Raw and Vegan

So earlier this week, Dorothy came to visit me, and, to say that she has a STRICT diet is putting it mildly. This year, I am not going to make any resolutions because I will definitely break them. But I do want to start eating better. So, I went with her to a raw food restaurant. That is basically raw food dressed up to look like regular food. I have to say, the raw lasagna was cool and so were the nachos, but the raw pancakes were a complete bust! They tasted like wet paper. But my favorite of all the meals was the vegan lasagna, mac and cheese, and broccoli that we got from this vegan spot downtown. It was rich and yummy, even though Dorothy said that I only like it because of the noodles. True dat, I do like noodles. Hopefully that last week of eating will point me in the right direction f0r the upcoming year.

New Years!

It is New Year's Eve, and I wish I could report that I was going out with a really hot African model to a really swanky restaurant in a really posh part of town. However, thus is not the case. Yet, by no means do I plan on having a crappy New Year's. Today, my friend AJ, who is in town from St. Louis, is coming over to show me her brand spankin' new baby, and Dorothy will be back over tonight to hang with me. I totally plan on having some black eyed peas and rice already made. Sounds boring I know, but my New Year's Eve is going to be what I hope my New Year in general is: chill.

Underprivileged

It is the end of the month and I am having the SAME end of the month money dramas. After paying all the essentials (phone bill, rent, etc) I rarely have enough money for food for the rest of the month. So, after sitting in my room starving for a few hours, I called my friend, and she suggested I call a church or something and see if they had some food.

So I was directed to this church in my town to go get a box of non-perishables. I look them up online to get the address, and I read there mission statement, which said something about helping the underprivileged.

YIKES! I'm underprivileged? I knew I was broke, but underprivileged? Now that I think about it, what else do you call a person that can't afford to eat? But that word is so...ugly. I have an $80,000 education, and I am underprivileged...and employed?! How the Hell did this happen?

If you need to reach me today, you can find me in my local community bread line, pushing my fellow underprivileged folk out of the way for the last can of Progresso. I need a PT gig...or a sugar daddy, which ever comes first.

The Dress

OK, I am going to a party that's coming up soon and I wanted to wear this dress. I really like it, but I feel like it is WAY to short. I have tried it on for the roomies, and they like it too. Sure, I am going to pair it with a cute clutch, a jacket, stockings,a cute pair of flats, and the inevitable girdle, but the length still bothers me a bit. Lauren told me not to wear it if I wasn't going to own it, but my other go-to black dress has seen better days. Your thoughts? Oh, and please excuse my sloppy room.

Yay!

Thank you for reading my posts for this past two years! Yippee!

Stevie Nicks - Making up close-up

I really like Stevie Nicks. I found this Youtube video of her
putting on make-up and discussing it in the '70s.

My Birthday!

Feef and her little boy took me to Moe's for some KILLER nachoes. This is them being goofy.

So, my friend Tiff from college came over as well. She treated me to dinner at Popeye's. What big girl do you know that can say no to a 3-piece dinner?

So, my friends didn't have any money to get me a cake, so they made me one out of connecting Swiss Rolls together and putting candles on top. We washed down the Swiss Roll cake with some AMAZING grocery store wine. LOL, we've got real class! It was so fun!

Hello All!

I write to you this evening from Vista Verde Ranch in Steamboat Springs, CO!

Unfortunately, I don't have any cell phone reception up hear, but, after a TURBULENT plane ride (which I will elaborate on later, lol) I am happy to be cozy in such awesome surroundings! Gotta run to dinner, but I will totally catch up later!

Thanks Ya'll

I am going out of town tomorrow, and I am pretty sure you all know the drill.
Please pray that I don't have any flight drama, that I sit next to someone nice, and that I have safe travels. Thanks ya'll so muchy!

Les Nubians - Makeda

I woke up this morning wanting to be in New Orleans.

Ho No!

What is being a ho exactly? Is it just something that boys and conservatives created to make women resent their sexuality? Is it what you do or is it how you feel? I ask this because I have recently made two new gal pals. We shall call them...um...Swisha and Sweet. During a convo we recently had, this topic was on the table.
Let me set the scene...we were drinking, lol, drikin' and chattin,' when Sweet says that you are a ho if you have slept with as many people as your age. She has not done that yet...but she is close. She is 25. Let's say that she has been having sex since she was about 19. I didn't get the feeling that she was too proud about this, but just statin' the facts.
Then there was Swisha, a go-getter, who has no problem asking or reaching for what she wants...even if it is a penis. She is a self admitted nempho that has admittedly had sex with dudes in relationships. She's had her weeks when she has done different dudes throughout the week. Whatever. She likes sex, so what? Unlike other girls like her I have met, she is completely capable of being in a relationship and staying faithful. No prob. But when it's over, it's over, and she is back on the market. Now, she will not have sex with just anyone. I got the feeling most of these dudes were friends. If you ask her for sex, she will say no. But, admittedly, if you ask her enough, she will cave if she likes you. I found her candidness, dare I say, liberating?
Now, to many of you reading, you would identify these women as hoes, eventhough you do not know them. But Sweet said something interesting: "I guess I have done some ho stuff, been with a lot of dudes, but I don't feel like one."
Hm.
Shouldn't it always be about what you feel about yourself? Like, if Sweet had done 5000 dudes, shouldn't that be fine if she didn't feel bad about it? Would you say that Swisha is a ho because she doesn't feel bad about her encounters? Is the remedy for being a ho having regrets or showing remorse?
I was once guilty of this type of thinking. But I have realized something over the past few months...I am grown! My friends are grown. Sometimes grown people get horny and have sex with men they don't like or necessarily know, and that has to be OK. I am not saying that we should chuck morality to the dogs, but shouldn't morality, much like being a ho, be in the eyes of the beholder?

Winter Man

No gifts under the tree for me this year everybody. All I really want is a Winter Man.
I am cold. I am lonely. My self esteem is pretty much depleted. And most horrifically, I am broke. I want a nice guy that I can snugglebug with for the season that wouldn't mind coming to visit me...a Papa John's box in hand. And we would only have good clean fun, consisting of him telling me shirtless how smart and pretty and desirable I am. Ugh! My mouth is watering!
I know, I know, I have to tread lightly here. Last time I went fishing for guys, I got a a dude who went back to his girl and an asshole. A very attractive asshole. And yes, I am aware that it was not that long ago that I told you all that I was swearing off men. But I want some attention! Some clean, sweet, kind, no expectations of nastiness attached attention! And I really want to go see Black Swan, so if I could find a boy today and be at the theatre tomorrow, that would be awesome.
Everyone cross your fingers!

Shanice - I Love Your Smile 1991 PV

Minute Man Motions

I was recently at an event with some girlfriends of mine, just chatting, when one of my close homies told me that she had sex with her long distance beau and he came too quick, thus she is dumping him.
Out of the other young women in the conversation, I was the only one that was TOTALLY alarmed by this. What could my homie do with a man that would come quick, as if he didn't have any other good qualities (such as staying faithful thousands of miles away)?
My friend's beau is a really nice guy that thinks the world of her. You can see it in the way he looks at her. But now, because of this oopsie daisy that happened only once in their whole relationship, he has got to go! He has a career in the arts, one that we all thought was really cool. Now, thanks for this minor love making hick up, he is sorry and unemployed and totally out of the running of being my homie's next top dude.
I was the only virgin in this group, which may be why I saw things so differently, but it seems silly to me to toss an otherwise good man because of sex. Not saying that sex is not big and isn't important, but it can't be the biggest or most important or I dare say that that is not a relationship at all. My friends were so adamant about her dropping this dude. I really could not believe it.
I looked at the young Black women around me and shook my head. If sex is a deal breaker, and in some cases not even unemployment and domestic violence, is this why so many older Black women are alone? I mean, these sistahs were serious! There was no changing their mind on this. Are our priorities this jacked from jump?
Maybe their thinking was a result of them being young and horny. Let's hope so. For I would hate to these beautiful, successful women alone years from now, clinging to the same questionable ideals.

The Plan

I think I just had an out of body experience.
I woke up, and I was paralyzed, and it was like I was whispering in my ear. It was so weird...and scary!
What I was saying to me, "Get another job...some crappy job at the mall...save up...study for the GRE...get your licence...really, really save and stop buying crap...you can be in Chicago and at Northwestern by the summer!"
I woke up with Northwestern on the brain. I love my job. I love Atlanta. But living on the floor of my friend's house is not my life's goal. At. All.
Summertime Chi. Ahh...

Last night I went on my monthly hygene product run to the world's most unorganizaed Wal-Mart. I left in a bad mood. Can you believe that the only Always they had were those weird shaped overnights? Eye roll. Now I have to go to the over priced Rite Aid in my Black community. Not looking forward to paying $10 for pads!

Party Pooper

Connie and I had decided two months ago that we wanted to have a New Years Eve shindig. I shouldn't have committed to it then, I know, but I did. It sounded like a good idea and a lot of fun and I thought that it wouldn't be that huge of a financial stress.
Fast forward to today.
There is NO WAY THAT I CAN FINANCIALLY CONTRIBUTE TO THIS AFFAIR AT ALL!
I had to get a new phone and AT&T charged me some random $60 fee that they can not justify that they claim will go away. I get the feeling it won't, and if it doesn't, I don't know what I am going to do about food for the rest of the month, forget feeding 20 people I don't know or like that much.
And yes, I told Connie this, but she is not hearing me. She is like, "OK, just put in $100 or $50."
Assuming that AT&T doesn't screw me, I have less than that to feed myself for the month.
Sigh. I smell a disaster a'brewin'.

Prince - The Beautiful Ones.

This song makes me smile.

Pity Party

I am throwing myself a pity party tonight and you are all invited!
If you come by my house, bring alcohol and your index of sob stories about how some dude did you wrong.
Hurry up and get here before I choke on my tears and pass out from an emotional overdose. I give myself 20 minutes.

Emotional Owie

It's cold and I'm lonely and my phone is broken (when I call people or when they call me they can't hear me on the other end) so I texted Faux Mega just to have something to do. The text read, "Yo."
He texts back. "What up! Who is this?"
Ouch! He erased my number? Yikes!
So I text. "Did you get a new phone?"
His response, "No..."
I then ask, "What are you doing?"
He says, "Watching the game. U?" He has no idea who is texting.
I put my phone down. There is nothing left to say I guess. I am quite ashamed in myself for soliciting the company of a man that so blatantly disrespected me and ignited something in myself that made me feel cool with disrespecting myself because he was cute. But hey, I take full responsibility. Such is the reality of a lonely, desperate girl. Peace on that.

Day Out

Today I went out to eat with boy I went on date with. We went to the Golden Corral for lunch and stayed there and stuffed our faces until dinner time. We talked and we laughed. Then we went to Borders and read bits and pieces of the new Jay-Z book. He gave me a copy of the new Kanye CD. It was fun.
Unfortunately, we had the nail in the coffin talk. He told me that he and his ex are talking about getting back together, which is fine. Whatever. I feel kind of sad though because I like him and because today will probably be the last time that we hang out. If I were his ex, I would not dig him having lunch with some chick he met online.
Yeah, definitely feeling a little sad.

Holly and the HIV Test

So today I went to the HIV clinic to partake in free testing for World AIDS Day. This guy doctor calls me back to his office that is literally wall to wall condoms and fake wieners. So he asks me all these questions, and, being a good patient, I answered them all honestly. He then tells me that he can not test me because I am not at risk of infection!
Double blink. I go, "Wait, are you refusing to test me?"
He tells me to wait there while he goes to talk to his boss. He then comes back and asks me if I shoot up. I tell him no and he tells me, again, that he can not test me.
Guys, it was COLD in the A today. With a skirt on and a thin sweater, I walked against ARCTIC WINDS and amid TERRIBLE downtown traffic and begging junkies to do my part as a responsible young citizen, timidly entering the dating world, to be told by a health care professional, specializing in HIV/AIDS, that I could not be tested.
Why? Well, the CDC has some type of guideline that says that they will only flip the bill for free testing for people that are at risk. If he tested me, he put himself at risk of losing his job and the nonprofit at risk of losing its funding.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?!
So we sat there in silence for a second before I said, "No seriously, test me." And he was like, "No."
As he escorted me to the door, I have to say, I was pissed! Who has ever heard of someone being denied an HIV test?
One, women lie all the time. They go to the doctor and say that they are angels just because they have been sluts and don't want to be judged. What if I was that woman and got turned away like I did today? Think of all the folks I could have infected!
On top of that, I am a young Black woman. They say that we are getting infected at alarming numbers. You would think they would want to test me no matter what I said!
What a draining day! Let's get three snaps for being responsible.

Holly and the Clinic Lady

I am sitting today at home and I can not focus to do my work because I keep thinking about a lady that I met today at the HIV clinic.
As you know, today is World Aids Day, so I went down to the clinic to get tested, and I was directed to a waiting room to fill out paper work. What a nightmare! There were only two women in there and they were crying! One left to get her results so I sat next to the other crying lady and she made me start tearing up.
She said she was scared. I asked her if her boyfriend had HIV and she said no, but that she didn't know for sure. So I rubbed her shoulders until they called her to get her results. About five minutes later I hear her from outside rejoicing. She goes, "Yes, I promise God, Imma get my shit together!"
I am assuming from that that she was negative, but I just keep seeing her crying. I say that to say, sex is not worth your life, which I have known forever, but I guess I just needed a refresher, which is why I am guessing I came across her today. So I have come to a conclusion: being alone is also better than being on the verge of death. So today, on World Aids Day 2010, I officially swear off men. They are all liars and dirty and promiscuous and I don't want any of them to make me sick. I am quitting the game before I even start because I never, ever want to be the clinic lady. Ever.

World AIDS Day

Remember, tomorrow is World AIDS Day, so take advantage of this and find a local program doing free testing in your neighborhood. I plan on doing so thru AID Atlanta. Watch the AID Atlanta staff talk about why World AIDS Day is so important.

Brownie and the Will

So just now Brownie texted me a series of texts, wanting to know how I did my will. I just wrote one. Bigger question, why does he need to know? I hope he's not dying or sick or something. He is one of my best friends. I would really be horrible if he croaked.

The Cleansing

I have been in a mood lately where I want to clean things. I think that this is because my life just feels like a complete mess, and the only thing that I can clear up in it at this point is my bathroom and the food containers in my room. I just feel heavy, you know? Weighted down. And last night it crossed my mind that the ultimate clean up high would be my phone.
I have blogged about this before. It is impossible for me to get rid of numbers! I was looking through my phone today and saw names that I don't know anymore- numbers from folks who were in my college study groups. They have to go. But upon sitting here silently and reflecting to a Janelle Monae soundtrack, it dawned on me why I just can't delete: I will have to come to terms with being alone.
If I erase all the nobody numbers in my phone, I will only have like 20 numbers left, as opposed to 250. And yes, that 20 will be the people I love, but still. They are all busy and working and in school and being progressive- I kind of like holding on to my fantasy that 250 people I can't remember give a shit about me.
And yes, I know that this is unhealthy. These imaginary friends have to go. I just don't know if it will help me feel lighter or just more alone. That is left to be seen, but it's gotta be done. I will keep you posted.

Today

Today I am feeling weird. I had a good sleep, but I feel a little sad. A little melancholy. I feel like I miss somebody, but I don't know who or why or what. I am a little disappointed in some of my recent decisions regarding my personal life, and simply beside my self due to what is my non-progressing career. Goal of the week: forgive myself for some of my un-pure thoughts and take active steps to not put myself in questionable situations; start taking more progressive steps to get where I want to be and stop allowing minor set backs to send me into a whirlwind depression. Not everything is going to go my way. Gotta keep my eyes on the prize. I feel like during the week, I am going to have to read this post more than once.

'Lique, K.T.'s newly lesbian lesbian girlfriend's advice on oral hygene

'Lique on steps pre-falacio: "Wash it. They'll love it. It's like washing a piece a fruit. You wouldn't put a piece of fruit in your mouth without washing it first."

Faux Pas

Ok, so the other day Faux Mega came over.
It has taken me a minute to blog about it because I really don't know what to say...or how I want to say it...
Look, I know that I said a while back that I was disconnecting...erasing his number and such. And I did...but I saved this text he sent me, extracted his number, and saved it again. PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME! Any way, he is the hottest dude I have ever dealt with, and I have been dying to get him back to my house. And not for a replay of the last visit, oddly enough, but to have a nice, G-Rated visit where we talked and got to know each other and all that sweet girly stuff.
Sigh.
Let me just say that I am a dumb ass.
He sent me two texts and after those two text, sent before he arrived at my door, I was still thinking that he really may want to get to know me and be my friend.
Text 1(sent after I said he could come over): Cool...u think you ready for this d*&k?
Text 2 (sent when he was in route): Hey! Just leavin...u ready to swallow this stick? Lol
Then, once he got here, he watched some sort of football thingy on his laptop and ate chicken from Popeyes, not offering to share! But all was forgiven because, in my room, was this gorgeous, chocolaty man!
The nails in the coffin? Well, I talked to him about his sexual history which, to say the least, is extensive. EXTENSIVE! When we first met, he told me he had a steady girlfriend in college. I found out on this latest visit that this was true...until she dumped him for religiously cheating on her!
But hey, the past is the past. I was willing to roll with it still, until he told me that he religiously has sex with the mothers of the little boys that he coaches on the peewee football team he volunteers with...WHAT?!
And yet still, that was OK, until he told me that he was quite serious about the texts he sent. This was bad because I have no intentions of blowing anyone...especially a guy who volunteers with at-risk youth just to do their moms! I felt like that was so trife, even though he is FINE!
So we didn't do anything, and he left here in what seemed to be annoyance.
Just to keep my last teaspoon of dignity, I am not going to tell you what I texted him when he left. But I will tell you that I cried the next morning because I felt stupid and was sad that what he wanted was all he wanted from me. I felt stupid for not getting the hint, when it was so clear, and for not telling him that I am a virgin. Maybe if I would have, he wouldn't have been so gross, but who knows if that is true or not.
Will I see him again? Probably not. And even after the clear disrespect and embarrassment, all I can say is that he is FINE!
Sigh.

Thanks Alot

So, it's Thanksgiving again, and I am going to eat with my family at my aunt's house.
The holidays are always uncomfy for me because I don't feel like my family has ever liked me. For the most part, this has always been the case. Now, for that extra pinch of uncomfy, my cousin has invited some of his college friends over. I HATE it when he does that, and I don't understand why he does. You can cut the weirdness when we are all together with a knife! I would never want to expose any of my friends to that.
How can I describe it? It just feels like somebody wants to say something or start something but is hesitant to do so. So we all sit around, sort of choosing our words wisely. Then, add couzo's college buds, and there is this feeling of everyone trying to be nice as to not embarrass my cousin.
Sigh.
One thing is for sure: I know the food is going to be good, even if the company isn't. I will let you know how this goes but I have to tell you, my expectations are NOT high.

Happy Bday

I'm cramping. I feel bloated, and I have a headache. It's that time of the month. Yesterday marked the one month countdown until my 26 birthday. I think I will need chocolate to get through this.
The other day Faux Mega came over here (which is another post entirely) and he said that he wants to be done with grad school by the summer. I wanted to claw his eyes out. I want to be done with grad school. May will mark 4 years that I have been out of school. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything! I could have gone to grad school twice by now!
The most horrible thing about it is that there is no one to blame but myself- dragging my feet because I enjoyed my job so much. But I am officially old as hell, or will be in a month, and I am having a hard time envisioning my future.
I wish I was 18 again, where my biggest issue was what senior I was going to have to pay to go get me a daiquiri. I want to crawl in a circle and stay there all day. The cramps are getting unbearable.

I have come to a point where I feel like my own emotions and desires confuse me. They are unfamiliar to me, and they make me feel like a type of woman that I am not used to being and not sure that I want to be. And I want to talk about it but I don't feel like anyone would really understand the full extent of it, and I really don't want to say anything that will make me look and feel like more of an outsider amongst my friends. I also don't feel like anyone would care. I don't know. Today I feel really alone. Sigh.

Chris Brown - No Bullshit [Official Video] HipHollywood.com

I am so ashamed that I still think that Chris Brown is HOTTT after
the Rihanna fiasco...BUT HE IS!

Just Friends

So Boy I Went On Date With broke it to me, again, that he just wants to be friends.
Eye roll.
Now who is going to pay me attention and make-out with me? I have had a mere taste of male attention, and now I want it all the time.
He is nice and he is fun to talk to, and I guess we can be "friends." I want to be his friend. But at the same time, I CAN NOT STAND THE THOUGHT OF YET ANOTHER PLATONIC MALE FRIEND- yet another guy pal that I am attracted to that will call me for advice about what they should do about the girls that they actually want to be with. That was my role while I was in college, and I am trying to break out of that shell before I am that 50 year old single woman that is a "God mother" to all of her friends' kids because she never met anybody.

Fear Itself

It has been brought to my attention that I may have illogical fears, which got me thinking of the things that I have been scared of just this week.
The other day Connie's cat either scratched or bit me while I was kicking him out of my room. I was convinced I had Rabies. Within two minutes of the incident, I was imagining myself becoming one of the I Am Legend zombies.
I break out during my period. I know, TMI. But I had a gross white head that busted on my face and I convinced myself it was Herp.
Cinnamon gave me a pain reliever for this miserable headache I had, but I didn't take it, even though it felt like elephants were tap dancing on my scalp, because I was scared it was Ecstasy.
Lately I have been forgetting things that used to come easy to me, like the names of TV shows and rappers, which has me scared that I have early onset Alzheimer's.
A recent interview I did with a breast cancer survivor had me afraid that I could have it and not know, seeing that she had it and didn't know until she went in for a physical.
Rightfully so, I am scared that I don't have a future.
I am scared of having a heart attack.
I am scared to sit on public toilets, even though I do it all the time.
I am scared to drink tap water, even though I can't afford to by bottled water.
Yes, I know how all this must sound, but in my mind, these are quite serious fears that I feel are based in facts. Perhaps this should be my New Year's resolution: letting go of fear. I say this but keep in mind, I can't imagine it happening. It scares me to think of how free I would be if my life were fear free.

Power Struggle 2

I have a feeling that my power bill is going to be super high.
I wake up randomly, to get water or go to the bathroom or whatever, and I see lights on while everyone is asleep. I don't know how long they have been on or what! But what I do know is this: if that bill is crazy I will not pay it. My credit is already in the shits and I am the queen of doing this on principle. I have no problem with sitting in the dark and having to go to Borders to use the Internet to prove a point. What do I look like not having money to buy food because we use light like water? I have to tell you, I am not looking forward to getting this in the mail, but I am prepared to buy snacks for the month that don't need refrigeration if need be.

Holly Get Your Gun!

Ever since the incident when that random dude exposed himself to me when I was walking home form the drug store, I have been thinking about getting some type of weapon. For some reason, I keep thinking about a gun, a cute small one that can fit in my clutch bag with an ivory handle, but of course, I am broke and a klutz. I can't afford a hand gun, and if I could, I would probably shoot myself with it.
Connie has a knife she carries with her that looks like the kind you stab vampires with in movies. It is more pretty than anything. If some dude ran up on her, I can't picture her digging in her purse and being able to stab him before he put her in his trunk.
It would be really kick-ass if I knew some type of self defense, but I don't. I can't kick my foot up more than an inch off the ground, and I have terrible hand-eye coordination.
I am thinking that my best bet would be to get some pepper spray and hook it to my key chain. Hopefully I wouldn't spray myself, lol. It is sad that I even have to take these precautions, but the cool thing out of all this is taking a trip to the army supply store.

Keri Hilson - Pretty Girl Rock

This video makes me smile.

Mr. Jones

Today I was walking up to the drug store to get my Reese's Cups, looking a complete mess, dressed in a red summer dress (it's cold outside), a bulky brown sweater, NO BRA, and a do rag, when I looked to my right and saw my third grade teacher Mr. Jones! Before I could turn my head in hopes that he didn't see me looking terrible he goes, "Hey Holly!" And I am all, "Mr. Jones!"

I was soooo EMBARRASSED! I had a major crush on him when I was a kid. You just don't understand! He was my first male teacher, and he allowed us to have animals and rotten food in the class room. He made learning so fun, and he liked my writing:) He told my mom that he thought I would be the first female president. I'm just sayin'...

The last time I saw him was when I was in high school at the funeral of a classmate that had died unexpectedly. I looked nice that day, but I vowed that the next time I saw him, I would be FINE! Fast forward to today...blah...what a nightmare! However, he looked great. He has dreads now instead of a high top, but he looks about the same.

Just take a good look at Mr. Jones and tell me he's not a total hottie! It takes a special type of man to wear a silver blazer.

Let it be said here and now, the next time I see Mr. Jones, I am going to be FINE...finger crossed.

Hips Don't Lie

Today I caught my reflection in the mirror and almost screamed. My hips are spreading like butter!
I am not a nutritionist, but I am assuming it is because I don't have the money to buy real food so all I eat are Ramon noodles and candy. If I didn't know me and decided to judge me by my hips, I would assume that I had 12 kids already!
This is not good. I literally can not afford to gain anymore weight. But it s not easy, not having the cash to buy food that is worth a damn health wise. Today, for dinner, I had Reese's Cups!
I already know the solution. I have to get back in the gym, whether I want to or not. When I was going three times a week, I did not feel like I was losing anything. But I realize now that I was at least maintaining the weight I was at.
So off to the gym on Sunday and yes, I will be getting in the pool. Hopefully I can nip this hip business in the bud before it gets scary.

OMG!

Just a few minutes ago I walked up to the drug store to get some snacks and this guy calls over for me to come to his car. So I shake my head and turn the corner and he pulls up next to me and he is like, "Let me get your number." And I am like, "Give me yours." And he says something about his phone being off, so I give him mine. Then he asks me if I need a ride home and I tell him I don't. So he says that he is going to stay parked and watch me walk away. At this point, I hightail it to across the street to see him turning around in the parking lot. I figure he is going home, but when I turn around again I see that he is parked, watching me walk.
So I keep walking and he pulls up next to me, JACKING HIS DICK, and he goes, "Do you like that?" And I blurt, "I'm going to call the police," and he drove off.
I really don't know what to say.

Just One of Those Days

This morning I am pissed!
I feel ugly and fat and gross.
Those jeggings I ordered, the ones I was so excited about, DONT' FIT!
They simply will not go up my ass!
I love the material so much that I am now going to have to have them altered. I am going to have to have a pair of STRETCH jean pants altered! I feel like this is a fat girl first!
I have thighs like an X-Man!
My ass is too wide!
Guys, I am having a MAJOR girl moment right now. I spent my disposable on these! The only thing keeping me from crying is that it is too early for me to produce tears!
Somebody come get these jeggings out of my face!
I am over it...

Zara- L.A.

They don't have a Zara in Atlanta, so I took a peak. There was so much leopard print and fur that I felt like I was in the jungle! It was a dream! Sad part though, they tell me that they don't sell ear rings. How else is the chunky diva supposed to partake in cute clotes at a cheap price?

Sleep Deprived

I can't sleep.
It is exactly 4:30 am in L.A. and I can not get to sleep. I am up, listening to bounce music on Youtube. In Atlanta, I would be awake already, making breakfast. But that is not why I can not sleep. I can't sleep because, as usual, I am being a hater.
Something really, really good just happened to my friend. Something good concerning her career. And, as usual, instead of being happy, I am pissed off and depressed.
Why? Well, it seems that people work half as hard as I do with their careers and they are taking off! I work for a place that I love, but they pay me so poorly that I may have to get a second job at like Wal-Mart or something just to pay my bills!
I am so annoyed.
But try to sleep I must do. I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow.

"People"

So the day before yesterday I invited boy I went on date with to come over for some light conversation and heavy making out.
Later, after he left, he texted me and wanted to know what I was doing and if I had finished packing. I told him that I hadn't even started because I was thinking of are day together...essentially. He called me immediately. I was like, "What's up?" And he was like, "Don't text me stuff like that because "people" go through my phone."
"People?"
OK, dude has an iPhone. I don't know a lot about technology, but I do know that he needs like a special code to go through it because I have tried and couldn't. Second, he is 23. Who is going through his phone? His Mama? If I couldn't get into it I know she couldn't. The only person I know who could get into his stuff is a girlfriend, so I asked him if he had one. I knew he had an ex, but silly Holly forgot to ask about the present.
"No, I don't have a girlfriend."
Silence.
"What, you don't believe me?"
"I believe you until you give me reason not to."
Lets say, just for kicks, that he is a boy and that he's lying. Would it be bad if I continued making out with him occasionally? I mean, I did ask and he said no. Isn't that really all I need to know? And yes, that's a bit tryf. I will admit, but it took time to find a good, clean guy to make out with! Yes, I am sure there is something fishy here. But I don't have plans of having sex with him. Does it even matter?

Flight Fun

Thirty minutes into my flight today a man got up to got to the bathroom and then passed out on his way to his seat. I slept through the whole drama. An old lady had to tell me about it on the flight shuttle. Apparently the flight attendant got on the speaker and summoned a medical professional like they do in movies! They gave him some orange juice and that was that.
Then there was this weird lady that I first noticed when we were waiting for the flight. She was RELENTLESSLY picking at her chin hair! I thought she was going to make herself ble ed. Then, when we boarded, she went back and forth to the bathroom twice before we even took off!
Some kind of way, she got moved in front of me. Shereclined her seat on my legs, putting her wiry, gross hair in my face. Then, every time she got up to go potty or move to let Video Vixen go potty, she would step on my feet with the weight of ten men, even though she wasn't fat.
This lady with really bad legs or a bad back or knees or something got on the van. She had to be carried onto the van, and she was not a tiny lady. When some passengers tried to get off the van, she said she couldn't move, and asked if they could move past her. Then she let out a cry that made my blood run cold. She was clearly in pain. How did she even make it on the plane?
I wonder what will go down on the way home. There is always some craziness at LAX.

Video Vixen

Today on the plane to L.A. I sat behind this video girl.
Her hair was died this weird color blond that put me in mind of piss. She had on cute pants, and a cute top, a cute cap, and cute heels, but none of them matched. She rubbed me as one of those people that just like to throw name brands together, whether they go together or not, just because they are expensive.
I think she had to be about 30, which isn't old, but old for a video girl, like 28 is old for a model. She spent damn near the entire flight, from Atlanta to L.A. looking over her XXX rated photos, interchangeably making them her laptop's screen saver. I have, personally, never seen so many bikini pics and ass shots in my life, especially not from so close! Yikes.

Up in the Air

You guys know the routine. I am going out of town early next week and need your magical prayers. Nothing fancy, just the usual. No fat drama. A nice seat mate. An isle seat with an adjustable arm rest. And, with the recent plane drama that has been going on, a safe return there and back; a flight on an aircraft that is not housing cargo bombs or has a hole in it or a bum engine. Thanks guys, and I will tell you all about the trip!

Moooo!

I feel like a total cow. Just a matter of days before I am leaving town, and I feel like I am a ton!
I have been eating like crazy because I am horny and bored and hungry. Really, really hungry.
I don't want to sound like the stereotypical fatty here, but I am sooooo hungry all of the time! I have these cravings that will not go away, especially for sweets. If I do not cool it, not only are my hips going to be like 100 inches wide, but I am going to have zits all over my face!
So tomorrow, I am going to cleanse. I would start today, but I can't. My aunt has offered to take me to Popeye's and I can't turn that down. Any who, I am going to drink tea all day. I heard on TV that Janet Jackson only drinks tea and honey on Sunday's to get rid of access pounds. So, tomorrow I will kick it the JJ way until I stop feeling gross. I will let you know how it goes.

The Return of Gregory Hines

So, most of you should remember when I told you that there was something in our attic. The Orkin man came out and said that it was mice. So Connie, being the soldier that she is, went into the attic and laid some traps. So for a week, everything was everything.
But now it is worst.
I was just in the bathroom and it sounded like a bear was in the attic doing a step routine with a
Transformer! I literally ran from the bathroom to my room.
I. Am. Scared. I don't know what the Hell is up there! I can't even imagine what is up there. I am hoping that it's something harmless like a tap dancing homeless dude and not what I think it is, which is demons. I feel like I am in the plot of a scary movie and, if you've ever noticed, neither Black people nor fatties ever make it to the end of thrillers.

Disposable Disposed Of

I just took the little bit of disposable income I have and spent it on some denim leggings. In the moment of heated passion in the threesome that was me, my computer screen, and my debit card, I convinced myself that I needed them. THAT I NEEDED DENIM LEGGINGS! My checkbook is disappointed in me, but really, the wardrobe options are endless! I don't regret the purchase, but I will not be enjoying the Ramen noodles I will be eating from now until this time next month.

Dear Boys

Dear Boys,
Listen, I know that you are busy doing absolutely nothing most of the time. And far be it for me to interrupt, but do me a fav OK babes: if we are sending each other a steady stream of texts back and forth, don't just stop abruptly. It's rude and it's whack and it's annoying because I'm thinking, Hey, did I say something to piss this dude off? When it reality, you are just getting high or taking a nap or just being a douche. So now my day is blown, contemplating a problem that may not even exist, sitting by my phone brain dead looking like an idiot, just for you to text me back right where we left off three days later like all is well. Texting is cool, so don't make it bad by being a tool. Thanks!
XOXOX With Annoyance,
Holly

Gym Grim

I have been eating lately like food is going out of style, and, seeing that I am already....well...MORBIDLY OBESE, this may not be a good idea.
As many of you know, I recently moved, and I am in a pickle now because my old gym in nowhere close to my new house. The gym that is close to my house is a RENOWNED meet market for buff sexy people. It was hard enough for me to work out in front of the housewives and old people at my old gym. But something has to be done. I feel lazy and sluggish and gross. Plus, the gym is still zapping my membership fees out of my account on the 1st of the month like clockwork.
I know that I am just being lazy, but geez. I don't feel like getting on the bus, getting off, walking to the gym, working out, getting musty, getting back on the bus, and coming home. It just sounds like so much, sigh. But, evaluating my thighs, I think it is something that MUST be done. And if you knew how many pizza boxes have come across this room this month, you would agree.

Pinkie's Furs

Pinkie's Fox Fur

Pinky's Rabit Fur

Mally Cosmetics

Pinkie's Purses

My roommate has a ridic amount of purses. These are not even half of them, just a couple of her personal favs. Thought I would share.

Metalic Michael Kors

Silver Guess

Black BCBG Girl

Brown Coach

Red Baker's Clutch

Pink Coach

Black Gap Clutch

Brown Banana Republic

Annoying Things You May Not Know You're Doing In The Voting Line

• Narrating your whole stay in the line via cellphone to whomever is on the other end. "This line is long man...I am almost there...No, it isn't too busy...Why are they moving so slow?"
• Reading a book or some other type of periodical in the line that you are so into that someone has to nudge you to move up.
• Complaining about the line length when there are people in line that have been there longer than you.
• Not having your ID out.
• Standing so close to the person in front of you that you are literally knee to butt.
• Taking as long as possible in the voting booth, determined to maintain your nomination for voter of the year.
• Showing up at the wrong location, then trying to bully the old lady volunteer into letting you vote.

Calling Off Batin'

So I have decided recently that I am going to stop masturbating. Wish I would have never learned. A friend told me that I was wasting my essence...whatever that means. But I didn't like the way that sounded. Apparently, I should be saving this "essence" for my husband. Sorry, didn't know. Since 12, shutter to think of how much essence I have wasted.
The consequences? Well, I have less energy, which I honestly didn't think was possible. I am hyped up right now on Minute Maid and Swiss Rolls. Out of 10, my motivation is at about a 3. To add insult to injury, I recently obtained the newest Trey Songz CD, which has had me in a horny induced stupor for the past 48 hours. I finally found the will power to turn it off, but I am now listening to Raymond v. Raymond, which may actually be worst. I. Want. To. Smash. Sorry guys. I know you all have had it with my consistant TMI. But seeing that I have called off 'batin', I don't have the energy to formulate a lie that may be easier for you all to swollow.
On top of this, boy I went on date with won't come over and hold me. He has to work or something bogus. I need human contact...that isn't me!
I am only a week or so in, but I get the feeling that this is going to be a very dark, exhausting, long journey. As usual, I promise to keep you posted.

Nightmares

I had a dream that I came home and Connie and Taji were sitting at the kitchen table. They call me in the kitchen and they are all hugged up and I am like, "What's Up?" and they were all like, "Taji's moving in! We are kicking out Cinnamon!" and I was like, "Why?!" And Taji goes, "I need the extra room to use as my closet, you know?" And I just started screaming. I woke and saw that I had been kicking so hard in my sleep that I was knocking stuff over. Interpret the dream as you wish.

Checkers and a Movie

Last night I went to see Saw 3D with boy I went on date with. But I'm hesitant to say that this was a date. I don't know, didn't feel like one, but it was DRASTICALLY more comfortable than the actual date we went on.
Any who, we went to see Saw 3D. To be honest, I stopped keeping up with Saw after the second one, so to come in at 7 was interesting. I will say this, boy was really excited when someone got a limb chopped, and I was annoyed that I payed 12 bucks to use those 3D glasses for there to only be one or two 3D tricks. But it was fun. I was totally happy to be getting out of the house.
Afterward, we went and got food and Checkers and came back to my house to eat. Totally PG. I laid my head on his chest and he went to sleep, but not me. He snores...terribly. He went home after like the third time I woke him up. All and all, a good night.

Who is the HOTTIE in this video???

Occupational Hazard

Today Connie was off work, so we had lunch and went to Party City to look for Halloween costumes. I was shocked to see that it was packed in the place. I was under the impression that the Chrisitians had killed Halloween by now. They were trying hard to when I was a kid.
Any who, the place was packed wall-to-wall with young women looking for whore-ish outfits to wear to the club for the holiday and kids running around with masks on. Connie wants to be the devil, and found this really cute ear, tail, and pitch fork set. I want to be a witch, but, since my head and afro are so HUGE, I could not fit any of the hats.
This is just an occupational hazzard for the big girl. We often have to make our own costumes because there are rarely any available that fit us. So we either show up at the party in a one size fits all mask of some sort or get fed up and don't participate. Some curvies will SQUEEZE into what ever costume comes in an XL, usually the Dorthy-Wizzard of Oz dress. Bad choice.
As you all know, I have been fat forever. As a kid, my granny always put my outfits together because I was too fat for kid costumes and too young to go trick-or-treating as a sexy maid. So yes, I am hip to the Halloween game. So you can only imagine how heart-broken I was as I watched a plus-size teen girl, undoubtedly wanting to be cute for the Halloween dance, being lead to the fatty costume section, which consisted of a weird Pirate outfit and, of course, Dorothy. No Lady Gaga. No sexy cop. Not even a cat suit.
As I left, I saw her heading to the back of the store, the wall of shame, to try on a cheap, not-so-cute Mardi Gras mask. I'm sure she will make her outfit fly, but that doesn't mean being excluded from the Halloween sexiness, the sexiness all chicas looks forward to, sucks any less.

The Perks of Taj

Taji is here tonight, and I am OK.
You see, I recognize that I was being immature and a total hater. I was looking at his involvement with Connie all wrong. I was viewing it as becoming potentially intrusive. I now look at it as a vehicle to get things done.
Just now, Taji put up my mirror. The mirror that has been on the floor since I moved in because I was too lazy to put it up. And as I watched him screwing the nails into the wall, it dawned on me: this could be golden!
You see, right now, his relationship with Connie is really, really fresh. Opinions are still being formed. So he will do what I ask him to do, with a smile even, because he doesn't want to look like a dick in front of Connie. It's perfect!
For example, today I called him and he answered the phone. I know, it doesn't sound like a big deal. But he was at work. Taji minus Connie would not have answered the phone and/ or sent me a blunt text about how he was at work. Not Tonnnie Taji. He answered and was, dare I say, pleasant.
But the window for this opportunity is small, so I need to get all I need done now before they do each other. Once that happens, the jig is up. She will be all attached, and my view of him will no longer matter. So I think I will get started on my list while the window is still open. I need to go to Wal-mart and to the bank.
And yes, I am aware that this is horrible and not nice and bad. I get it. But I am single and need to get stuff done and don't have a choice here. I really don't want to bring my groceries home from Wal-Mart on the bus!

Random Call

So, no later than a day after I was thinking about P, he called me early this morning.
We just talked about nothing, like we used to. It was nice.
And usually, I BS myself into believing that I don't feel anything for him, that I am over him, and that everything is roses. But, today I talked to him about his gf and his wanting to get married soon, and I didn't feel hurt. I wasn't mad. It was weird. For the first time ever, I really actually felt nothing.
Now, I don't know why I feel nothing. It could be because I have other boys to concentrate on. But let's just hope that this is real healing and not a farse. Fingers crossed.

I have become OBSESSED with Uffie!

The Make-Out Make-Up

This morning I walked out of my room and Connie bum rushed me with a hug and kisses on my cheeks. She said she was sorry for the argument, that she was irritated and sick, and she is happy that I am cleaning up more. She has known me for 15 years, and doesn't want us to fight. I agreed. I don't like tension. So all is happy again at happiness house. Yay!

Hater by Blood, Not Relation

As you all know, I often wrestle with the unfortunate fact that I am a hater. But I realized that, much like my breath taking presence, being a hater is not my fault: it's hereditary.
My cousin Steph is engaged. She is gong to marry a guy that, I gotta be honest here, gets on my nerves. But he is a nice guy and he loves her and all that good stuff, so they have decided to tie the knot. I have to say that I was a little surprised to hear the news, seeing that my cousin just graduated grad school, but whatever. Mozeltoff right? Wrong.
When I went to Chicago, she showed me pics of her wedding dress and told me the scoop of where she thinks she is going to hold the wedding. I could not wait to go home and share the news with my family, but when I told them everything, I was met with hard faces.
"She isn't having the wedding at the church?" You see, my grandpa was a minister before he passed...WHEN WE WERE KIDS! Why would she have it there? They also were not too happy with the fact that they are going to move in together before they get married. I thought my Aunty Lara was joking when she asked if they were undergoing premarital counseling.
I sat there with my mouth open. When did they become such traditionalists?! My Aunty G is divorced. My mom has had FOUR kids out of wedlock, and my Aunty Lara is a case study of being a Black single cougar! I have known my family my whole life, and I really was not aware that we had such conservative views.
Then it dawned on me: they were hatin'! My 20 something year old cousin is getting married, and they are over 40 and single. So now I know the source of my problem. I have already admitted it myself. Hopefully now I can get the help I need to get over this sickness.

P on the Brain

I woke up this morning thinking about P. Uh oh...
Don't tell Dorothy...or Fran...or any of my other close friends for that matter. Dorothy reminds me nearly every conversation to call ATT and get some type of parenting plan where his number is permanently blocked. And I can not hint at mentioning him to Fran without her blurting "I don't like him!" So I miss him in silence.
And I do miss him. I miss talking to him as frequently as I used to. Besides being a complete dick, he was really funny and got all my jokes. And yes, I know that it is best that we don't talk frequently. I'm just sayin'...I miss him a wee bit. That's all.
So today, I have to stay busy. If I don't, I will slip up and call him, and in the event that he does not answer, I will just be hurt and pissed off. So goal of the day: stay busy...and put my cell in my purse and put my purse in the other room. Just a precaution taken not to call him...but what will I do when I go in the kitchen to make my lunch?

"Good Night Play List"

Farewell Faux Mega

I am erasing Faux Mega's number.
Why?
I don't like the way he makes me feel. I don't like that after I text him my whole world stops until he sends me one of his bogus one word replies. I don't like that he tells me one thing and then renigs. I don't like that he never has any time to hang. I don't like that I like him so much when I know that I am a fling, at most, to him, and I don't like that he is gorgeous and makes me want to have sex. So he has to go.
Don't rejoice too soon. I still have all his texts saved, so if I want to call him, I could. But lets just consider this a small step in getting my hormones under control.

I woke up this morning and had to ask myself, do I really want a man, or do I just want a guy in my life to serve as a distraction from the shaky relationship I have with the other man in my life, God. You know, how you flirt with a guy to make your boyfriend jealous? Just wondering...

Crazy Talk

So yesterday Connie went off on me because I put her mail in her room. She wants me to now put the mail on the counter...in the same living area that she recently banded me from with the same stack of mail thatwe are supposed to be returning to sender. She claims she has told me not to put her mail in her room before. She is mistaken. Then she curses and yells about how I don't clean up enough for her. Sigh. For about ten minutes, she cursed and hollered, talking to me like a child. I told her I don't talk to her crazy. She says I do. This truly is not so, because, if I talk to her crazy, I won't have a place to live.
Connie is supposed to be my friend. Do what that what you want.
I emerge from this situation mad. Mad that I am not in grad school. Mad that my mom doesn't have a job. Mad that my grandma is losing her mind. Mad that I have a lot of shit on my plate and I come home to get bitched at about mail!
Today she asked me if I was OK, but not sincerly. More like an 'are you over it' OK. I said yes. I closed the door and layed face down on my floor; the life and times of a homeless girl. Sigh.

Herp Face

A couple of weeks ago a girlfriend of mine called me with possibly the scariest story I have ever heard. OK, so she wakes up and sees she has a pimple on her face. But it is all itchy and burny, but she is like, OK, I will just keep my eye on this. The next day it is worst, so she goes to the doctor and the doc says that she Herp on her face. AHHHHHH! But like cold sore Herp, not sex Herp. HSV1. The doctor explained to her that HSV1 is above the waist and HSV2 is below. How did she get it on her face? The doctor said she could have got it from opening the bathroom door after she peed at work. She also shares a desk at work, which is a possibility. So she adviced that she start carrying around hand sanitizer, opening doors with a tissue, and just being careful. Then she gave her some cream for the bump. Good thing she went to the doctor. The doctor said she could have very quickly had bumps all over her face.
AHHHHH! So since she told me this, I have been afraid to touch my own vag, scared I touched some Herp when I went to the mailbox and could give it to myself. I have sanitized my hands so much that they are cracking! It looks like I have been scrubbing them on bricks! As if I don't have enough to worry about, now I could possibly unknowingly Herp myself?? YIKES! And here I was concerned because I kissed boy I went on date with and touched Faux Mega...where I should not have. I should have also been concerned about touching the bathroom door at the mall. When does it end?? From now on, consider me on an even more elevated Herp Alert.

Statistics

Tell me, how many young women really get murdered by going out with men they don't know?
I ask this because some rapper that I befriended on Facebook asked me out to breakfast this morning in a chat message and I said no...even though I am hungry as Hell. I went through his pics. He looks clean and undangerous. But everyone is always talking about these chicks that get sliced by dudes they don't know on dates. If this is not the case, if this is just something scared parents started saying after watching too much Law and Order SVU, let me know so I can go get my eggs and sausage on at the Waffle House.

Medill

When I got back from Chicago, I looked up the Medill School of Journalism @ Northwestern, and I have not been able to close the tab! I love this school...I feel like I need to be there.
I have to say, I am not sure at what point in my life things began to feel unattainable for me, like attempting to reach my goals is hopeless, but this is something I really want, really badly. But I just have to be honest, I feel hopeless.

Blame Game

There is an annoying habit being practiced in the house. It's called "Let's Blame Holly for Shit!"
Just a second ago, Connie busted in the room and tells me not to sit in her dining room chair anymore because there is a stain on it. I'm assuming since I am being blamed she is accusing me of staining her chair. OK. So I am like, "Ok." She now has exiled me to the kitchen, where she also wants me to eat because, apparently, I stain things.
Then there is Jimmy, the cat. The outdoor house cat. She tells me today not to let Jimmy in because he pulled down the drapes. I didn't bring him in in the first place!
I hate being regulated like this, but I have known Connie since I was in middle school. I knew it would be like this. I mean, overall, living with her is cool. But it is her house. The rules and regs just remind me of how homeless I am. This is not my house. Sigh. It was nice of her to allow me to stay here, but that's just it: I'm just staying here. I miss the feeling of home, you know? But I wonder, even if I had my own house, would it feel like home to me since my family wouldn't live there with me? I don't know. I am just trying not to be sad over it.

A Little Too Honest

So I was talking to boy I went on date with yesterday, and the convo was going well, until, in typical Holly fashion, I made it unbearably uncomfortable. We were just chatting you know, and I blurted, "I miss you."
And he was like, "Oh yeah?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
Silence.
So, in tune with keeping things awkward, I blurted, "OK, I'm taking it back. Let's pretend I didn't say that."
And he was like, "How can you take something you said back? If you take it back, you didn't mean it."
And I go, "I meant it, but I'm taking it back because it clearly made you uncomfortable. I feel like I am too honest. I need to know when to keep things to myself."
Then he goes, [Grunt] "You need to learn how to not take things so seriously."
And I go, "Are you telling me I need to chill?"
"Yes."
Silence.
But then he goes, "So...what do you miss about me?"

Sugar Mama

Lately I have been feeling like my moral code has been a bit shaky. Things, ideas- they run across my mind and I am not all together sure that they are the right things to do.
Example? Well, for the past month I have been toying with the idea of posting an ad for a Sugar Mama on Craigslist- an old, lonely lesbian woman who would buy me stuff and pay my bills in exchange for hugs and cheek kisses.
I have attempted to post this ad over the past month tons of times, but I just can not bring myself to do it. I don't want to use anybody, you know? I am just tired of being broke! The only thing I have worth anything to offer anyone is my time. My wardrobe in STUCK in 2008! I need a closet update and my power bill paid. In exchange for my Sug taking care of this, I would like totally chill with her and go out to eat with her and everything. I am not above having fun to take care of my necessities...as long as the fun stays above the waist of course. It's a situation where I feel like everyone would get what they want.
So why is it so hard for me to publish the post? Sigh. Not sure. But I need to get it together. I am not trying to live in the dark, and Winter is around the corner. I need a new coat.

I lost one of my pearl knock-off earrings at O'Hare. I am beyond pissed! People always complimented me on them, thinking they were real, when I had bought them from Wal-Mart! Now I am going to have to invest in an actual pair. Sad face.

House Potato

I have got to get out of my house!!
Between late last night I have scarfed down two large bags of Doritos, a chocolate bar, and a two liter. A two liter! I don't have anything to do at home but work, so I just munch and type all day. True, and I am not the biggest champion for working out and staying healthy, but if I don't get out of the house away from my snacks, I am going to be as big as a house! Literally.
Later on I am going to just go outside and walk up and down the street until I start to sweat. But I will leave my wallet at home, or else I am going to stop at the drug store and buy some candy. Sigh, I need help.

Sesame Street:Song: I Love My Hair

Jilted

So I told you guys FauxMega texted me on Friday and was all about coming to see me. But on Monday, I got back into town and he was busy, so he rescheduled for today. Busy again.
Being jilted is a sucky feeling. You're not sad, you are just pissed off and irritated with a tight face. I'll be honest. I like FauxMega because he is fine, nice, and has a KILLER body. I don't know him well enough, sadly, to like him for any other reasons. But I gotta say here (and I may be being selfish) that I want a guy that is totally dedicated to me- one that doesn't have to pencil me in making out with me in between his physical training sessions. But I still want him to come over...is that weak or what? I really miss the good old days when I had dignity and a remnants of a moral code.

Crush Confusion

OK, I really miss boy I went on date with.
I mean, we text and talk on the phone and stuff, but I miss near me.
I told Lauren that I had started to like him and she asked, "Were you starting to like him, or did you like him being around?"
Good question. I don't know. At all. Honestly, in my mind there is no difference. Is that bad? All I know is that no matter the reason or the source, there is some serious missin' goin' ons. Sigh. Shrug.

Menstrual Case

So I am menstrual right now. I know, I know, TMI, but I am. And I feel that because I am menstrual, my senses are heightened. Today, as I do when I am usually menstrual, I became aware of things that would usually go under my radar.
Today, when I was hangin' out in O'Hare airport, people watchin' and waiting to board my plane, I became vary aware of how...um...huge I am in comparison to EVERYONE around me: the old white lady, the little boy, the outrageously stylish Asian girls, the soldiers in the food court. It was so creepy, that for a second, I felt like I was about to have a panic attack.
What else did I become aware of: the way that strangers look at me. Mind you, I have been fat forever, so people have always stared at me. But it was a stare like, "Haha, that chick is fat." But now, it is more like, "OMG," with children, and "Gross," or "I feel sorry for you," with adults. Again, this could be menstrual me talking, but I felt like EVERYONE was staring at me. Especially on the small little rickety plane I was on coming home. At one point I seriously just wanted to fold myself up and tuck myself under the seat. My seat mate was a dick, looking at me like I had shit in my eye, and the men around me kept giving me mean side glances. I imagined that my head exploded and they each got an eye full of my brains.
Sigh.
I know I am being dramatic. But isn't that all a part of being menstrual?

OK, so what is the verdict on wearing stockings with open-toed shoes? I took this pic of a woman who was sitting in the hotel lobby. I was under the impression that that was tacky, but I am seeing it all the time now. I always felt that if you were going to wear stockings with open-toed shoes, you must be cold, so wear a close-toed shoe. This kind of annoys me, like when women in the early '90s used to wear ankle bracelets under their stockings. Gross. I don't know. Not the fashion police. Just wondering...

The Chi Woman- A Disection

Today I went on a little walk downtown to get a feel of the style of the women who live here. I do this wherever I go. I like style watching, primarily to see if there is anything that I want to go home and introduce to Atlanta. This is what I observed:

• The women wear shades, even though it is not hot or sunny. But I realize now that it is so windy that if you don't wear shades, your make-up will run.
• I didn't see as many ass-exposing minis like I did in L.A. or as many stilettos as I did in NY. The women here are sensible. Cute flats, low heels, sneakers, boots, and loafers. There is a lot of walking. Alot. Unlike NY women, they take that into account when choosing their shoes.
• Scarves and pashminas. Left to right scarves and pashminas.
• Outfits are cute but sensible. Practical. A lot of jeans. A lot of cardigans. Not a lot of over the top style.
• Their hair is simple: sexy and pulled back. Like I said, it is windy.

So what have I learned to take back to Atlanta for the Winter: take it easy. You can be cute in the cold without being strapped in a thick coat or looking to magaziney.

Friend Dumped

I pride myself on being a good friend. I don't want to sound cocky, but it's true, I am. Hense why I still have friends from like kindergarten that stay in touch. And this isn't just me talking. People tell me all the time what a grand buddy I am. So you can imagine how hard it is for me to come to terms with being friend dumped.
One of the friends that I feel dumped me is my girl Jamaica. This pill is hard to swollow, because she has proven to be an amazing friend in the past. But she has gotten a really awesome, yet demanding, new job and, I'm assuming doesn't have the time to talk to me. This kind of bugs me, seeing that whenever she calls me with issues, I am there to listen, always available, no matter what I am doing. Why? Because I am a good friend. She just continuously jilts me. Whenever I call, she does not answer. And the other day, when she did answer, she gave me some story about getting bad reception in her apartment. But it isn't bad when she calls me to vent about her life. I also kind of feel like I am no longer educated enough or something to be her buddy, seeing that she hangs out with all her cool grad school friends now. Sigh. I miss talking to her, and have issues myself as of late. No answer.
The other friend I don't know what her issue is. I have tried all venues to reach her, and I can't. I used to assume that she was busy, but clearly she isn't, because she texts our mutual friend all of the time. Our last convo was cool. We hung up on good terms. This is sooo annoying, because I have no idea why I have not heard from her in like ages.
Sad face.

Chi State Of Mind

Yesterday, my friend Waddles from college came to my hotel room to hang out. It was so good to see her! But she told me something crazy: she did not bring her car down from home because it cost $25 a month to park in her complex where it cost over a stack a month to live! What?
Then, yesterday, I spent over 11 bucks on two OK Egg Foo Yung patties and the smallest side of white rice I have ever had.
While walking the streets yesterday, being a tourist, I almost got hit like 4 times because the Chitownians completely ignore the little White man on the sign that says it is OK for people to cross the street!
Oh, and to my disappointment, I did not see Kanye or Common.
I say all this to say, I LOVE THIS CITY! I have to live here. I must. This little trip, I feel, has given me the kick in my ass that I need to apply to grad school at Northwestern, my dream school. Guys I should dust off my GRE cards...again.

Random Thoughts

I don't like it when I hold the door for someone on the elevator and they get off before me. Because I had to be nice, they get off before me and delay my progress to where I have to go. Would it be inappropriate to ask them as the door is closing what floor they are going to to then decide if I want to put my hand in between the elevator doors?
I don't like those new toilet seats with the plastic on them. The ones where you have to wave you hand in front of the censor for the plastic to rotate. Where is that plastic coming from? Is it recycled? Sometimes I forget to wave, so I sit on someone's recycled booty plastic! But maybe they did a courtesy wave when they were done. I do, but sadly, I doubt that others do. Oh, and does anyone sanitize those public hand sanitizer dispensors? Again, I do, but who knows how many people didn't before I came along?
I HATE KIDS THAT POINT AND STARE! Yesterday, in the airport bathroom, this kid was starring and pointing at me while his mom's back was turned and I stuck my toung out at him and he shot me the finger and I shot it back then he turned around. Rude! I try not to have COMPLETE disdain for kids...but I do, sadly.
Why are there no condoms for balls? I plan to invent a latex jock strap so that women can be completely protected from ball germs. They will be scented and washable. I can't believe no one has thought of this before. Just some thoughts...

Hey

So yesterday while I was at the airport, Faux Mega texted me...without me having to text him first! It took everything in me to not get up and start moonwalking down the runway! And get this: all he texted me was "Hey!"
His midterms are over now, so "...he is back on the scene! Lol." Yay!
So I am supposed to meet up with him next week, but I torn. Erin said that you can't go backwards. I don't want to be this guy's floozy. I like him. But I don't know how to go about restearing so that he might want to actually go on a date or hang out or whatever. If I mess this up, I won't have anyone to get neck kisses from, so I have to tread lightly.
I guess the best thing to do is be honest about what I want...after I get my kisses:)

And All That Jazz!

Hello Readers! I write to you today from Chicago. Little tid bit: this is where my family is originally from. So for some reason, when I got out of the airport shuttle in the middle of downtown Chi, I thought I would recognize everything. Of course, I didn't, lol! But I do feel connected.
I have only been here a few hours, but there are a few things that I LOVE about this place that may cause me to consider moving here.

• Chicago is the home of the ABSOLUTELY HOTTEST Middle Eastern men I have ever seen!
• Chicago is the home of the ABSOLUTELY HOTTEST Indian men I have ever seen! And they are all super brown and super tall and super well tailored!
• There is a Chase Bank and a McDonald's on every corner!
• The city somehow feels old and new at the same time!
• Everyone is really chic, like in NY, minus the poopy attitude!
• Men in cardigans. I have a major thing for men in cardigans. And they are everywhere!
• The CVS here carries the $.25 chocolate dipped granolas!

This trip is going to be awesome!