is going to be nice.
However, just now, she goes on a baby rant about how she wanted a male roommate, which is funny, because she admitted herself that the last dude she tried to get in here didn't want to pay rent.
I politely explained that I have no desire to live with a man before I am hitched, and that she can just let me know when she wants to move a dude in here, at any time, and I can bounce. It is something that I have no desire to even want to try.
Of course, Connie, being the understanding person she is, said that my desire not to live with a man is a personal issue that I "need to get over." This made me smile. Her over desire to want to live with a man sounds like a problem to me. Why are you eager to have a man share your space? That makes my eyebrow raise, but then again, I have "personal issues."
Funny how you can be so different from a person. I am just happy that the newby has a vagina. I didn't like picking up after my brothers when I was a kid, and I wouldn't like cleaning up after a grown man now.

Phone Call Number 2

So yesterday guess who gave me a ring-ding: Mrs. Dreads!
Just as I have made my healing list and feel like I can breath, she decided to hit me up. Sigh.
She called me because I called Dreads. I mean, this lady is on it. Readers, my convo with Mrs. Dreads.
Me: Hello?
MD: Hello, may I speak with Holly please?
Me: This is she. Who's speaking?
MD: Hi, this is MD, Dread's wife.
Me: Oh...hi.
MD: Yes, I'm calling you because Dreads said you keep calling him, so I wanted to call you and see what's up. What, do you need closure or something?
Me: Yeah, that's what I thought I needed. But I'm good now. I erased his number, you don't have to worry about me.
MD: You're good now? Sure? Because I have known this man since he was 16. He does this every now and again. He finds these women. He tells them things. But he never leaves me.
Me: I didn't want him to leave you.
MD: Yeah? Well-
Me: Are you going to come beat me up?
MD: No. I'm a mother. Just because he wants to be a big dummy sometimes doesn't mean I have to be.
Me: Oh. OK.
MD: Well...have a good life! (Dial Tone)
Well, that was that. Dreads snitched on me so she called me. I was respectful, but something about her cool tone made me want to hella start talking shit on a Maury Povich level. This whole thing has made me the type of woman I DON'T want to be. On another note, I kind of like this lady. She's classy. I kind of want to be her friend; although, I doubt that that will happen because of the circumstances. She was in and out of my nightmares last night. I saved the number she called me from. Don't ask me why. I have problems and detachment issues. Don't judge me. Other than that, as far as this situation goes, I guess this is the official end.

Healing

This morning I woke up annoyed and ready to sneeze dreads out of my life. So, I made a playlist to start healing.

Feeling sorry for myself. Eating candy. Sighing. Hmmmmm...sigh....

Death To Dreads

The only reason I had been able to not call Dreads is because my friends have been serial calling me to make sure that I didn't. I had also been trying hard to keep myself busy.
Well, today I had like five minutes of idol time and wanted to talk to him.
Knowing that this was a bad idea I called two of my friends, neither one of them answering.
So, after staring at my phone blankly, I called him. Ladies and gentlemen, my 20 second conversation with Dreads:
Dreads: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Dreads: Oh no no no no no no no no no no no. Be cool...and have a nice day.
Me: OK...bye.
OUCH, right? Well, at least one of us has a moral compass.
However, I got off the phone feeling oddly relieved. My desire to hear his voice was satisfied, and for a split second, I was happy. Then I was sad. Then I erased his number.
I shall wash his stage name off of my mirror. Not sure I am ready to part with the texts though.
It's official again readers. I am announcing for the uptenth time that I am done with men. I think I will go home tonight, maybe I will cry, catch some Law and Order SVU on Netflix, and take Dreads' advice and be cool.

Sorta Beau...Oh Brother

So right after the devastation of Dreads, here comes Sorta.
Sigh.
It isn't that I don't want to talk to him, I just don't have the energy.
In the mental state I am in, I wouldn't be hurt if I never had to talk to a man romantically again.
But here comes Sorta, out of nowhere, just now, talking about how he misses me and wanted to start talking again.
Fantasia did an interview where she said she tried to hack herself because she was tired of men's bullshit. I hear that.
There was a time that I thought that Sorta was gonna be my man. I was really into him and really open and honest with him and he repaid me by having a baby with some club girl while talking to me! And even then, a stupid Holly was still willing to talk to him. And he repaid me by cutting me off and, within the past two years, dropping in and out of my life when he felt like it.
His side of the story: he had stuff to work out, didn't want to hurt me, blah, blah, blah.
I kind of believe him. I want to believe him. He said he wasn't asking anything of me. I wouldn't mind being his friend again and I did miss him. But right now, I am so frazzled from Dreads and work and life that I just want to crawl into a man-free whole at the end of the planet.
I told him I had to clear my head and I would call him back. I don't know. Wish I did.

Hell Week

I have wanted to reach out to Dreads so bad that I want to scream!

I'm not even sure what I would say if I called him and he answered, but I would really like to hear his voice. I would really like to hang out with him.

So basically, I feel stupid because I practically fell for a man that I only knew for three days. I feel dumb because I was so taken by kind words, irregardless of the fact that he was hitched.

A few days ago was the worst day of all. I Googled his wife and saw that she is like this adorable amazing lady. I had never felt so sorry for myself like ever in life, and I have done some dumb shit in 26 years.

I think that I am getting better though. I can listen to my Youtube playlists again. But at night especially, I feel really, really lonely and pathetic. I would sleep all day if I didn't have so much work to do.

P says that it gets better after a month or so. I hope he is right.

The Season for Love

The seasons are changing and everyone is on the love tip.
Typically, I like this time of year, but this time of around, I just want to hide under a rock.
Friends are planning for weddings. Friends are becoming couples. And everyone else is making that mad dash to find someone before the holidays.
Sigh.
I am not in the mood to hear about it or see it or smell it or care or whatever. I don't feel like working or having fun or anything. I just want to stay in my room and watch Roseanne on Netfix and overeat.
Double Sigh.

TLC - Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg

No Cookouts

So I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself, but there was a small light at the end of the tunnel: tomorrow. I'm not sure what holiday it is, but it is one where the Post Office is closed and people cook out.
Well, apparently it is supposed to rain tomorrow, so NO ONE is cooking out. They all cooked out today. Tomorrow was going to be my big escape from my self-inflicted confinement! I was going to wear a summer dress and everything! My friend's mom feels sorry for me and may bring me a plate. Let's hope that goes through. Otherwise, it will just be another Netflix day.

How To Unsuccessfully Get Over A Dude You Knew For Three Days In Three Days

A week ago today I was rocking to The Pharcyde with Dreads the Man, so excited that I had met such a hottie, and three days later, his wife called me to call my little romance quits. Below are just a few pointers on how to unsuccessfully get over a dude, Holly style.

• Dwell on anything that gives you a memory of him, (i.e. music, conversations)


• Don't wash anything with his scent on it, even if what you are not washing is starting to make you itch (blankets, sheets, etc.)


• Sleep with your phone on your face to make sure that you feel the vibration in the event that he calls and/or texts late at night.


• Pray that he just drops by, even though that is HIGHLY unlikely


• Cry


• Feel stupid


• Resort to some type of cyber stalking (monitoring Twitter updates)


• Think of ways to reach out to him that will clearly reverse your healing when he doesn't reply (Facebook messages, Twitter direct messages, clapping pigeons to deliver messages)

These are just pointers mind you. They many not be as counterproductive for you as they are for me.

Jaco Pastorius "Portrait Of Tracy"

I can not listen to this song without crying. Sigh.

Dreads-The Aftermath

So, I am not at liberty to tell you the whole Dreads story because, as with every story I have concerning me and a man, it ended in heartbreak and humiliation. And you may be thinking, "How much heartbreak and humiliation can accumulate in less than a week?!" And to that fair question I would say, "You would be surprised."
On Sunday at a concert, I met the most amazing man with dreads. And it turns out, he was even more amazing than I thought originally. He liked Quentin Tarantino movies. He played every instrument in the band. He was 34 but felt like he was 17- his energy was that fresh. He got kicked out of the FamU band for hazing. His locks smelled really good. He was hella cute. Sigh. I could go on and on.
I guess all any of us need to know is that we are no longer talking. This guy was in and out of my life so fast ya'll I thought I dreamed him! If he hadn't written his name in the dust on my mirror, I would have really thought he was a fantasy. Three days we are taking here. That is a short period, even for me. However, I felt like I knew this dude for like three years, that is how kinetic our energy was.
I keep replaying the last time we hung out together in my mind like over and over and over again to the point where I dream about it. We goofed around and slow danced to Rain by SWV. He taught me that that beat was sampled Jac Pastorius's "Portrait of Tracy". It was a dream night for me, which officially ended with a phone call from his wife.
Siiiiiigggggghhhhhh!
I don't know if it is possible for me to be any more unlucky in love. All I know is that I miss him like CRAZY! I want to see him and talk to him, but that would be disrespectful and isn't going to happen. I can't even listen to my playlists on Youtube because I share them with him and now they remind me of him! I want to be like, "On to the next!" But I think I will be on this one for a minute.

The Return Of Taji

So I am in my room, just chillin', when there is a bang on the door. I open it, and who is it but Taji and Connie.
"Am I dreaming?" I ask.
"Yes, it's a nightmare," he answered.
It's like he could read my mind!
The good thing: he went and got me some juice. The bad thing: I have to go to the bathroom and I can't because I can't potty with a man in the house. Sigh.

Dreads The Man

So, yesterday I left my house to cover the OneMusicFest and returned smitten kitten for a new guy: Dreads The Man, Dreads for short.
I had the best spot in the place: I was right in front of the speakers...yessss! I got there right in the middle of The Cool Kids set (which was awesome) and I was having a blast. After their set, The Pharcyde came on, and this really hot dude with dread locks came and stood beside me.
We begin chatting here and there inbetween songs which was hard to do, seeing that we were on the speakers. All I know about him, pretty much, is that he has a really bright spirit and he is 34.
I had to leave my spot to go to the press area to see if Chrisette Michelle was doing interviews. As I waited on her, I could not stop thinking about this guy. So, stepping outside of myself for a sec, I march back over to the stage and ask him if he has a girlfriend.
He says that he does, but that he had been thinking about me since he left. He gave me his number.
After waiting an hour on Chrisette, I decide it's time for me to make my exit. I can't lie, I was looking around for him as I am leaving, and I don't see him.
So, I text him that it was nice to meet him, and he said it was nice to meet me too and that he was looking for me after the show. Sweet right.
OK, now, about this girl friend. Can you just be friends with a guy who has a girlfriend? Is that allowed? Not sure, I am hoping so. I plan on meeting up with him next week. Hopefully, I can make a new guy friend out of this.

Withheld

The other night I got a call from a withheld number. I answer, and it sounds like another language. I hand up, even though it gave me the creeps.
The caller calls right back, and, after listening closely, I am able to make out the word "pussy" in the rambling. I hang up, realizing I am being obscenely called. Who do I believe the culprit is: 7 Up! Who else?
He calls again but I don't answer. Asshole. That is the last time I give my number out. All my friends get the number from the dudes now. I see why. You don't want a 7 Up situation.

I had a blast yesterday at OneMusicFest! I got to see The Cool Kids, The Pharcyde, and Chrisette Michelle. I had the best standing place right in the joint: chest to the speakers. LOVE IT!

Two girls, some busted tires, and a gas station

Last Saturday night, Tasia and I were cruising to Drake in her Volkswagen when boom! She ran over a median and busted her two front tires.
Luckily we were right next to a gas station. Unluckily, we were in our club clothes and know diddly about cars.
Buts tooted in the air at a poorly lit gas station, of course, tons of dudes offered to help us, and all of them looked shifty. However, an old guy and his wife were nice enough to help us out, changing the front right tire. Tasia figured she could drive home with the other flat, seeing that it was just a "slow leak." Apparently, it's not a slow leak when you can put your fist through the tire.
Some background: Tasia and my's friendship has all the makings of a Lifetime love story. I live in "the hood" (aka: an all black neighborhood) and she lives in Alpharetta, (aka: a predominately white suburb). While I saw us in a situation where we had a flat, she was really scared.
So, after calling all the boys she knew to help us, all of them having an excuse as to why they couldn't help, we decided to park the car in front of the gas station and just call a cab to take us to my house. There was a closed tire shop next to the gas station. We would come back and get it fixed then.
Long story short, the cab never came. Tasia was too scared to leave the car, so we slept in it. My night was filled with people knocking on the window to inform us that we were in a bad neighborhood, including the community prostitute, as Tasia slept like a baby. At one point, I woke up a panic, unable to find my phone, which had fallen in the backseat. It. Was. A. Nightmare.
That morning, I walked over to the tire shop to see that they are closed on Sundays. Of course they were. And FYI, apparently all tire shops are, accept Firestone, which is where her aunt and uncle took us in the morning. I could just feel they blamed me for the whole situation.
Lesson learned kids: get AAA, no matter what the cost.

Recovered

After that a-hole disrespected me with the dick pic and rude texts about my weight, I felt pretty shitty about myself, so I went on an eating binge, gave myself zits and horrible gas, became a recluse in my room while creating Youtube playlists, and moped.
I erased his texts and just sat on my floor, staring blankly at my walls. I am now feeling a whole lot better.
The thing is, I wasn't really mad at him. I had not known him long enough for him to matter. I was mad that I attracted a man that disrespectful and gross. What is it about me that says to guys, "There goes a girl that I can mistreat! Yay!" And how is it that I just can't tell right off the bat what these guys are about?
Having the teaspoon of confidence I have left consistently trampled on after the disaster that is P is just too much. It's exhausting, and I don't have the energy or the heart to go through it anymore. I know I say it all the time, but no more boys. They are truly bad for my spirit

Pads

I don't think I told you all this, but about a month ago I found myself at my neighborhood Target buying some pads. Nothing strange about that, right? However, I found myself perplexed. They have made those damn pad graphs on the back of the bag so damn hard to read that, after 13 years of pad purchasing, I had to ask someone for assistance!
I know what you are thinking: why didn't you just go by color? That is what I usually do. But the whole bag was different, I didn't know what was up. I wanted to make sure I was getting the right kind because, like I'm sure many of you would have been, I would have been PISSED if I got home with ultra thin overnights. YUCK!
Advise to the lady product companies: don't mess up a good thing. I was so irritated, I almost bought tampons! Maybe that was the marketing plan all along...

Looney

I think I may be losing my mind. I keep thinking I am hearing my cell phone ringing, but I'm not. Weird...

Weiner Pics, 7-Up, and Disrespect

The other day, as I was walking to the drug store to get some change, a 7-Up truck pulled up beside me and the driver said I was pretty, he asked for my number. I gave it to him. Mere seconds later, as I am in the drug store, he calls me. I tell him I will call him later that night.
Before later that night comes along he tests me to see if I am single and have kids. I do not reply, for I am working. He follows that text up, with a picture of his dick. Ladies and gents, the texts the morning after.
7-Up: U there?
Me: I didn't appreciate the picture you sent me. Please don't contact me anymore.
7-Up: Can I pay you?
Me: DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE!!
7-Up: Whatever fat bitch u should b lucky I even came at u
So what is the lesson here kiddies? For the umpteenth time, I am over dudes! I keep saying I am, but who was it that said that trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insane? Men don't like me, or they see something in me that tells them that they can come at me sideways like this. I can't handle it! I'm done, through. I have no confidence left from dealing with these losers, and it took years for me to gain it in the first place! I just need time to recover and lick my wounds. Then I will order a husband from overseas.

Tyler The Creator - She (feat. Frank Ocean)

The boy has a problem...I think I am in love.

Rude!

So today, I was walking downtown in an adorable A-line black cocktail dress and flats, headed to a movie screening, feeling myself because I was looking so amazing, when a girl that looked like Lil Wayne is black dress slacks with suspenders and a tie practically screamed in my ear, "Damn, you a bid bitch!"
So this girl happened to be walking with a tall guy and a girl and the girl said, "Don't say that." The she looks at me and goes, "Damn, that is a big bitch!"
Laughter. Walking past me.
These were teens and teens are NOTORIOUS assholes, but, needless to say, there went my mood.
I have come to a conclusion: no matter how comfy cozy I get with myself, there are going to be people that try to test that. Whether it be people I work with or disrespectful little shits on the street. It is just something I am going to have to get used to. I think this whole time I thought it would just stop when I got older because people mature and my true awesome would shine through. But not so. It doesn't matter if you are 10 or 110, people can be dill holes.

Tats

Today, I sat across from a young man on the train who couldn't have been a day older than 19. And he had a tattoo of a pair of red lips on the side of his forehead amongst some other scribble.
He had on a short sleeved shirt on but, from what I could see of his arms, they were tatted heavily with spider webs.
I wanted to scream, "Young man, where are you going to get a job?!"
I wanted to scream the same thing in the face of the young pregnant woman on the train in booty shorts with died blond hair that had a huge tattoo on her neck.
I don't want tattoos myself, but I generally don't have a problem with them. I just think that the 90s babies (and it's always them, because they are crazy) need to realize that Lil' Wayne is a mess and quit it with the really, really visible tats! I mean, your face? There is no rhyme or reason to it. I don't even want my local fast food drive through person to have a tat on their face.
Sigh. I guess I am just old.

Nightmares

Last night, I had two nightmares. You should know that they are horrible, because I remember them both clearly.
In the first one, it was the 80s, and I had live in a group home with drug dealers, girl gangsters, and junkies. In one scene in the dream, the gangsters were making the junkies count crack on the table. I was so scared to live there, I spent all my time with my computer at a donut shop.
As for the second dream, my aunt took me to go look at some projects that my cousin Stephanie was living in and left me there. I had to stay with her until my apartment was ready, and she kept telling me to not get too comfy, because her husband was coming, and because my apartmet wasn't going to be as nice as hers.
I don't interpret dreams for a living, but I think this may have something to do with my lease being up in two months and me being scared shitless on where I am going to live next on my income. Maybe you know or you don't know, I am MORTIFIED of being homeless. Scared. Shitless. I doubt I will have to live in a box, but my subconscious isn't convinced. I will let you know how it plays out.

Not A Pet Person

So Connie hadn't been buying her cat Jimmy food which made him, how can I say, violent.
Three days in a row, I would go in the kitchen to make my dinner, and he would rub up against me and pur and crap. Which grossed me out because he has fleas. Then, when he realized he didn't have any food, he would scratch and bite.
I hate Jimmy.
He is like a baby, and I don't have nor desire kids at this point in my life. He's needy. He's annoying. He brought flees in the house. He gets on the furniture and he runs between my legs. I can't stand him!
The other day it rained and he was gone outside for a couple of days. I was hoping he had run away, but no such luck.
This experience with Jimmy has taught me that I am truly not a pet person.

The Porn Problem

Yesterday, Cinnamon and I were chilling at home and when Connie called us from work. She wanted to know if, while she was at home, we had been ordeing lesbian porn on her television.
Sigh.
First we were using her soap while she was gone. Then it was towels. Recently it was spoons. Now its porn.
The answer to this, of course, is no. I watch lesbo porn on my computer in the privacy of my own room for free. I don't need to go in her room and watch it for $15 a pop! That's silly!
I hate being accused of shit. It's just annoying and insulting. Lesbian porn. I am scared to wonder what is next.

The Run In

So, I was at this event for my job and I saw this girl that looked really, really familiar.
Well, after racking my brain, I remember that she was in my math class in summer school when I was in the 10th grade. She was older than me and really pretty. Any who, these boys were talking about me and they made me cry and she wrote me this really nice letter telling me I was awesome and pretty and stuff. I never forgot that.
Well, we got to chatting. She is super pretty now and works for Alicia Keys and is pretty much awesome. She had really cool clothes and a really cool job. All I could think about was how cool it could have been if she could have seen me and I looked like Zoe Saldana and was like the president of Universal or something.
Either way, it was good to see her.

The Abstract

As a 26 year old virgin, I can say that there are two things that happen as you near 30 with a hymen.
First, you get super horny to the point that you act like a tween. Every guy is hot, every dude is doable. And sure, you don't go as far as to actually have sex, but it's always on the brain. I will estimate that that was me from about 22-25.
Now, it's becoming a little different. Now, it's like an abstract idea. Like the moon or something. Like, I know the moon is real, but it's really far away, and I am never going to go there. I am assuming by 28 I will think of sex like a unicorn- like something that doesn't really exist but would be cool all the same.
I don't know if my new line of thinking is good or bad. I can't say. But I figure if I keep going down this path, by 30, I will just be tired and over it and will possibly be able to maintain my hymen for the rest of my life.
Again, I don't think that would be a good or bad thing, just sayin'.

Estelle - Break My Heart ft. Rick Ross [Official Video]

I heart Estelle. Not sure though about Rick Ross in pink pants...

Miami, Miami, You've Got Style!

So this past weekend I went to Miami to cover the American Black Film Fest! It was so fun! I got to meet some celebs, but my favorite part of going to Miami, of course, was the hotel pool.

Flea Bag

I am being eaten by fleas!
I have bumps all over from them nibbling on me. My skin looks gross!
Of course, Jimmy the cat brought the fleas in here. He is so gross, I will totally not have a pet when I get my own place. He's like a baby that you can't love or something. He sheds all over the place, acts like he runs the joint, and now, he has blessed us with fleas!
So today the bug guy has to come through and spray some toxic gases to kill them. Hopefully, it will work. Because if these fleas get in my hair or in my jay jay, the cat is toast!

Bills, Bills, Bills

My grandmother used to complain daily about the amount of bills she had, and I used to think she was trippin'.
Now, I totally see what she was talking about. I can't open up mail box without there being something else I have to pay for!
The nightmare bill of the month: my power bill. It's over three hundred dollars, which might as well be a million!
Sigh.
I don't want to be one of those people who is drowning in debts, but this is crazy! I never have any money.
If only I were skinny, I would strip.

HOT!

It is so hot at my house that last night I had to sleep naked in front of the fan to sleep.
Any one who knows me knows that I have a MAJOR issue with nudity. I don' t feel like it should be allowed. As I often tell Lauren, we should feel about our bodies the way God wants us to: ashamed and embarrassed.
Every hour I woke up, scared that someone could see me in my room or something, making me more and more aware that I was naked and hot. Hopefully it will cool off so that I can get dressed. But as of now, even having on a t-shirt has me feeling like I am on fire!

UnPretty

As of late, my attractiveness has been called into question. This is shocking to me, because it has always been said that I am fat. I am fat. But I am adorable! I am totally cute.
And lately, people have been giving me the ugly girl speech about how I have a good personality. My personality is A+ put here is the thing, I am also gorgeous!
People are going to have their opinions. On the bus the other day, I heard a man with no teeth say that Beyonce wasn't pretty. But what I don't appreciate is the way people are trying to get me to second guess my confidence, as if my confidence offends them and they want me to rethink it. Check it, it has taken 22 years for me to like myself, and I am just now regaining my positive self image from the P incident. I am really not trying to feel about myself the way I did in middle school.
Ah people, they are sooo full of it.

Cell Phone Pics

So my sister texts me the day before yesterday that she is going to text me some pics of herself and that she wants me to post them on her Facebook page. I get the pics, and they are all these weird cell photos she's taken, posing in the bathroom. They put a bad taste in my mouth, so I told her I wasn't going to post them.
I swear, these 90s babies. If older people didn't live among them, they would torch the world just to watch it born. They are nuts! They don't second guess a goddamn thing! Lil sis, if I was stupid, would have had pics on the Internet of her in front of a shower with her T-shirt fashioned like a bikini top.
The Act Now Think Later...Maybe Generation. These are kids that think that Kim Kardashian is cool because she made a sex tape. The people that Tweet that they are taking a shit and expect you to care. I don't understand what my sister is telling me 80% of the time, and we are only 13 years apart! Just a little over 10 years, and she looked at me confused when I told her that the white lady on The Game used to be on "Sweet Valley High" and has a twin.
Cell Phone Pics. She could tell me the Amber Rose sage from start to finish, and still want to put risque pics online. Not with my assistance.

Fix Me Jesus - Revelations by Alvin Ailey

As you know, I have a wild imagination. So, last night as I
sat in my room twisting my hair, I watched Alvin Ailey videos
on YouTube. I often fantasize that I am a ballerina, lol, don't ask!

The Whack List

So, I am sure that you all have heard about how the powers that be want to renig funding from Planned Parenthood. The lie on the streets is that the dough that PP gets from the government goes toward providing abortions, when it doesn't. Any who, believe it or not, there were women that were down with cutting Planned off. Marie Claire listed them by name in their new issue, so I thought I would do my part and put them on blast on my blog. Feel free to send them disapproving emails.
The House
Rep. Sandy Adams
Rep. Michele Bachmann (Go figure)
Rep. Diane Black
Rep. Marsha Blackburn
Rep. Ann Marie Buerkle
Rep. Renee Elimers
Rep. Jo Ann Emerson
Rep. Virgina Foxx
Rep. Kay Granger
Rep. Vicky Hartzier
Rep. Nan Hayworth
Rep. Jaime Herrera Beutier
Rep. Lynn Jenkins
Rep. Cynthia McMorris Rodgers
Rep. Candice Miller
Rep. Shelley Moore Capito
Rep. Sue Myrick
Rep. Kristi Noem
Rep. Martha Roby
Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen
Rep. Jean Schmidt
The Senate
Sen. Kelly Ayotte
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison

Quick Fast V-Nasty Verse

Listen, I am no Chris Brown. I rarely comment on people's craziness online. But his dude annoyed me.

posted by fuckrareware: she grew up with black people in oaktown all you malcom X and Huey Newtons fags need to shut the fuck up about her saying nigga. God damn its 2011.

posted by hjclay24 (me) @fuckrareware: I like her sound, I think she's cool, but just because she grew up with Black people, doesn't make her Black. Seeing that she grew up in the Black community, she should know how hurtful the word can be and its history. Malcom X and Huey were our leaders, not rappers that exploited our ingnoraces-not fags. Grow up, wake up, and learn your history...nigga.

Not Curious

Last night, as I cuddled up against my fan in this hot ass house, I get a text that says, "Wat Up Sexy?"
My response, "Who is this?"
"Terrence." (aka Curious)
I don't respond.
He texts, "Do you miss me?"
I erase the messages.
Here is the thing, I am hella lonely. But not lonely enough to be some one's backup when they get lonely. I haven't heard from this fool in damn near a year. Please! And had the nerve to text me at bedtime? Talk about trippin'! My new thing is trying to go forward instead of backward in life. Curious is old news. For God Sakes, I met him on Myspace! Slightly disappointed that he thought he could contact me, very excited that I didn't text him back.

The Back Up Beau

All the men in my life are in relationships, which sucks, because I can't talk to them when I want to and when I do get to talk to them, they tell me all about the highs and lows of their new loves.
Eyeroll.
Don't mean to sound like a hater here, but I don't really care if I do.
Somewhere through the course of my life, when it comes to my male friends, I have become like the back-up beau! Like I'm their personal Madame Cleo that is there around the clock to help them with their lives and their relationships. I'm like a shrink that doesn't get a check or something when it comes to these dudes, only for them to not take my advice, and then complain to me a couple of months later.
Truly, I can not roll my eyes hard enough.
This is not cool. This is not a role I want to play for the rest of my life, at all.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Not that I am really attracted to my boy homies, but what is it about me that always puts me in the friend zone? I used to think it was the whole fat thing, but I have fat girl friends that aren't even as cute as me that are engaged. I have boiled it down to me being too cool.
Ladies, being the cool girl in the group is about as much of a death sentence as being the guy bff that the girls ignore because he is "too nice." For what I have found, through surfing Facebook photo albums and examining my friends, is that no one wants to date the cool girl. No one wants to bone the cool girl. No one wants to buy the cool girl drinks. It's all about the obnoxious girl that carries her purse on her forearm and takes pics with her friends at the club in the bathroom.
Sigh, I guess I am just complaining. Ignore me.

There was an event at The Body Shop and they took my picture! Don't I look adorable, lol:)

The Pep Talk

Yesterday night, my friend Sash and I had our monthly pep talk. You know what I'm talking about. The 'girl, you don't need him...the right guy is out there...we will get married one day...no you don't need to lose weight...you should try painting your nails...God has a plan for us....we are fly, damn it!' pep talks that girl bffs tend to give each other from time to time. Although draining, it is a necessity. I know for a fact that if Sash and I didn't have these talks on a regular basis, I would want to check out of life completely. These conversations provide me with the lies that I need to keep moving forward.
Anywho, last night I gave her a pep talk on why it could possibly be reversible that she played off the 'are we together' conversation with her boytoy(sike!), and she told me that I shouldn't stop trying to date just because men suck(bs). And as I was talking to her, pealing potatoes to go in my green beans, a horrifying thought came to me: "Sash, what if we are like 35 still having to give each other these pep talks? What if we are 35 and still are not married?"
And she was like, "Girl, that won't happen."
Lies. But one of those necessary lies you have to tell yourself to do life like, "Child birth won't hurt...you can't tell I've gained weight if I suck in my stomach...I can get my taxes done if I start the day before they are done."
Most of the women in my life over 40, including my mom, are single, and have been single for a LONG time. So the only role models that I have are Kerri, Miranda, and Charlotte, and they were in their 40s before they found true love. And that is fake life. In real life, if you are not engaged by the time you graduate college, dating is going to be a nightmare.
But who needs honesty from their friends? Real life is the truth and a real kick in the face. It is the morning after our conversation and my pep is already wearing off. Perhaps we should go from once a month to once a day.

Kreayshawn - Gucci Gucci

I don't think I'm a basic bitch...but truth be told, if I had the money
to buy Gucci or Prada, I probably would.

Little Nickies

When I went to NYC last month, I was walking through Harlem with Fran and was dumbfounded by the amount of women and girls with Nickin Minaj wigs on- blond, pink, and even green hair! Watching a girl, dressed normally with a platinum weave, Fran goes, "It's another Nicki."

I laughed, happy I was going back to Atlanta, where girls rocked lace fronts.

Clearly, while I was away, this horrifying trend took a red eye to the A. Today on the train I saw a GROWN woman in a black and pink bob wig in her airport work uniform. More shocking than her hair style was that she was able to keep a job with her hair like that.

Question: has everyone missed the point? Nicki Minaj is a character! I watched her little music doc on MTV, and she didn't dress all crazy until it was time to perform or do promotions. Any other time, it was jeans and heels- normal hair. The public's inability to be see this is even more alarming than running into a tween at the bus station with hot pink tracks, believe it or not. Must we take everything at face value??

Well, I guess I should just be happy that the little girl down the street is dancing in her front yard with a teal hair piece on and in not butt pads. Thank God for the small favors.

Running Into Crystal

I ran into a girl named Crystal that I went to high school with at the train station the other day. She lives in my neighborhood, so I see her all the time. But this time kind of spooked me out.
When we were in high school, my now very gay ex-boyfriend dropped me to date her. She is now married to the boy that stood me up for the prom. She has three kids now, including a set of twins by the dude who pulled the prom stunt on me. She works in the cafeteria in a hospitial and pretty much looks the same.
After pieces together how we are connected, it gave me the heebies. I mean, her grandma has Alzheimer's too. It was weird.

So Wadley came to town! We didn't have a lot of time to spend together, but we did go to Atlantic Station for lunch and for ice cream. Then, I took her to my favorite jewelry boutique, where I had to beg her to take this shot. Ah Waddles...until next time:)

I don't know if you knew this about me, but I sketch shoes. Meet my latest creation, yet to be named.

Sesame Street - ¡Hace Calor!

It is HOT is the A right now, and I can not get this song out
of my head!

Gross, Gross, and More Gross

Last night, as I walked down the street, returning from the event I went to, I watched my roommate flee the house with one of her random beaus. Sigh.
I opened the door and the house actually looked smokey from all the fucking that undoubtedly took place. The hallway smelled of hot ass and sweaty vag from her leaving her door open to air it out. Rolling my eyes, I was just happy I was gone as to not hear anything,
So, she calls me to ask if I could go in her room and turn off her lights and close her door. Annoyed, I go to her room to do so to be greeted by an empty Magnum wrapper on the night stand.
You could call my a sexual conservative. I have been called a prude. Lauren calls me a Nana. And I assure you, I am NOT anti-sex. But I do believe it is a private act, you know? I should not be able to hear it, see it, and most importantly, I should not be able to smell it.

Drained!

Lately, I have just been feeling like everyone wants to just take, take, take from me. People have it all wrong. Being a giver, not baring children and bleeding once a month, is woman's lot in life. But unlike cramps, it seems like people's demands on my resources and on me is just never ending. Lately, I have just wanted to turn off my phone and put a pillow over my head. It's like EVERY PHONE CALL is a demand on me.
My brother, Cass, is begging me for my beloved, yet out of commission, E-Machine to rip apart and try to put back together based on a book he checked out in the library! I am spiritually connected to this computer! But does he care? Not really. My youngest brother, Anthony, wants me to help him start a wrestling blog. My sister just consistently wants my attention. My mom wants money. My job wants my soul and strangers on the train want my vagina. ENOUGH! I wish my grandma was of sound mind so I could ask her how she dealt with EVERYONE wanting something from her ALL THE TIME. I know I did, and expected her to come through, every time, no questions asked, and she did. I feel like teaching me how to deal with girl stress is something I should have been taught in health. You know, something I could use, other than how to put on a pantie liner, something I never use.
Until I can figure out how to deal with it, I am going to do the only thing that I know works- eating vanilla wafers with my phone on vibrate while watching the Vicar of Dibley on YouTube.

Ghost Town DJ's - My Boo

This is like my FAVORITE summer song ever. It never gets old.

How Much?!

I went to this event last night and ran into a girl that I met early on in my career. She is hella cool and chill and is always at all the "it" events.
So I start chatting with her. I hadn't spoken with her in a long time. She had on these really cute threads, and, being nosebud that I am, I had to know how much money she made as a freelance journalist to be able to afford such a swanky wardrobe.
She didn't want to tell me. And that is just because girls don't talk about that stuff, not because she is a bitch or something. But, after enough of me pulling her finger back, she tells me that she freelances pretty much for two sources, and she makes like $300 a month for one and $785 every two weeks for the other.
"HOW MUCH?!" I screamed. I swear, I lifted ten feet off the ground. I couldn't believe my ears! $1870 a month, not counting the the odd, irregular writing gigs she gets. Are you kidding! That may not sound like a lot to you out of towners, but a single woman in Atlanta can live on that kind of money. Do you know what I could do with money like that? Well...neither do I. But I figure I would eat every day of the month. I figure I could order a dress at OldNavy.com at the $20 retail price and not have to wait until it is on clearance!
Yet again I have been shown how GREATLY I underestimate my value.

Girl Day

Guys, this past week I was on deadline. I had to turn in hella articles and such, and I have to tell you, it was very trying on my body. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hibernate, but I couldn't, because every night this week I had an event to go to. I just feel gross.
For one, my room looks like something that crawled out of hell. My toe nails have chipped polish on them. My skin feels hella greasy, I am in desperate need of my chocolate mask. There is so much that I need to do.
So, later today, I plan on doing it. I don't know, maybe I won't feel like I'm drowning then. Right now, I feel like I am trying to go to sleep in a garbage dump.

Esthero - That Girl

I am in love with Eshero, and none of my friends will share my love,
so I will just love her alone. Not a problem. It's cool Esthero, I don't
belong here either.

Xavien's Loft

Guys, the dude who threw the cookout that I went to today, Xavien, had the cleanest MANpartment I have ever been in! I felt like I was in a hotel! It didn't even look lived in! I am so used to guys being gross, this was shocking.

Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon duel scene

I love martial arts. I fantasize about scenes like this set to rap music,
lol!

The Pool Party/ Cook Out

My fat foot enjoying the cool water, ahhhh

Kelly and TT

Me, Kelly, and TT at the cook out:)