Daddy Disappointment

My dad texted me to tell me that his vacation was canceled and that he can't come to see me. I am not allowing myself to think about whether or not I think that he is lying or not. I don't think he is, but I don't know. Either way, I am disappointed. I am going to Chicago next month for work. I am pondering telling him I am coming, because that is where he lives. The only thing is is that if I go there, in his hometown, and he doesn't come to see me, I will be pissed, and I have enough Daddy issues without adding being jilted to the list.

Gregory Hines

There is a rodent in our house, and we have no idea what it is. All we know is that when Jimmy, our cat, comes in the house, he goes bananas. The only evidence is that he has our chewed through cabinet foods and in in love with Jimmy's catnip. We woke up one morning and it was all over the kitchen floor.
I have named this rodent Gregory Hines. I think that he lives in the attic, because I can hear him upstairs over my room tap dancing the night away. I wish you could have been here the other night. It sounded like he was auditioning for Stomp with all his shuffling around!
I am just praying it is a little mouse or squirrel or ever raccoon, but not a rat. Rats give me the heebies!! The. Heebies. They are nasty, and ever since that gross rat character on Captain Planet, they have scared the daylights out of me!
Today I have to call an exterminator to get a quote. I am already rolling my eyes. Once he sees that three women live here, he will probably tell us that a bloodthirsty bear lives in the attic just to scare us and get us to pay some crazy fee. And of course, we will pay it. Gregory can stay in the kitchen and the attic. None of us want him in our rooms!

Mixed Priorities

Yesterday, my mom picked me up to take me to an event for my job. I was super happy to see her because she brought me food and I am broke, lol. Any way, I get into the car and she shows me that she has gotten a new phone that was $79 bucks!
It took everything in me not to drop my mouth opens. Recently, she was approved for some government assistant which my family desperately needed. My mom has been unable to find work for the past two years. So she was approved for a stipend, but it is VERY little. I feel like she could have done so may wiser things with the dough, like get my siblings some new clothes or something.
But shockingly enough, that is not what really bothered me. My brother is in college and he was not approved for work-study. He can not find a job. She could be sending him cash, seeing that all last year I sent him $100 a month! On top of that, I am literally living hand to mouth with NO disposable income at all. The week before I get paid, I munch on Ramen Noodles and water, yet I still manage to pay my brother's cell phone bill. I decided that that is a bill that I am going to send her way seeing that she has the dough and I am strugglin'.
Looking at her new, shiny phone, I couldn't believe my eyes. But I didn't say anything. She just brought me food after all and was doing me a favor by dropping me off. I have to find the right time to tell her. Sigh, I know that she is going to make a scene. I just don't think this is fair.

Thou Shall Not Text

When I was younger, I saw the Behind The Music of The Go-Gos. You know, the 80s group that sang "We've Got The Beat"? Well, even though they were really cute, most of the girls in the group were on coke really heavy, and one of them was addicted to heroin. She fell in love, went to rehab, and she said that first weekend that she was home she prayed the whole time. So hard, in fact, that her knuckles turned white. She was pleading with God to help her keep it together so that she wouldn't use. After that weekend she said that she never had a desire to use again. I liken the way she must have felt that weekend to how I felt yesterday trying my HARDEST not to text Faux-Mega.
Texting him would have been a bad idea for a shitload of reasons. One being that I already texted him last week, he should text me so I don't look as desperate as I feel. Second, I don't think he's meant to be in life. Texting him would have been a clear reaction of my hormones. And third, waiting for him to text me would have literally driven me mad!
But that doesn't mean that I didn't want a text from him though. I swear guys, I stared at that phone. I prayed over that phone. I did an Indian rain dance around the phone. I went through my messages and made sure I didn't overlook one.
I found myself pulling a Go-Go and just begging God to dismiss the urge to contact him from my system. I feel that God agreed that the whole sitch was a mess, and that I needed to just throw in the towel. So God, being the peach that He is, occupied my time by allowing me to talk to other friends.
The only difference between me and the Go-Go girl is that when the worst was over, I still kind of wanted to text him. This just proves my unwritten theory that heroin is easier to kick than a crush.

Prada Show

This morning, I went to the Prada website to watch the Spring Summer 2011 show. But I turned the show on mute and watched it to "No Hands" by Waka Flaka, Wale, Rosco Dash. I'm tellin' you, totally different show, lol!

Today I was feeling a little down because of the whole Faux-Mega situation. Gloomy, I walked to my door and opened it, half-hoping to see him there, smiling and being sexy. But I got something even better: a box of 12 of the newest nail colors from OPI! Who needs a man when you can have pretty nails?

Ring the Alarm!

I am not the easiest person to live with I am sure. I talk really loud on the phone, I use way too much toilet tissue, and if I am broke, I guarantee you that I will eat your food out of the fridge. I just will.
But one of my roommates has this cell phone alarm that goes off every three minutes! I wish I was exaggerating! And it is loud as hell! When it goes off, I wake up each time! I feel like it is in my room!
I'm assuming that she doesn't want to oversleep and be late for work, which I understand. But man, put it on vibrate and lay on it! I assure you, you will wake up!
Ok, that was all.

Wouldn't it be cool if you could purchase period undies with a croutch made out of some sort of flexible stainless steel? That way, if there were any spillage, you could literally just wipe and go! Just an idea...

A Week

I woke up, sat up, and looked at the calendar to see if I had any interviews for today. And I saw that today is Tuesday which means two things: that it is buy one taco get one free at Moe's and that it has been one whole week since the Faux-Mega incident.
Guys, this has been quite possibly the most emotional week of my life next to the week after Katrina and the week after I got my first Pap Test! One minute I wanted this guy to come over, the next minute I was writing all men out of my life, then I'd convinced myself I had contracted an STD from a boob lick. The waiting on his return texts, the horniness, the disappointment in myself, the symptom Googling. MY GOD! It has only been a week?! I feel like it has been a month or two! I feel that this is the perfect time to remind myself that I don't know this guy, and that chances are that I probably won't! I hate to be honest with myself, so I had Taji do it, and he told me that the whole thing has no future and to get over it. I presented myself as a hoe for a day, thinking that a first date at MY HOUSE would actually work. The outcome: what usually happens on a first date in a locked bedroom. I wish I had a good friend here to slap me or something.
In this week, I have talked to my friends about this and even Faux-Mega himself the day it happened. And everyone said the same thing: that I am grown. Funny, I don't feel grown. I feel like a10- year-old that was caught doing something she shouldn't have been doing.
I am emotionally drained and clearly not grown enough to do grown stuff...especially on the semi-casual sexual side. I'm too tired to go on with being frantic and replaying things in my mind. I can't let this one slip of judgment continue to make me feel bad. So I declare today on Tuesday that one week is enough. Yet still, it would be really bitchin' if he called me today. OK, OK, I'm done.

2 Live Crew - Get It Girl

I don't know if I have ever expressed my LOVE of ignorant
music. Of all of my favs, Miami Bass Music is the best from
none other than the 2 Live Crew. It's gross, and you can't
help but dance to it, even though it's insulting! Check out the
backup dancer's outfits and dance moves. It's crazy! The girls
look so young and they would be my Mama's age now!

The Bad Idea

Remember when I told you that I was setting up my roommate Connie and my friend Taji?
OK, from the moment that I said it, I knew that it was a bad idea. But it was one of those things that just gets put in the air and you can't take it back! After they saw each other's pics, I got hounding from both ends. Give her my number. When is he coming over for dinner? Sigh. I sat on it as long as I could.
What caused the change of heart? Well, after some mild deliberation, I decided that it may not be such a grand idea to hook up the two most sexually charged people that I know, especially when I live with one! Connie already walks around in her undies. The day that I walk out of my room for a late night potty visit and Taji is naked, peeing in the bathroom, is the day that I just drop dead!
Taji had been texting me like crazy for contact info and Connie had been dropping hints all last week, talking about how much she needed ass. So, kicking myself, I handed Taji the digits, just to come home an hour later and see that they were already talking on the phone.
You all know how much I hate to be a blocker, but I'm sorry. I have NO desire to hear two of my besties smashing! And believe me, if phone cakin' has already occurred, sexin' is on the way.
Maybe I am wrong and this will turn into a whirlwind, innocent love affair. But I doubt it very seriously. Next time I will keep my mouth shut.

Tempted to Touch

I can not get Faux-Mega off of my mind!
I mean, he was just so...FINE!
I was telling Ms. Diana about him, my pool buddy, and she said that my face lit up when I talked about him. She said that I was..."enchanted."
Enchanted. Hmmm.
Guys, all I can do is laugh at myself because I know what he was and what he wanted from me. But he was nice and FINE and had the cutest Southern accent. You know that I love my men tall, dark, and country! And he totally was all three!
I am trying to chill and not over think this but it is soooo hard! Like, I wonder, is he thinking about me at all. And yes, I know the answer to that too. But I want something to become of this.
And not just because I think he is good looking, but also so I can have some type of something with him so I am not left feeling like an emotionally immature hoe that played into a pretty boy's trap!
Plus, a part of me wants to reverse everything- have him over and just be Rated-G to balance everything out so that I have some dignity. I mean, my actions with him felt nice, but not good, you know? I was moving really fast with a boy I didn't know! But on the other hand, I work from home, my roomies are gone during the day, and I am young and cute and single. Who needs dignity?!

P Chattin'

Last night P called me.
We chatted for about an hour or so about his life and his job and his new apartment and his new girlfriend. It was comfortable. I didn't feel angry with him. He didn't say anything to make me mad at him. It was nice.
It was just another reminder of how much I had missed him during our little tiff. And no, he didn't offer any explanation to the whole situation, but I kind of feel like he didn't have to. His being the first to reach out to me, being as RIDICULOUSLY prideful as he is, let's me know that he is sorry. And like the weak, pathetic female I am, all is forgiven.
Guys, I know that we are just friends and that we will always just be just friends, but I don't know, I just feel like I click with him. And not like I click with Brownie and Kinfolk. It's like a different click.
I told Fran that I had once thought I was going to lose my virginity to him and she simply said, "I don't like him at all." That was that.
So as for now, all is happy at happiness house with P. We will see where this goes.

Grown

I pay my own bills. I have now gone on my first date. I am officially too old to be on The Real Word. I almost had sex. I can vote. I mean, the evidence is never ending that I am grown. So why, why, oh why does my mother still talk to me like I am 5 1/2?
Yesterday, while visiting her, she bought a package of cookies and like a fool, I attempted to go back to the pack for seconds and she grunts all loud and scrunches up her face. So I'm like, "Uggh!" That was all that was needed for her to spring into a 40-second attack.
She just started going on and on about how she is tired of not being able to say anything to me and she is tired of my attitude and blah, blah, blah. I just wanted to raise my hand and be like, "Pardon me madame...I'M GROWN! I'll get another cookie if I want another cookie!"
But of course, I didn't say that. You have to respect your parents, even when they are being nuts. Plus, I may be grown, but not too grown to get my ass whooped.

First Date

Last night, I went on my first date, EVER!
I went to go see that new Wallstreet movie and went to the Waffle House with a young man that I met online. He was really cool, even though I was really, really nervous and was essentially stumbling over myself.
It was very clean and nice and innocent- the way that I wish my first meeting with Faux-Mega would have gone. But no used crying over spilled boy. Sigh.
Anyway, I hope to see this young man again. I will let you know what happens.

Daddy Visit

My Dad had been texting me earlier in the month to inform me that he was coming to Atlanta to visit me. I was actually quite excited to see him, seeing that I had not seen him since 2005. I did not grow up with my Dad, but I don't harbor harsh feelings. I am looking forward to chillin' with him though.
Anywho, he is supposed to be coming next week. I texted him to see what date he was actually coming, no response. I really hope that he doesn't renig, but I get a feeling he may.
No matter how old you are or whether or not your Dad raised you, you still feel disappointed when he breaks promises or plans. Hopefully, I will hear from him by the end of the weekend.

Fat Burners

The other night I went to this really posh networking event in the city and it is just my luck that the few people that were friendly enough to network with me were in the fitness field.
The first chick, this really thin lady with big hair who was sucking down h'ors d'oeuvres like they were going out of style, gave me her card and wanted to know if I was interested in her working out with me. Now don't be mistaken- she is not a trainer. She is a lady who likes to work out. She considers herself a workout friend. So she goes, "Do you want to meet up and work out?" And I said, "Nope." Now yes, usually I am nicer to people who come up to me with this crap. But I feel like my stars and moons are realigning, because now they are just getting annoying. So she goes, "Why not?" And I go, "I don't want to." You should have seen her! She looked like she had been slapped!
Now, the next lady approached me with the same crap, but she was pushing fat burners. She has some type of fat burner company, and she saw me and just had to tell me about them. And, after seeing my face, she hurriedly told me she was afraid to approach me, but God led her to. Yes, she pulled the God card. The only reason why I didn't get angry is because she mentioned how she wanted to write a book and needed a ghostwriter, a gig I would be PERFECT for. She gave me two packs of fat burners. I tossed them, but I do hope she calls me about the book.

"Holly calm down. You know what Dave Chapelle said? Every woman has at least on dick they regret? This can be yours!"
-JuJuBee

Just Say No to Hoe

The day after the Faux-Mega incident (the name I have given random nakey room boy) I lied flat on my bedroom floor RIDDLED with fear and remorse. I felt lonely and dumb. 25 years of virginity and I almost tossed my hymen to a man that I didn't love...not to mention know! My head was spinning. What if I had gotten some type of gross STD from this cat or something?
I feel that this is the perfect time to interject about my unrealistic fear of STDs. As a conspiracist, I have to say that I don't believe that they are only sexually transmitted. I believe that Herpes is randomly nesting on a toilet, waiting to pounce an innocent, bare jay-jay. AIDS is in our drinking water, and Chlamydia can also be contracted from walking barefoot. I say this to say, even though I didn't do much with Faux-Mega, I felt like I did enough to put my life at risk, especially when you consider the fact that you can contract Syphilis from sitting bare-assed on hotel room beds.
In tears and heavy with paranoia, I found myself Googling STD symptoms and testing centers. Just two days before this one I was crying because I felt so alone. Two days later I was crying because I was scared I could have made myself sick by being very horny and not being very smart.
This whole situation has got me to thinkin' about hoes. Hoes put themselves in questionable situations CONSISTENTLY! Does that mean that they feel the way I am feeling every day? Scared they caught something? Disappointed in themselves? That has to be unbearable!
It has been unbearable enough for me after my first little tango that I have declared my hoe days over. I am reformed, a hoe no more!
This little incident has also helped me to put some things into perspective. This whole year my whole focus has been boys. Boys. Boys. Now that I have had one, I am scared that I am going to die. Sad face. I will take being lonely over possibly being sick any day.

The Repliers

So I put an ad on Craigslist intitled, "Plus- Size Woman Looking For Romance-25." These are the men that bit on my bate.

Things I Need To Worry About That Are Way More Important Than Boys

• My future
• How I am going to pay my bills
• What is going to happen to my family
• Graduate School
• My Health
• My Spiritual Life (or lack there of)
• The Ozone Layer

The Text

Today, I was lounging around my house, just enjoying my weekend, and I sat down and started going through my phone.
I texted P.
I texted P and he did not text me back.
Worry not, I am not hurt, just disappointed in myself that I attempted to reach out after doing so well.

B.o.B - Bet I ft. T.I. & Playboy Tre [Official Music Video]

I like this video not only because B.O.B is in it and the beat is awesome, but also because of the really cool chunky dancers in the beginning and the girl towards the end that looks ALOT like Stacey Dash.

Violence Against Women

Is it just me, or has anyone noticed how it has become OK to be violent towards women?
I mean, hitting girls, I'm sure, has been a practice since the beginning of time. But it was clear that it was socially unacceptable. Now I feel like, when a woman gets hit, the first question is, "What did she do?" What can you do?!
I was always told by my Mama that it was never OK for a man to hit me. Hence my surprise when she took Chris Brown's side after he straight up WHOOPED Rihanna's ass! The radio airwaves were full of people just sayin' crazy stuff like, "Well...island women are crazy...she did something to make him go off...she should have left him alone...I heard she gave him HERPES!" Everyone seemed to feel sorry for Chris and the victim, the woman, became the villain.
And don't turn on your TV. Every show from SVU to CSI to NCIS features a woman weekly that has been raped, brutalized, and murdered in the worst way possible. And as the case is being solved, it is usually revealed that the victim was a secret prostitute, drug dealer, or con artist, making her attack or murder justified.
But we can also look at verbal or behavioral disrespect. That has become OK too. I followed the whole Tiger Woods fiasco with my mom. As you know, his ex-wife got a HUGE settlement. Anywho, my mom hinted that she felt she was undeserving because she used to be a nanny or something. Um, he cheated on her, admittedly, over 200 times, putting her life in danger! And at some point it went from his infidelity to her being a gold digger from the jump, wanting his money, thus excusing his actions!
Sorry if it seems like I am preaching. I kind of am. I can't put it any simpler than that as a girl, I don't enjoy being dumped on or watching a fellow sister (regardless of race) being dumped on either. But I feel it will only get worst, for somewhere along the line, dumping on women has become a pass time.
That is all.

Ouchie

I have an earache y'all!
It is more annoying than painful. It feels like I have water in my ear, and this crappy dull pain is radiating in my mouth and on the side of my head. I can also hear my heartbeat in my ear which is beyond annoying, although I am glad it is beating. I am sitting here with a cotton ball in my ear like an old lady. I had no idea that anyone past two got earaches.
My mom said I got it from sleeping under the fan which may be true. But I simply can not sleep in this hot ass house without the fan on high! The other night I tried it, and ended up having to sleep in the living room, where, from some reason, it is cool as ice.
So pray for me. Pray that it goes away so I can get back in the pool and listen to both pieces of my earphones.

Miss WishIWasDependent

You know, men and woman alike have made it sound like being a Ms. Independent is a good thing. I can't agree, seeing that I will only have 5 bucks in my bank account after my Internet payment clears. Hope I don't get hungry.
I mean yeah, I like coming and going as I please and not being SUPER annoyed by my family, but there are some points where I just want to stop, go outside and yell, "Hey, I need some help here!"
The other day, while trying to juggle my gym bag, computer bag, purse, and new fan up the hill, I fell...hard. And I waited for one of my brothers to come help me, but of course, one is in school and I don't live with the other anymore. So, I had to get up, dust the dirt off my dress, and drag my belongings to the house.
I am assuming it gets a little better. I am not mad about it or resentful or anything. I like being on my own. I am just PRAYING that it gets a wee bit easier.

Elbow Grease

Good morning all!
I am refreshed and emotionally stable after licking my wounds from the New Boy blow off. You will be pleased to know that I have written him off as a dick, and I am now back on track.
If this little sitch taught me anything, it was that I can actually pull a hot guy. Thus, I joined two fatty dating sites and put up a Craigslist ad. I am going to have to put some elbow grease into finding a man if I am ever going to rid myself of this hymen.
Now, many of you may be thinking of what was the great Craigslist disaster of 2009- when I ended up talking to that dude from Morehouse with a height complex. Yes...let's just pray the dudes I pull this time around are a bit normal...and tall. As usual, I will keep you posted on the progress or lack there of.

Self-Esteem and the Adorable Chub

Yesterday, I was telling Lauren that I wished that I had self-esteem.
I had it once, you know. But it took me almost my whole youth to build it. Thirteen years of self-esteem classes and etiquette courses and learning to ignore rude remarks. By the time I entered college, my self-esteem was so high that I literally thought I was the shit, even though it was clear that I was far from it. But that is the point of self-esteem right?
Anywho, ish happens, and before I knew it, my self-esteem was so low that I felt like I was entering Kindergarten again. I can not believe that something that took me so long to build could fall in like a second! But as I told Lauren, I am not immediately trying to get it back. I don't have the energy to go through the rigorous exercises I had to partake in as a kid to get it. I look forward to maybe being three days shy of my 40th birthday and having my full supply again. But what I would like enough self-esteem not to cry during job interviews or when I realize that I have eaten the last cookie. The bare minimum is what I am asking for folks. Man, I wish it came in a pill.

Blah Day

I am already sad that I have not heard from New Boy. On top of that, I woke up every ten minutes last night because my sinuses are draining. Then, Connie has asked me to clean the bathroom which I truly do NOT want to do.
As I mope through the house sipping on tea I am literally deafened by the self-pity orchestra of violins playing in my head. I just want to roll up in a ball and watch Youtube but of course, I can not, because I have to clean the bathroom.
To add insult to injury, Curious hit me up last night via text. He simply wanted to know what I was up to and when he could come see me. You know, I am BEYOND unimpressed. 1, he has been asking when he can come see me...just come! 2, I feel like I get sent the same old text every two months from this guy. 3, I am just over it. Over. It.
I am hungry. I want to fry myself some chicken but it is so frozen that I will probably have to have it for dinner instead of lunch. The only way my day could be anymore blah is if someone just randomly walks over and steps on my foot. Be right back, I have to refill my tea mug.

The New Boy-Cont.

After meeting up with New Boy yesterday I am confident beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have ruined any chance of hearing from him ever again.
I met him down the street, so that he would not know where I lived, to give him a hug before he went to work. He asked me to take a ride with him and I was hesitant, seeing that everyone I told was convinced he could be a serial killer. But I got in anyway and we road down the street before going to the drug store parking lot to chat. This he did not want to do because it was hot, and I think he thought he was coming over to my house. Which is weird, because I did not tell him that.
Can I just say that I was nervous, primarily because this is the first man that has ever tried to talk to me that was attractive and had something going for himself. I really could not believe he was interested in me because he was so good looking, which I think could have been misread through my body language as not having interest which is not so because I was TOTALLY interested.
We hugged and departed.
So after talking to a couple of friends, I realized that I am prudish and watch too much CSI. How many people really get chopped up and thrown in the basement by men they let in their homes? So I texted him to apologize for the odd first meeting. No response. I text him hours later to see what he is up to. No response. So I decided to invite him over to watch a movie to make up for odd first meeting. Straight to voicemail. Left voicemail. No call back. Texted him to see if he got voicemail and of course, silence.
No need to shake your heads readers. I fully realize how desperate I look right about now.
Tomorrow we were supposed to be going to the movies since we tossed the park idea. I don't feel like that is going to happen. It was going to be my first date! He was so cute! I am kicking myself! Sad face.

Nail Love

Adventures With a Pot Head

Yesterday, Cinnamon and I decide that we both had a hankerin' for Popeye's Chicken. So we go across town to get some, just for her to be so high that she missed the turn to go to the restaurant THREE TIMES! We were literally driving in circles! I have to say, I had never laughed so hard in my life. Primarily because I could tell that she was concentrating and STILL missed the damn turn! It was nothing short of hilarious!

The New Boy

OK, so yesterday while at the laundry mat I met a man!
And apparently, we have a date...on Thursday at one in the morning.
So I go to wash yesterday and I look a mess. I smell a little. I have not brushed my teeth. My hair is platted and I have on a Maxi skirt, so I look like nothing short of some type of plus-sized deranged Gypsy. I put my wash in the machine, and in walks in this dude. He's cute, but not like super cute, so I was able to talk to him. And he said I was pretty and took my number and everything. Even still, I was convinced he was probably gay, because that is the type of man I usually attract.
After he leaves, he calls and asks if I need a ride home. And I did, but tell him no, just in case he is crazy.
Then he texts me when he gets to work and sets up a date which sadly is at the crack of dawn because he works security and doesn't get off until midnight.
Brownie told me to take some mase.
I am not getting really excited because as you know, I am TERRIBLY unlucky in love. He could stand me up or end up being weird. But he doesn't seem crazy, just lonely like me. That I can handle. I will keep you posted.

ALICIA KEYS "Girlfriend"

This video is so funny to me! I was seriously crackin' up watching it this morning. Number 1, I had never seen it before today and 2, Why is Alicia Keys dancing?! LOL, her image has certainly changed. She went from being jealous of your girlfriend to being the chick you don't trust around your boyfriend. Sigh, I hate it when sistahs disrespect each other.

Weird

I went to visit my grandmother today at the nursing home. It was a good visit. She is eating solid foods, but didn't remember my name. However, she was happy to see me anyway...and not too far gone to remind me that I am bigger than she would like.
While she ate, I noticed that a couple of the other older women in the dining hall were holding baby dolls. And not just holding them, but manning them like real babies- holding them tight and wiping their mouths. I'm no shrink, so I don't know what the purchase of this exercise was. All I can say is that it gave me the creeps.

Power Struggle

Last night, Connie banged on the door for me to turn off the light in my room and this morning she just straight up walked in here and turned it off. What is the deal? She wants the power bill to be lower, so she is policing the power.
Clearly, I understand the issue. Who wants a huge power bill? But the thing is that I feel like I am the only one being policed! When she goes to work for her SIX to EIGHT HOUR shifts, she leaves the TV on in her room. Cinnamon sleeps DAILY with her light on, and the window light in the kitchen typically stays on 24/7!
Like I said, I understand the issue, I just don't get why I am working by candlelight while the rest of the house is lit like a candle!
Not cool dude.

Janelle Monae - Cold War [Official Music Video]

The Reversal

These past few months, I was getting used to not talking to P while still missing him. Now that I have spoken to him, that deep feeling of missing him has returned. I am thinking about him more and wanting to call him more. Dorothy was right! Two phone calls, that is it. I am alarmed at how little it took to reverse my healing.

Nail Biter

Last night I went to a slumber party for the non-profit that I volunteer for. It was soooo fun! I brought my extensive supply of nail polish and make-up for makeovers, and was put in charge of doing the nails.
So a young lady in the program in middle school sits down at the table to get her nails painted and her fingernails are almost bitten down to the nub! So I ask her why she bites her nails, and she tells me family issues.
Me being a journalist, that is not a good enough explanation for me. So I push her to tell me more, and she talks about how her mother or father left or died. I can not remember which one, but the existing parent was left not wanting to care for them. So their aunt got custody, but she and her sister feel that the aunt treats her daughter better than she treats them. So they are now about to undergo a custody battle to live with their grandfather...only they have put this in place without really telling the aunt. They don't want to hurt her feelings.
By the time my little 6th-grade buddy had finished telling me her life story, I was biting my nails! Every now and then God introduces me to someone to remind me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
This girl and her older sister are about to become products of the system, and I have spent the past three months of my life crying over a boy!

Creepin'

Today P called me. We didn't talk long. He just alerted me that he called me over the weekend and my phone was off.
I am a bit confused. Our last convo felt so...final. And it is so weird, because I can feel him smoothly creeping back into my life after his self-inflicted, hurtful hiatus and I am not lifting a finger to stop it. I am so embarrassed that I dare not tell any of my friends about it. All I hear is Dorothy in my ear telling me that he doesn't really want to be my friend, he just wants to keep me around so that he has someone in his corner to readily abuse. She may very well be right.
But what can I say ya'll? I missed him when we didn't talk. I like talking to him. But on the same hand, I know that if I give him full access to my emotions again, he is just going to say something shitty again, hurt me again, take my friendship for granted and disrespect me...again.
And then there is that whole love factor. If I had an ounce of dignity, I would nip this because I am very aware that I love him, and no matter how I try to separate that from our friendship, it doesn't work. And I am very aware that he does not feel the same way and that he now has a girlfriend. So the next time he hurts me (funny, I know this is inevitable), it just won't be a hurt from a buddy, but a hurt from a boy I have such strong feelings for.
Guys, I feel so dumb.

Says Erin

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on by your teeth."

The Roots - Silent Treatment

Probation

While waiting on the bus to go back home from the bank I met a young man. He looked like all the boys I went to school with when I was a kid- not that tall, dark, baggy pants. After finding out the hold up with my check, I was in a bit of a better mood. So when this boy told me that I looked nice, I didn't want to claw his eyes out.
I found out in conversation that his boy was 21 and had just gotten out of juvenile detention for possession of marijuana and cocaine. He served 2 years, got his GED, and he now wants to go to art school. He also likes to sing.
I really enjoyed talking to this kid, and I found myself just wanting to give him a hug. And do to occupational habits, I ended up pretty much interviewing him. And he told me about life on Cleveland Avenue, where there are 10-year-old boys that sling crack. He told me about his mom, who doesn't care about him or his younger brothers because she puts all her energy into a man who drinks a lot. He talked about how he and his brothers live with his grandmother, and how he is scared of her dying. He thinks a lot about what would happen if she did, even though she isn't sick- how he would have to get custody of his brothers. He informed me about what life is like on probation.
We chatted until the bus came. I told him that God loved him, because any other Black boy caught with Coke with intent to sell would STILL be in prison. This, he said, he already knew.
I did not catch his name and we did not get on the same bus. I don't know exactly what I was supposed to take away from my chance meeting with him, but I enjoyed talking to him.

Frown

Day two of phonelessness. I have full access to the Internet, and I still feel disconnected.
Early this morning, I took a field trip to the bank to see what is up with my check, and, trying to get out before it got hot, I got to the bank before it opened. Let me just say that I was not smiling. I was sleepy. I was tired. And I was pissed that I was still broke and phoneless. So as I stood in front of the bank, waiting on it to open, I was joined by a dude in gray Dickies and a matching top.
Why is it that when I do not feel like playing some broke brotha always thinks it's playtime? Why can men not read body language? Clearly, all while this dude was talking, I looked like I wanted to punch him, and he just kept on going.
He was stuttering, trying to make small talk. But it was nervous stutter, not speech problem stutter. It took everything in me not to punch this cat!
On top of that, I realized that this same guy had tried to talk to me when I was like 15! I remembered his eyes. They are big. Like really big.
I walked away while he was talking and felt depressed. I'm attracting the same dudes who wanted to holla when I was 15?! For some reason that made me sad.
Once the bank opened he followed me in. Luckily he had a transaction, or I was about to mace him. I'm tellin' you guys, I was not in the mood.

Labor Pains

Tomorrow is Labor Day and my auntie called to tell me that my uncle is cooking out.
Sigh.
Truth is, I am broke and hungry, so my face will definitely be in the place. But as I have expressed before, I have always felt like my family doesn't really like me. This was proven by the Uncle Asshole incident and countless of other occasions where it has been made clear that my extended family just rather not have me around.
We will see how tomorrow goes. My uncle drinks like a fish, so everything should be cool until he gets too-too wasted. I will let you know how it goes.

Matchmaker

For as long as I can remember, I have been a matchmaker. Sadly, I can not say that I have been the best one or had the greatest results, but it is something that I enjoy doing.
With that being said, I have decided to try and hook-up Taji and Connie. Connie, of course, is the roomie, but I am not sure if I have mentioned Taji before. He is my buddy from high school, one of the few boys in my life that I can tolerate. Muslim. Divorced. Has a kid. Hella smart and really, really light skinned? Not ringing a bell? Anyway, he is cool.
The first stage is over. They have approved of each other's Facebook pictures. I have invited Taji over for dinner sometime next week, and I have to say, I am excited about it.
Why would Connie and Taji make a cute couple? Well, they are both cute. They are both short. They are both cool, and they are both REALLY into sex, to say the least. I smell love in the air:) I shall keep you posted. I have a gut feeling that this is going to work out. However, knowing my life, it could also be a complete and total disaster.

Yesterday ended up not being a complete and total garbage dump of a day after all. My roomie Connie and I went to Atlantic Station. She wanted to get a jump start on her fall shopping. Luckily, I didn't have any dough because I saw TONS of stuff that I wanted at H&M. It was Black Gay Pride, so we sat on a bench and watched all the fab gay men walk up and down the strip in adorable summer outfits, some equipped with makeup and a handbag. We split some queso and chips from Moe's, then headed home when it started to get hot. Yes, it was an awesome day. SO glad that I got out of the house!

Bad Morning

I can already tell that today is going to be a bad day because my morning is NOT getting off to a good start.
I woke up to discover that since I deposited my check yesterday, I won't be able to have access to my funds until Tuesday morning, after the holiday. Thus, I can not pay my rent...or my phone bill...or buy food! So on this Sunday, which I had previously planned to be AWESOME, I will just be sitting here in my room broke and hungry and come tomorrow, without phone service.
I called my bank and found out the bank has signed me up for overdraft protection, which I told them I didn't want. I know the game- find a way to charge me outrageous fees. The telephone banker tried to convince me that I could make purchases, even though I don't have any cash. Sounded weird to me. I felt like I was getting played, which also ruined my mood.
It isn't even 8:30AM and my mood has already gone south. To try to cheer myself up, I am watching Alfred Hitchcock Presents on Hulu, but I have to say, I don't see this morning turning around, not unless I open the door to find a stack of hundreds.

Allergic to Negros

Last night I took the train home after going to this event for my job where I was laughed at by two high school girls for no reason. No. Reason.
I said nothing. Not just because I didn't know them and because they were kids, but because I was tired and didn't have the energy or the attire to whoop their asses adequately.
As I have shared with you, I have moved back to East Point, GA where I grew up from Douglasville, GA, a rural area. And I have found that my defenses are now down, you know, the ones I had built to be able to deal with the ignorance I consistently encountered growing up there.
While in college, I became very conscious and Afro-Centric. From freshman year on I have been essentially masterminding how to save the Black community. But yesterday, as I watched these two girls LAUGHING at me TO MY FACE I thought, What am I doing? I don't even like these people! And then, to the soundtrack of their cackling, I felt ashamed of myself. Embarrassed. Saying that I don't like them is like saying that I don't like myself. No matter what I do for a living, no matter where I live, or where I went to college, they are the stock from which I derived. I am the McDonald's worker with the bad hair weave and she, minus the manners, is me. Not sure if this is a good thing. Not sure if I like it. Just the truth.

Sensitive

Last night I called my friend and she told me that she won't be able to talk to me much longer on the phone because she is in medical school now. This hurt my feelings more than it should have and when we got off the phone from a stiff ten-minute convo I felt like I was going to cry. I know, sensitive.

Friends in Low Places

I grew up with a girl named Charnae. For a large portion of my life, I considered her my best friend. But I lost contact with her. She was always changing her number, and sadly, the last time I saw her was at my 22 birthday celebration debacle where she showed up late, came with me and my buds to the Apache Cafe, and was picked up by a guy that was CLEARLY a drug dealer.
The update? Well, roomie said that she heard through the very short ATL grapevine that Charnae is now a prostitute. Sigh. That she hangs out with a girl that I also used to hang with in middle school who is now a mother and a CONFIRMED prostitute. Double sigh.
I wish I could call her. She told me once that she would never lose touch with me because she knew my grandmother's number by heart. But as you know, Granny no longer has a number. She now lives in a nursing home.
I find it so weird how you can start at point A with people and end up in COMPLETELY different directions. There was a time that I wanted to be like Charnae. I wanted to be stylish and have boyfriends and a cute haircut and a bangin' body. Now what? Although I have found it impossible to pray for myself lately I will pray for my old buddy Nay-Nay. It's the least and all I can do.

Today I tried to pray for myself. I bowed my head, but I didn't think anything. I didn't hear anything, and I didn't feel like anyone was listening. There was nothing to say. I feel like everything is...obvious. I feel like the connection with God that I have tried to strengthen over the past year is shattering as everything becomes increasingly more shitty. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to do anything. Overall, I just don't know, and that is just going to have to do for right now I guess.